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A Villanelle Attempt
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A Villanelle Attempt |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA 
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I may be a bit overeager on this attempt, and I'm still uncertain of form and meter but here goes... To live the best of lives, to learn, to care A struggle, now that life has been undone Retreat…forgive…relax…regroup…repair… It’s time to give your life some thought and prayer, To understand that grace may be hard-won To live the best of lives, to learn, to care. To save your life from crumbling in despair, When all the sad events have been rerun, Retreat…forgive…relax…regroup…repair… Receive the truth that life may be unfair And love yourself and those you’d rather shun To live the best of lives, to learn, to care. When placing blame you need to be aware, The fault is seldom placed with all-or-none. Retreat…forgive…relax…regroup…repair… Regaining strength, your weakness to forbear, Accept the joy that grief has overrun. To live the best of lives, to learn, to care. Retreat…forgive…relax…regroup…repair… Shenachie |
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| © Copyright 2002 Louise Ryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, I must say that for an attempt you certainly did extremely well! You have adhered to the form perfectly and it is an excellent villanelle....very well done, miss.  There is only one small glitch. Your iambic is flawless with the exception of the second line in the last stanza. "Be open to joy.." That phrase throws the meter off by sticking one extra syllable into the line. I would suggest... "Accept the joy...." or "Be there for joy..." or "Be true to joy..." or "Be free for joy..." or something like that. With that exception, the poem is perfection on paper  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
What Deer said. I don't know how he does that, anticipate what I was going to say, that is. That one line was the second thing I noticed in this otherwise outstanding poem. The first, of course, was its outstandingness. Hey, I even like his suggestions too, probably the first one. Well done, Pete |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Balladeer--thanks for catching that glitch. I made the change with an edit, so it has already been incorporated. Thank you for doing such a careful reading. Your comment is much appreciated and already noted. Pete--Done! Thanks for reading and commenting. Shenachie |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hey Bridget...didn't I tell you...this is an awesome place to get some great input? Yep, I did.... and I'm liking this "attempt"...go ahead, shame me into doing it.... |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Bridget, Are you sure you haven't done these before? Excellent job (by the time I read it the edit was already done). You've got a very stong theme here which you've developed nicely with a good use of rhyme and meter. Sounds like poetry to me. Doc |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
I don't know yet what a villanelle is, but I think yours is wonderful. Have to roll up my sleeves and get to work I guess. Thanks for your great poem Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Sunshine--you certainly directed me to the right place to learn. I've been enjoying these exercises and the input. So much better than trying to write in a vacuum. Doc--Yep! My first Villanelle. I'm enjoying tinkering with these poetic forms and meter. Wonder if I will ever go back to free verse... Thanks for commenting. Titia--Thanks for commenting. I just finished reading your Villanelle and I enjoyed it. It is so wonderful to have encountered you in the workshop. I better roll up my sleeves some more and get back to work. Shenachie [This message has been edited by Bridget Shenachie (04-13-2002 11:37 PM).] |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Bridget~ Very nicely done. I find that forms are a fun sort of discipline~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
My gosh, you've come a long way in a month...  I take a little time off, and you produce a masterpiece...  Mike & Pete have good eyes, don't they? I'm smiling, my friend..  |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Thanks, Nan! It's so good to see you back! What's next? Shenachie |
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