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Ode To Him
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Ode To Him |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
I put alot of thought into this one, i don't think much but i got bored, anyway. maybe my thought was well spent or wasted Ode To Him touched you once loved you twice watched you more cold as ice seen you there your not here show no emotion heart stand still bright eye shines heart grows dim sit alone tonight your with him --Hoppy 2-4-00 "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Astraea Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 378California! Yeah! Okay, I'm done now |
Very lovely, I can certainly imagine and feel this one. And of course, I love poetry that can say so much in so little. The only problem I see are the "your"s in the poem. It should be "you're". Other than that, much enjoyed. ~Astraea "Sometimes stars can only be seen in darkness." "Sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things." |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Nice poem hoppy. You might want to fix the second stanza though, there isnt anything rhyming in it, while there is in the other 2 stanzas. Based on the rhyming scheme in the other 2, you are trying to rhyme here and still  |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
I like this poem hoppy. It's really good. It's simple and beautifully written all at once. Salma "Not all the answers lie within your realm or mine, they lie within the borders." |
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Sara Junior Member
since 2000-02-24
Posts 27LaCrosse WI, United States |
This was a good poem. I really liked it. Nice job. |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
I like it, Short and Simple  (if ya ever wanna chat, you can IM me on AOL: sexikitticat -or- pom16pom |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
ok, i'm sure noone caught this so i'll point it out to you, the simple complexity of this poem is shown if you start with the last word in the first line then read everyother line's last word, it will read "once more there emotion shines tonight" which i thought complements the poem quiet well, what ya think of that perspective? "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Well, not to rain on your parade hoppy, but the message that makes is grammatically flawed. You have there when for it to make sense you need their. maybe you could rework the second stanza to use their instead of there, and fix the rhyming scheme |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
ok let's explain this a little more, this isn't going for grammar, or style or any of the formality stuff. the "sentence" made isn't a sentence it's an allusion to the poem actions the extend past the poem. The poem just says she's with him, the allusion is that there is more than her just being with him, she loves him. use your imagination, that's what it's there for "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. |
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