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Concertedly
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Concertedly |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Concertedly She is Oprah and Price Is Right He is Britcoms and NPR She plays solitaire on a Game Boy He bids at internet Bridge He, a 5 speed truck She, an minivan automatic He plays Senior Soccer She takes walks in the woods She cries at tragedies on the News He rants at talking heads She reads the National Enquirer He, the theonion.com Thirty years of consorted effort Only one child still at home When that one leaves they will part But they have no plans to roam Tho they will begin to date again It will be with each other The father, and The mother |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
Your PIP profile shows you choose NOT to be critiqued, so all I can really say is it's an interesting write. Well done! Grover. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
I have a pip profile? :-) How would I edit it? I didn't consciously elect any option to not be critiqued. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Go to Members Area (see menu at top of page) and select Change Profile. Scroll down near the bottom and you will see a radio button to encourage critiques as well as an area for a message describing what sort of critique you want. The default value is "no critique." But, anything posted in Critical Analysis is subject to critique, whether the flag is checked or not. The purpose is for stuff posted in other forums. Criticism is generally not expected in Open, for example, unless the author's critique flag is checked. In here it's all fair game. So, go ahead and have at it Grover. Pete |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Tx Pete. I changed my thingy to encourage, but I guess I always assumned critiquing was the norm here. Perhaps I need to batten down the hatches becuase that little profile change will open the floodgates of criticism? :-) |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
i like your colorful contrasts...you might want to consider a catchy title that would do more justice to your poem...as a whole, i liked it! keep it up!  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
(floodgates? Cute ~grin~) Hi Gourd... Well. I'm sitting here humming and hawing over this one. I'm puzzled at the shift into rhyme in the last two stanzas? Why? The first few stanzas have a relatively good flow, and then the rhyme starts and well, it sounds forced. home and roam, other and mother? The last two, with or without the rhyme I suspect, sound forced in themselves. Telling not showing I suppose. I quite like something in the first few stanzas. I have problems with the format...it's a bit too constricted but that could just be my personal taste. 'rants at talking heads' - what are talking heads? I do like the simplicity of the first stanzas. The plain language, the simple images - it's tight and while forceful, or even particularly powerful, that simplicity works for me. So, overall, I just can't quite make up my mind on this...   K |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the problem is that you go from being heavy-handed with socio-political references to being heavy handed with the whole aging-but-still-in-love thing. More technical details: The alternating He/She line starters get tedious and predictable pretty quickly. Maybe instead of rote comparison back and forth, you can loosen this up... I agree with Severn that the style is too restrictive, especially considering what you're trying to do. Maybe work more description in... while I think our reading/watching/activities are important, we are more than the sums of the factions of our lives. (That was a mouthful.) Simply said, I read your stuff from time to time and I think you can do significantly better than this. Hope I've helped. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Well, guess it is a bit of a flop :-) As per title: the genesis of the piece was I was doing a bit of editing for someone and they used the word "consorted" where in context it would be that they meant "concerted" so I went from there. So the Concerted in the title was to emphasis the "consorted" in the text, at least that was my intent. the shift to rhyme was intentional, trying to show that even tho the two are seemingly so different, they live in harmony, even a little forced harmony, but underneath all the responsibilioty and duty there is still a spark. Overall, not a great effort IMHO, just wanted to use the term consorted effort :-) |
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