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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
Deadlines september is cruel: it takes the recognition out of your face in the mirror is some stranger a grey, foul reflection of a prison wall even post-coital, we are sad the days drag, overcast the leaves scream colour! but wither on cement, rather fast there is no satisfaction in my hands or inclination to look up only a green nostalgic drear upon the wind [This message has been edited by b.costen (09-20-2004 05:31 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi b Generally, I like this though I think it needs tweaking, tightening etc. Your first verse needs the most work. 'September is cruel. it takes the recognition out of your face in the mirror is some stranger a grey, hopeless reflection of a prison wall' For example...given that the point of your poem strives to say that September is cruel do you need to announce that 'September is cruel' in the first line? Could you not just cut straight to the recognition line? Ie: 'September takes the recognition out of your face? Showing not telling etc. However, on the flip side, the emphasis of your italicised is forces some necessity to the line. So perhaps it's fine the way it is; I guess it just comes down to personal opinion. Plus, I think the fullstop (period) after 'cruel' is an anomaly. I look at it and think 'why?' which tells me that if it's there for effect, it isn't doing its job. When you're writing freeverse, and using punctuation for effect only, care is needed. With that in mind you could even consider changing the awkward fullstop to a colon, which would provide substance for the obvious beginning statement. I find that when a poet decides to speak for an audience some of the charm is lost. I don't like to be told, while reading, that I am sad etc. Hence, I find the technique to use you and your (when not directed at a specific, readily identified, subject) thoughtless at best and unprofessional at worst. Using 'our' or 'we' is slightly better in that it identifies the poet with the audience, and the feeling of being spoken for becomes somehow less offensive (there's something comforting in embracing companionship). However, 'my' or 'I' would be preferable in this case, because I think you're really talking about yourself. If I'm wrong, then maybe 'our' and 'we' would work better. I have a thing about showing rather than telling and I feel that the last two lines in this stanza commit that dreaded crime.  The metaphor of feeling trapped or in a prison isn't a new one; in fact I'd go so far as to say it speaks for itself. With that in mind, I think it's a form of tautology to labouriously exert 'grey, and hopeless' within that image. 'even post-coital, you are sad the days drag, overcast the leaves scream colour! but wither on cement, rather fast' With the exception of 'you are sad' I really like this verse. You can compare the effective of your exclamation mark to your single fullstop: this piece of punctuation works, very well. Though I'm not a fan of assonance/alliteration I think your internal half-rhymes work well, and carry the desolate feeling across. The middle is the strongest part of your piece. 'there is no satisfaction in the blood or inclination to look up only a green nostalgic drear upon the wind' I like this a lot, especially the last two lines. This entire verse speaks of that prison in verse one, without needing to state a sense of 'grey' or 'hopelessness.' So you have here a verse that's working for itself to get the image across. I'm a little concerned about the first line and don't think you need 'in the blood' and could simply have: there is no satisfaction, or inclination to look up only a green nostalgic drear upon the wind (with or without that comma) Anyway, thanks for the read and opportunity to critique.  K |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
Hi Severn, Thanks for your very awesome reply, it targetted some of the things I was thinking about, and some I hadn't noticed. All your punctuation suggestions were dead on, and I also agree that the first stanza is the weakest. That said, and after a night of fruitless work, do you have any replacement suggestions for line 4 "a grey, hopeless reflection" ? I agree that line is rather dead, it evokes relatively nothing and should never have made it in to the final cut, except that it leads semi-nicely into line 5 "of a prison wall" in that it connects the metaphor of a face resembling a wall Also, I'm a little confused as to why you disliked "you are sad" is it because of that 'being told' thing OR do you just dislike its simplictiy in general? I changed it to "we are sad" but for some reason I got the sense you disliked it for more reasons than that "you" thing. Changed the first line of the last stanza to "there is no satisfaction in--" but that screwed up the rhythm, so i changed it again to many other things but eventually stuck with "there is no satisfaction in my hands" I'm glad you liked the parts you did, they were meant to do that. Thanks again for your reply, I've read the poems you've posted here and they're quite evocative. Write any new ones recently? |
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