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"Overview"
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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"Overview" |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
---------------------------------------- Overview: Students’s weary eyes scan their notes; Sweet mango moulds in the sack. Trembling lips mimic authoritive words; Another fruitful pip shatters at crack. The salesmans hands are drenched from gestures; Only sweet to Sour itself. And his wife that once was tolerant Now has patience only for a clean shelf. (THIS LINE NEEDS SOME WORK) The fans still urge; the writer still writes; His pen snaps as does his brain. And all that once blossomed on sheets Is now a melancholic ink-stain. While all the blindness and avoidence Rots their souls; their core, I sit, with tranquality, patience, Happy, as never before... ---------------------------------------- Did it get the picture across well? Written in just an hour; any opinions and critiques welcome. [This message has been edited by croyles (04-05-2004 08:00 AM).] |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
hello and welcome. i really like this poem. you have a powerful hold on your language. your imagery is great, rhythm is in most places effortless. a few critiques. "Students’s weary eyes scan their notes; Sweet mangoe moulds in the sack." i don't know if "mangoe" is an archaic spelling of the word mango used here for some special emphasis. if not, change it. it is semi-distracting. "Trembling lips mimic authoritive words; Another fruitful pip shatters at crack." not sure about the word pip, but i really like this stanza. i can see the stifling school room. i also like how you are carrying the fruit theme throughout. "The salesmans hands are drenched from gestures; Only sweet to Sour itself. And his wife that once was tolerant Now has patience only for a clean shelf." the first line of this stanza is awesome. i don't understand very well the next part, i think it may be too abstract for the rest of the stanza, or poem for that matter. overall, this is my favorite part of the poem. "The fans still urge; the writer still writes; His pen snaps as does his brain." the second line of this stanza is one of the few places where i feel like the meter is not working. line 2 has a completely different rhythm. if possible, you might want to rewrite this line in the meter of the rest of the poem. "And all that once blossomed on sheets Is now a melancholic ink-stain." this part seems a little "throw away" to me. do you know what i mean? like you needed two extra lines for balance, and this was what you came up with. i almost feel that this should be a more significant moment in the poem, but it isn't very effective. "While all the blindness and avoidence Rots their souls; their core, I sit, with tranquality, patience, Happy, as never before..." the ends gives the reader as much closure as we can hope to get. i presume the theme that is tying these stanzas together is that the narrator has a sense of peace, that he/she transcends the stresses of the student's, the salesman's, and the writer's life. my question is: how? why does the narrator give us these compelling glimpses into the "melancholic" lives of three people, and then write them off, with no clue as to how he/she manages to escape the weariness of existence? does he/she? overall, i really like the poem. you have quite a way with words. |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
Thanks ninja. Your critique is useful, and there is no doubt that i also agreed with most of your things. The fact was, i thought of a good line, then just PUSHED a rhyme in and somehow managed to stay true to the poems meaning. They arent any specific three people; the poem itslef is just to show how so many people in the world stress themselves out by work and everything, while im working too, yet not stressfuly; a nice little idea. I will try and think of a few new good lines to replace with some of them, but i am going to take my time; so mental note for everyone that is going to say the same thing: The poem is in progress! Thanks for the good analysis! |
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