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| Open Poetry #3 |
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Rhiannon Member
since 1999-07-28
Posts 95Fayetteville, TN USA |
I want to empty myself of you I want your touch to disappear I want your eyes to fade away Your lips to tell me to stay I want my heart to be new again I want to relish in my sin I want to begin ------------------ The night is my companion The solitude my guide Would I spend forever here And not be satisfied? Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession" |
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| © Copyright 1999 Rhiannon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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desperado Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 312FT Hood,Tx |
ok it's a nice little piece, but a few things first of all. number one, remove the spaces between the lines so that it appears as a block form. it's just easier on the reader due to the overall size and length of the poem. It also helps it keep consistent and continue towards your ultimate goal (which is the readers satisfaction, but sometimes every one takes that for granted when the write something) I want to empty myself of you I want your touch to disappear I want your eyes to fade away Your lips to tell me to stay second, this fourth line contradicts the first three. what is it's purpose overall? you are trying to get rid of someone or something and yet you negate what you have said by adding this. I want my heart to be new again I want to relish in my sin I want to begin third, begin what? what are you trying to begin? are you trying to begin a game of checkers? or perhaps a game of gin? if you are playing gin deal me in too, ok? try to give the reader at least an idea of where your going such as "I want to begin to live" or "I want to begin to love you/You are all I need" or something. fourth, I don't know what your overall goal is here, and alot of that rests primarily on your last line, as it completely leaves this poem with loose ends. so take this and tie up those ends and try once more. |
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Rhiannon Member
since 1999-07-28
Posts 95Fayetteville, TN USA |
First, I really like contradiction in feelings, because most of the time (especially in love) there are quite a few contradictory emotions (especially in teenagers). Basically I was trying to express that and most people my age don't know what they want yet, and the line "I want to begin" is supposed to be ambiguous, because I don't really know what I want to begin. ------------------ The night is my companion The solitude my guide Would I spend forever here And not be satisfied? Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession" |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy? |
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