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Critical Analysis #2
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Hopelessness
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Hopelessness |
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Love Angel Junior Member
since 2003-11-04
Posts 25 |
Hopelessness is the blinding whit when everything in your life has been deleted. The piercing silence that shoots through your body splitting every nerve on its way down. Its bitter thickness coats the inie of your mouth sliding down your throat and choking of your breath. It has no smell, its empty presence catches you off guard. Hopelessness is the widow sitting in a dark corner grieving for her lost husband. When your heart sinks to your feet, and waking up tomorrow seems worthless. It's the eyes of the litle girl filling with tears because she has to choose between mommy and daddy. Hopelessness is being lost behind your eyes in the pitch black. A screaming train breaking into the peace of the night. The taste of vinigar spilling from your lips. The smell of smoke when you drive up and watch as flames swollow your home. Hopelessness is a girl sitting in her room with a razor in hand unable to cry. It's every muscle in your body tearing from your bones as your fingers lose grip from the edge of a cliff. It's the phone call when you realize five hours ago your boyfriend said he loved you for the last time. It taste like the pills you gagged on just so you could sleep at night. Hopelessness is the unborn child inside its drug addicted mother. It's the feeling of cold steel being shoved into your back and you wondering why your best friend is smiling. Hopelessness is knowing something bad has happened because you walked into a room one second too late. Hopelessness I posted this poem in another forum, but I wanted to get some critiques for it though. Please be honest and tell me what you all really think. I appreciate all your replys. Thany you LA |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi The only thing I can say is if you were looking to spue the feeling of hopelessness...you achieved it more in the poem itself, A a knife in your back while your friend smiles, I wouldn't consider hoplessness, I would be angry, I would be looking for retribution, I just don't feel that hopelessness applies to many of your descriptive outlets. This may not be of much help to you, hopelessness is a destructive word when a person can no longer find a positive letter it in, use more hope, less description and save ness for loch. :-) |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77 |
I too, don't see this poem as an expression of hopelessness, but more-so depression, anger and revenge. I read another poem by you that had the exact same structure. I don't think having a line break after each sentence is good structure at all. I'd recommend you revise this poem: title, content and structure. We see much, observe little, and perceive less. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Instead of writing about hopelessness, why not tell us what triggered you wanting to write about hopelessness? Many of these lines could be expanded into better poems with a little effort. |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Brad gives a good suggestion and question. When I read someone else's poem I ask myself some questions, "What is the author trying to convey? What feeling does this poem bring to the surface for me?" I didn't ask myself these questions when I read your poem the first time because, the word 'hopelessness' was abundantly clear. Not asking these questions prompted me to take a second look at your poem. I see each line leaving the door open to another poem. My question is, "When you chose your title and wrote your first line, what were you feeling, and what caused that emotion?" I'm wondering, if you took a single line from your poem and expanded on that thought, what triggered you to write that line, what events inspired you to created that line and carry your poem through with the emotions and events which preceeded hopelessness and bring your poem to its conclusion. Simply, instead of telling us what hoplessness is, tell us why you felt you had no hope left. I see good things in your writing and your style but I feel your complicating or masking the real issue. Just my thoughts and opinion and I'm glad I came back for a second read. Debbie *smiles* debbie |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Interesting read. I agree with everyone else that this poem really doesn't go well with the title. I think this poem reflects a lot of hurt and anguish and that you could take that and turn it into something more positive. Each of the lines in this poem could easily be expanded upon and some of the description is very good. However, this poem to me didn't seem to fit well. |
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Blademasta New Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 4 |
I think the structure does fit the style of presentation - the flaw lies in the degree of poetic conveyance achieved. I don't know if it was intentional, but you've painted loads of captivating picture, but instead of exapanding them to really gives your reader a taste of the subject matter, you've moved on to a different image: its like a mural spotted with a thousand different shades of the same colour. Of course, maybe your objective is to overwhelm the reader with som many images, but I still think a little more development and fewer images would be more effective. |
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