For My Tina (rewrite) - pipTalk Forums

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Ven
Member

since 2001-10-01

Posts 102
U.K.

0 posted 2002-01-19 07:59 AM

Posted this one a while ago in the main forum. I've just gone back to it and added some, taken some away and jiggled what was left about a bit. Still not 100% happy with it though.
Any constructive critique would be welcomed.
Many thanks, Ven.

For My Tina.

At the start, a caterpillar,
wriggly and cute.
Then you hit the terrible two's
so cheeky, bright, astute.

Three, four, and five, an angel,
a pretty little thing,
so full of joy and laughter
with happy songs to sing

six, seven, and eight were easy,
"you" the perfect kid,
helpful, always smiling, and
when asked to do ... you did

Through nine, ten, and eleven
a proper "Barbie" fan,
full of sugar and Spice Girls
you never walked, just ran

Twelve brought fancy dresses,
Major passion for fashion
painted nails and hair curls
and jewellery un-rationed

Thirteen arrived with trouble's,
you tested all the rules.
breaking each one ... twice,
played us both for fools.

but, suddenly ... transition,
just like a crysalis.
You talk and tell me how you feel.
long I've yearned for this.

Day by day, I look and see,
the emerging butterfly.
A subtle gain in your confidence,
beauty that makes me sigh

and I accept with certainty.
The day shall surely come,
when you are completely butterfly,
the metamorphosis done.

My heart will swell with motherly pride,
at the beauty I will see
and though I'll ache to keep you here,
I'll know to set you free.

To embark upon your adult life.
and the magical mystery ride,
that every butterfly must take,
as soon as its wings are dried.

by Ven.
(Dedicated to my daughter).

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-01-22 10:59 PM

This is really cute. Just a few comments:

'long I've yearned for this.'

This sounds a bit awkward- why not use a more standard sentence structure, like "I've yearned long for this"? I think it would go a bit smoother.

Uh... actually... that was it... Really good poem... adoreable.

Hope I've helped.

"Maybe you don't like your job
maybe you didn't get enough sleep.
Well nobody likes their job;
nobody got enought sleep."

[This message has been edited by hush (01-22-2002 11:00 PM).]

Victor_K
Junior Member

since 2002-02-02

Posts 12
Selangor, Malaysia

2 posted 2002-02-02 10:21 AM

Cute, yes. It's like a photo album... maybe you should keep each stanza next to a photo collection of her growing up.

A little something from me...

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

3 posted 2002-02-02 12:20 PM

From a daughters point of view it makes me want to run and hug my mother! Great job putting the feelings of millions of parents into words.

LCBS

I was drowning in my own tears, until you threw me a life preserver

Ven
Member

since 2001-10-01

Posts 102
U.K.

4 posted 2002-03-06 01:48 PM

Thanks all,
Sorry its taken me so long to get back to this one but I really do appreciate the comments.

"I've yearned long for this" is definately a better line, I'll use that, thanks Hush.

Regards,
Ven.

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