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Critical Analysis #2
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The Silence After You Leave
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Silence After You Leave |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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The Silence After You Leave These casual rocks have become dear friends As the 400 silent days confronted my eyes. Their smooth, life-weathered faces meet ocean’s end And I forget the obsene highway under the sky. Ah! The sky has tested these stones that never roll, Never blink, never lie, only speaking through the surf. Green moss counts the years in days, waiting for November cold, But for now they weep salt water that burns into the hurt. Deep within a right to understand hides a blush, A rush of bloood that links my thoughts to confusion. That vivid vision matches the fauna described as “lush” Only adds to the tourist guides, such a careful illusion. This quiet place was never mentioned among the “Places To See”, Only deemed unworthy by a board of superfluous men. Secret rainbows embrace my heart with blossoms of beauty And seashells echo back to me the joy of a storm-dance. Sing to me ocean voice and yet listen to my ramblings, Shame sopranos and humble the tenors of this doubtful world. Show them all what strength nature is still commanding, Scream it stunted voicing that melts with languages left unfurled. The unnoticed centuries have yet to change the perfect inflection And the original message boldly stays the same as always. “Goodnight to your worries and away with trouble’s deception” The songs flutter all across the wind in this secluded place. Point Perone, the title I gave this home, shuts its coves, Accepting the rising ocean crowd that praises the black ebb. The weight of their call blasphemies the coral gloves That covers the ocean’s endless hands from the barren depths. The antipathy of the undersea has become revealed to me, Darkness beyond the stars with harps and habitation, Distress and anticipation, love and participation left indiscreet. Nothing so vague as these unuttered words lives in my contemplation. The passion in loneliness overstates the reason I am here, No matter so long as the coherence of thought remains. My speech has, at all appropriate times, become humanly unclear As I lengthen pronunciation to avoid my listener’s disdain. What manner of acceptance has the aquatic body shown? More than discovered language could invent to express. This place truly supercedes initial whispers the wind had blown Upon the Maritime drafts that rarely breath a protest. The graceful gulls ride on the coat tails of lost melodies And whisper their final harmony amidst the colors of afternoon. “Circle, Oh messengers of heaven!” I cry out above the sea, And their musical discussion centers on the rising new moon. So as the night falls upon the blue sky, as is custom, I stroll back to my makeshift home next to a rocky cleft. The fire that was lit hours ago has faded into ember blossoms; Another night to empty the hourglass, 399 silent days left. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
hmmmm...would someone please critique this? |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
ok.. I notice that you didn't get any comments on this.. I maybe it's because it's really really long.. and the first time i saw it.. I won't lie.. I skipped it.. but.. I was just reading through some of your stuff and remembered that I had never read this before so I decided to take the time.. as far as the critiquing goes... I don't think I can handle a job like this.. Not saying it was bad.. It was wonderful.. I loved it.. I get the whole idea of the poem and the title etc. but the poem and the ocean and all the words that you wrote so beautifully  ... I guess my mind was somewhere else while I was trying to comprehend this.. so. just about the only thing that I can say is wonderful.. a little long.. but so worth the read.. it kinda made me think about some stuff. I love how descriptive you are.. I think this is the only one of your poems that I've read so far that I can't analyze and break down.. because usually I can.. i analyze and break down almost everything into poetry or reality of philosophy.. which ever one comes first... So great job again..I love your writings. ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: It was long and I do not usualy get through them but this one I did read to the end. Great writing. Discriptive, moving, ae the ocean and the pace of the poem. There is only one line that lost me. "Only deemed unworthy by a board of superfluous men" other than that I was moved. Thanks Rick |
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loveislove Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 59USA |
I wont lie...right this minute I didnt have time to read it through, nor did i have the focus, but i read most of it and its really good...i had to comment it, I respect young poets, like myself, that actually have talent..you really dont see too many of them..I'll come back and read it when i get time. "when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join them in a mutual weirdness and call it love-true love" |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
This is really good-powerful, descriptive, and has the attributes of 'a voyage of discovery' piece. I don't know why people are saying it's too long-time is longer than a rope. Let the good times roll; quite a dichotomy. A beautiful, melancholy meditation of loss that taps into the beautiful, vibrant sensations of being found inside life. Also, this has all the workings of a spell; you enchant the time-span, working through happenings observed within it. Could it be magic? Yeah! (I really like "the passion in loneliness..." It reminds me of something I wrote "In the arms of bass, I'm timpani, and organs talk to me. A sound embrace, compels this lonely place, where my love sings...") |
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lace_of_light Junior Member
since 2006-08-02
Posts 44 |
i love it and love it and love it. i'm not moved very easily but your poetry is unique. you have a lonely approach and i can really relate. this poem sounds like some of my work. Thank you soooo much for submitting this! Are you cold inside? |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
This is what I think and I beg your indulgence, but they say one has to make comments..... The third verse should have been the first. "Scream its stunted voice...and drop "left unfurled" (delete). "centuries have yet to change them". delete the rest of line. Delete " as always". Blasphemes not blasphemies. It's one syllable fewer. Be less in love with wordiness and cliche (embrace my heart etc and Circle O messengers of heaven ) and be more in love with the sea;. Seek to remove things that you don't need. Copy and paste verse 3 into one poem. Work on the rest of the verses and create a small collection of image/sound poems about the coast. Remember this is the ocean! Think how rhythmical the sound of the waves are. If I can't hear the sea in your poem it might not be about the sea. By the way, your line "Shame sopranos and humble the tenors of this doubtful world. Show them all what strength nature is still commanding", are two brilliant and poetic lines, except I would have had "what strength nature still commands". [This message has been edited by Beau de L'air (08-05-2006 03:02 AM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is not a bad poem, ambition should be encouraged around here. And yet, it does not propel the reader. Why not? [This message has been edited by Brad (01-02-2007 06:12 PM).] |
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