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Villanelles
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Villanelles |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
Here are three villanelles because I couldn’t decide; only because they are all equally lackluster. I’m finding this poetry form highly difficult to make without my poems being very plain and clichéd. But, I’m glad I tried and I guess this is as good as it’s going to get, so I need to finally put this on here and take a break! I also have no idea understanding how to go about the meter part of it!! :-P So I just tried to make it sound right together. Enjoy. The cold embraces her at night. She’s never found an escape from these evil thoughts she tries to fight. She pulls the blanket around her tight But peaceful sleep just will not come. The cold embraces her at night. The sun hides from her it’s warm light. She shakes and makes a constant hum. These evil thoughts she tries to fight. She wishes she could once feel right or least return to feeling numb. The cold embraces her at night. Silent tears from eyes full of fright. She curls up tight and sucks her thumb. These evil thoughts she tries to fight. She stares up at the bulb so bright. Her head is pounding like a drum. The cold embraces her at night. These evil thoughts she tries to fight. * * * * * He lays me down upon the ground. and shelters me from wind and cold. A heartbeat is the only sound. This true pure love that we have found only in storybooks is told. He lays me down upon the ground. Two peoples lives forever bound and in this bondage can’t be sold. A heartbeat is the only sound. I look up at my new prince crowned. And in his arms I gently fold. He lays me down upon the ground. The moon can always stay around to keep love passionate and bold. A heartbeat is the only sound. Through the land this love does resound. and, he, I will forever hold. He lays me down upon the ground. A heartbeat is the only sound. * * * * * The night has come to say goodbye. My hands on yours to settle fears and kiss the tear from your dark eye. I won’t comfort you with a lie. The moon is here and it appears the night has come to say goodbye. I know without you I will die but I’ll be strong as darkness nears and kiss the tear from your dark eye. Our dreams far away from us fly as I try to hide all my tears. The night has come to say goodbye. I look up at the moon so high. I’ve come to end the cold nightmares and kiss the tear from your dark eye. I do not wish to wail and cry. I’ve fought these feelings many years. The night has come to say goodbye and kiss the tear from your dark eye. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
The three villanelles were rather good, though there were some disparities in meter. Time currently keeps me from more detail, but if you were to read through these three using strict iambic pentameter, you would soon see what I meant. I normally tap out beats with my thumb, but whatever works is what will work.  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Your villanelles are great - As for the meter that Alicat mentions, you're very close to flawless iambic tetrameter - (four feet per line). Here are a couple of suggestions to smooth it out - Take them as you choose - It's your work... and nicely done it is... quote: These are just suggestions - Ignore them if you don't like them... I enjoyed muchly.. |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
Thank you both so much! I'm glad you enjoyed them. So far, I've found villanelle's to be the hardest form. I just have a really hard time understanding exactly what meter pertains to - for example: I have no idea what "four feet per line" means, but I did appreciate your suggestions Nan. Thank you so much. I'd love to take an actual poetry/writing class sometime and learn all the "rules". I always used to think that would be so limiting, but it really does expand your ideas sometimes. Anyway.. how can you break the rules if you don't know them. ;-) I guess that's why I'm liking this Poetry Discussion board, though. Like a mini class. But, I really see how your suggestions worked - it sounded much smoother. Thank you for them and for reading and your comments - both of you. |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
May I also chime in with my kudos for your villanelles. Well done and good for you and any of us who reach to try something new. As Nan cited, you find that they read more smoothly with attention to the beat. There is a specialized vocabulary that refers to how lines of poetry sound. Kit McCollum did a wonderful poem explaining these called "Playing with my feet". Basically, lines have "feet" and "rhythm". I think I saw = 2 stresses, think and saw, thus the line is dimeter or two beats or two "feet". I think I saw a puddy tat has four: think, saw, pud and tat, so this is tetrameter or 4 beats. Dimeter, trimeter, tetrameter, pentameter, hexameter, heptameter, etc... The other part is the rhythm. When the rhythm is da DUM da DUM da DUM ie a series of two syllables with the emphasis on the second, it is an iamb. (Adjectival form is iambic), so as Nan said, you wrote in Iambic tetrameter "these Evil THOUGHTS she TRIES to FIGHT". When the emphasis is on the first syllable, it is a trochee or trochaic: ONCE upON a MIDnight WEARy. Poe's Raven is Trochaic (emphasis on first) Tetrameter(4 beats). I hope this helps. Check out Kit McCollum's "playing with my feet" in the archives. Again, nice work on your villanelles, I enjoyed reading them. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night The yawn of a dawn will hasten the light |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
Oh my goodness! I'm so excited. I think I'm finally understanding all that - stresses and meter. This is so neat! Definitely one reason I was so excited to join this forum. Thank you, Ken, very much! And I'm glad you enjoyed the read. I'm going to go check out "playing with my feet" in the archives now. :-D |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
End', m'friend, you're 'round the bend These words to you I send. Please to note that what you wrote has really got my vote. Best! Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
EndlessEcho~ VERY nicely done ... and you're right ... it can (and often is) and exasperating poetic format~ Been known to cause an overdose of Tylenol at this inkwell~  *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
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