»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #3
»
Autumn Passions
| Open Poetry #3 |
|
Autumn Passions |
|
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
-this is one that didn't do too well in Teen2 (suprise suprise) I renamed it and posted it here.- While greenery becomes a spreading fire Crisp leaves cover the forest floor The brisk winds invariably fuel my desire To have the freedom I did before Crisp leaves cover the forest floor The days flow quickly, I feel I must run To have the freedom I had before To enjoy this season for laughing and fun The days flow quickly, I feel I must run Instead of vanishing with not a trace To enjoy this season of laughing and fun I have to stop running from fears I must face Instead of vanishing with not a trace Losing my youth to infinite lies I have to stop running from fears I must face Quit being this coward, a me I despise Losing my youth to infinite lies My pride had fallen like blazing leaves from the trees Quit being this coward, a me I despise I'll come back not caged, but a bird in the cool breeze My pride had fallen like blazing leaves from the trees The brisk winds invariably fuel my desire To come back not caged, but joyous and free in the breeze While greenery becomes a spreading fire ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- [This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 10-22-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
Liked this much.But I think you missed a line break in the begining.  ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
||
|
Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I enjoyed the theme of this poem very much. You did miss a break in the beginning. Your meter is inconsistant as well. I think you have a good poem here but it could be great with a little more work. I am not an expert on meter by any means but I am learning. |
||
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Yeah, I know the meters a little off, especially in the last 2 stanzas. I fixed the missing line break though.  ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
||
|
JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
Don't care if the meter is off a little! I like it much. Jennifer |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
SD - It's wonderful to see you writing like this - and you're right - It's not surprising that this would not be appreciated in a teen forum. As a rule, teenagers don't know what a pantoum is - never mind comment on one.. Very nice work.... Keep 'em coming... [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 10-23-1999).] |
||
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Nan- my problem with the teen forum is not the lack of knowledge of form...but the lack of all replies in general!!! I'm trying to get people to reply more in there...to no avail. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||