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Teen Poetry #2

Love at First Sight!

chic
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 245
yellville, Ar, U.S.

0 posted 2000-02-01 10:30 AM

I look at him
he looks at me.
I turn away
my heart does flee.

As he nears
i get the shakes.
My fear of love
again awakes.

I look up
our eyes lock.
He smiles at me
i'm deep in shock.

I never believed
in this before.
Is it love
or just a door?

A door to misery.
A door to pain.
I swore never
to love again.

As we stare
i begin to see.
This is happening
happening to me!

I cannot fight it
not with all my might.
It is Love
Love at First Sight!

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[This message has been edited by chic (edited 02-01-2000).]

Mistikman
Senior Member

since 2000-01-10

Posts 682
San Jose, CA, USA

1 posted 2000-02-01 10:45 AM

Great poem. I have a few suggestions though. first would be to change the first stanza a little so you dont use the word me twice to rhyme, rhymes usually use 2 different words that sound the same

Second, in the fifth stanza, pain and again dont rhyme well, unless you mispronounce one. You might want to change that a little. Maybe when I get back from school in about 7 hours ill post up some reccomendations, for now I have not the time

I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion

chic
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 245
yellville, Ar, U.S.

2 posted 2000-02-01 11:07 AM

thanx for the advice i'll try it out and see what i can come up with.

Singer1981
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 148
Fredonia, NY USA

3 posted 2000-02-01 11:10 AM

This is a really great poem. Isn't it great when you just connect with someone? Like Mistik...I think that you should try and find another word to rhyme in the first stanza...although I couldn't think of one so I don't know. Also...one other suggestion, in the fifth stanza, maybe instead of repeating never "I swore never never again" you could put "I swore never to love again" Just a suggestion.

Anyways...great job as always! I can't wait to read more!!
~Sarah

chic
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 245
yellville, Ar, U.S.

4 posted 2000-02-01 11:14 AM

actually i must say that i type how i talk and i have an accent so u'll have to say it like ur saying a and gain like the laundry detergent.LOL

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