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Four Walls
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Four Walls |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
Four Walls I find myself in a place of darkness… In a place with four walls, no windows No exit And within these walls there is only one thing… One single thing that I cling to… Hope And I keep my eyes open in darkness Doing what I will always do… Wait Until that break of light hits and I can breathe And I reach…and I cry tears that I have held back… But I don’t go… I stay in my dark and lingering depression And I lay And I die [This message has been edited by Permiabilities (07-09-2002 09:29 PM).] |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
breath to breathe? The speaker's depression is a room with no exits. Following this metaphor, would there be hope inside this room? Not really, and furthermore the speaker lays down and dies. Where is the hope in that? Maybe the hope is in the pocket of the speaker at the beginning but then it gets away and dies under the speaker's bed like a naughty hamster. I don't know. Also how would you know when light breaks if there are no windows. Hmmm. Just something to think about. I did like "I keep my eyes open in the darkness". Think about the naughty hamster and let me know if you find it more consistent within the confines of the metaphor you have created. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
This remind me of a piece I did a few years ago, "My Hollow Walls" And just like in your piece, I, also remained; "So, I return, to my life of peace In my hollowed walls, that echoes emptiness" I can relate to the reality of the piece. Life can be a confusing thing, when we finally break out of the darkness and see, yet still choose the darkness, over what "I" have seen in the light, of some of these days. I've always lived in the shadows, it is what, have protected me from the world, and sometimes, myself. People find their "Islands of Sanity" in the strangest places. Most of us who has tasted the bitter swords of life, find a great comfort in hiding. To quote Morgan Freeman from the Shawshank Redemption, "after a while, we come to depend on it" Originally Yours, |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
thank you two for your responses. in this poem i was trying to make a parallel to "the room" and one own's head. the room isnt physical...it is a metaphor. and hope can lay in ones head. "the light" that i speak of..doesnt come from a window. it is another metaphor. "the light" is the hope that was long awaited. when one gets accustomed to something, they get comfortable...this poem was about becomming accustomed to misery |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I understand; still, I think the work would be stronger and more effective if you stuck to exploring the single metaphor of the room. Good luck. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The thing about metaphors is this- they are tools, just like any other poetic device. And you can't drive a screw with a hammer... your metaphors do have to have consistency, or the reader notices the contradictions with reality and with the poem itself. This generally isn't the effect a writer is going for... In my opinion, your metaphors stay too far within the realm of the obvious. Yes, it is obvious that the 'light' is representative of hope... you could, however, take this to another level by explaining how light appears in a room without windows... deepen the metaphor, branch out with your poem. Hope I've helped. Love is a ghost train rumblin' through the darkness... |
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