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My turn now! |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
The darkness now fills up the sky I know you are forever gone No point in asking question, "Why?" For now all I can do is cry. ------------------ *Elizabeth* "Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low, But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..." "Something sweet, something sort of grandish, sweeps my soul when thou art near..." |
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| © Copyright 1999 Elizabeth A. Larson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Elizabeth, I really like this, but I am having just a little trouble with the third line....it just doesn't seem to flow right. maybe something like All I can do for now is cry same words, just rearranged a bit to improve the meter |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
All righty - You've got your iambic tetrameter intact, especially if you go with Ruth's suggestion. Your rhyme scheme works, and you can develop a theme around these lines nicely. this quatrain would read as: The darkness now fills up the sky I know you are forever gone No point in asking question, "Why?" All I can do For now is cry. The third line certainly works, but I feel myself wondering if it's going to make a good line for repetition - It's your poem and thereby you make the call. I might do something like, "No point in ever asking 'Why?'" if it were mine - Do with it whatever works for you - and let's see the finished product...  |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
Thank you both for your replies and suggestions. This is only tentative, so obviously I'm still working on it and will be doing a lot of changing of words. I hope the finished product works nicely... ------------------ *Elizabeth* "Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low, But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..." "Something sweet, something sort of grandish, sweeps my soul when thou art near..." |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Well hurry it up girl! You're behind the rest of the class! LOL, I am very curious to see the end of this path...do go on! |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
Oh, be quiet, Christopher! I have a disease that prevents me from just writing whenever I'd like to: it's called writer's block. All right, I'll get to work on it! ------------------ *Elizabeth* "Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low, But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..." "Something sweet, something sort of grandish, sweeps my soul when thou art near..." [This message has been edited by Elizabeth (edited 10-10-1999).] |
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