Upon Leaving----Any suggestions would be helpful

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Teen Poetry #2

Upon Leaving----Any suggestions would be helpful

Jinx
New Member

since 1999-12-22

Posts 7
Wilkes-Barre PA

0 posted 1999-12-22 09:51 PM

"Upon Leaving"

Our love had seemed real
Branded with a sacred seal
Love is all that I can feel
Still I knew a bad hand fate would deal

The pain I feel now
Is just and echo of what was
When asked why, your reply
Was more simply, “Just because”

Still it died, for ‘twas a flame
Even though time has past us
The flame still has disappeared
Which brightest burnt, died fastest

The words you have said
Have started to let me be
The pain you willfully dealt
Has begun to set me free

And, as you leave I want to say
I still remember that fateful day
When what you gave, you took away
‘Tis a shame nothing gold can stay

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

1 posted 1999-12-22 11:56 PM

I really enjoyed this! Good flow, exellent wording, very good all the way around! Keep it up!

*Krista Knutson*

~*Like a lion, without fear of the howling pack,
Like a gust of wind, ne'er trapped in a snare,
Like a lotus blossom, ne'er sprinkled by water,
Let me, like a unicorn, in solitude roam.*~ Hymn Of Buddha

starboards
Member

since 1999-10-14

Posts 467
longwood, florida

2 posted 1999-12-23 09:34 AM

Yes, great wording...and it's true...nothing gold ever stays...

Ashley

"I wont look back, I wont regret, though it hurts like hell someday I will forget"

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

3 posted 1999-12-23 10:35 AM

I think you did a good job. Be careful though, of letting your poem sound like you used forced rhyme. ( I'm always having trouble with that) And just lett the feelings flow naturally. (Advice given to me by some really good poets at Passions)

--A Little Fairy--

Anette
New Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 4

4 posted 1999-12-23 04:26 PM

What a sweet poem, I love it !!!
Blessed be.

~*Anette*~

Olga
Member

since 1999-07-26

Posts 152
Brooklyn, NY, USA

5 posted 1999-12-24 11:54 PM

I really enjoyed the poem, and I know just how you feel. The guy that I feel is my soulmate is leaving soon, and I don't know just how to say goodbye.
But I really liked your poem, keep up the good work.

Kiwi
Junior Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 10

6 posted 1999-12-25 03:34 PM

I really liked you poem because that is what it seems like to me right now. I am In a very simular situation, and I am glad that people wirte thing about brake ups and they know what they are talking about!! Keep on writing!!!

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