jealousy over frets and felines

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

svandersaar
Junior Member

since 2001-01-15

Posts 40

0 posted 2002-06-10 10:36 PM

wicked  whimsies
rove about my head
while you enfilade
arpeggio

& coax
the cat to your lap
with strumming thumbs
to its chin

oh, the wonders I have for your hands:
those nimble, climbing knuckles

you bullet a chord
and I
slink to your room,
gluttonous

drunk on harmony, recline
curl a blanket over,
  rub my nose in it
wishing you were a dog
(panting and about to be hungry),
wishing the cotton was your crotch

from the concaves of pillow cases --
sly, sullen, sunken in --
I stroke my hip
like a trigger;
calmly
crouched for the signal to
crawl over, hissing

it is not practical to love you
and love is not the case, not yet

but I envy the instrument
you grope for song,
the animal slung to
your thigh

& I think I'd be more comfortable
talking
death and dealings

had I at least

out my angst
in this bed

till the (w)horror of me
stank like sweat
glazed against
you

till you were gasping
and
this lusted

cacophony
  sang out
in the cold press of my eyes, fingertips

  of perversion:

  how you are hunted
through late hours
with
the frantic friction
of my own thumbs

your fiction fingers
at first
only
  borrowed
for compulsion,

but  later
chased
toward precarious clefts
that seek
to
  steal

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (06-12-2002 10:40 AM).]

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

1 posted 2002-06-11 12:34 PM

I really like imagery and the content....

Seems a little fragmented, could maybe be knit together a little tighter.

just a thought.

~wranx

"Writing is a perfectly natural thing to do....just remember to wash your hands afterward"....Heinlein.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-06-11 11:44 PM

Cool, really interesting images.

In Stanza 5, wouldn't it make more sense to say "wishing I was a dog"?

'I stroke my hip
like a trigger;' -Awesome image, very provocative

'it is not practical to love you
and love is not the case, not yet'

I think the 'love is not the case' bit jars not only the flow, but the whole poem. Forgive me for being presumptuous, but it seems to me that you added that the concede with reality... I've done it before, but it can really muck up good poems. I would lose it.

I really like the subtlety of the suggestion at the end... very tastefully done, and the open interpretation is perfect- not too abstract, but not too final, either.

Hope I've helped.

"deeper is life than lose: higher than have
-but beauty is more each than living's all"
-E.E. Cummings

svandersaar
Junior Member

since 2001-01-15

Posts 40

3 posted 2002-06-12 01:21 AM

hush, you have helped, thank you ever so much... will reflect on all you said.

to explain a bit:

The line "wishing you were a dog" is referring tongue-in-cheek to the slur of a man being a dog... if the focused character were a ‘dog’ the author and the subject of their desire would most likely already be in all the “wicked” situations she’s describing… but the mere fact that he isn’t is part of the appeal…

as to case: pun, as in a guitar case… implying that they are not surrounded by the feelings of love: “encased” by that aura (~bats eyes~ how cliché *wink*)… reassuring the reader/author that this is only infatuation and oozing hormones lol… hrm, perhaps didn’t come across as easy as expected… I’ll think of a way to possibly reword…

and all smiles for the compliments.

wranx, while your commentary is welcomed… your crit is too vague to be of any true value. But thanks for the read.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.