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Mark R.
Member

since 1999-06-25

Posts 113
San Francisco, CA.

0 posted 1999-07-08 11:30 PM

I find myself looking back at those days,
When the sun smiled passionately with it's
rays.
Squinting as I looked to the skies,
Finding it hopeless, as I shielded my eyes.

A colorful butterfly danced in the air,
Flying to safety, to hide from the glare.

Standing under a tree, I scanned the land
before me,
Outstretching my arms as I asked the wind
to find me.

Beyond the great rock and across the great
lake,
Came a strong, tender wind catching me in
it's wake.

I looked to the east, and I looked to the
west,
Covering my eyes for the sun would not rest.
And there to my left and next to the tree,
Stood a beautiful flower blooming proudly.

Sitting there as the clouds rolled in and
the thunder boomed,
I was reminded of the days, back when the
flowers bloomed...

This is one of my first poems so please feel free to give any "constructive" criticism. I could use the help. Thanks

[This message has been edited by Mark R. (edited 07-15-99).]

jfreak
Member

since 1999-06-17

Posts 306
Yuma, AZ, USA

1 posted 1999-07-09 01:25 AM

I think you are a talented poet. One thing you need to watch out for is keeping your rhyme scheme in tack. Don't stray from it and them go back to it. It throws the whole rhythm of the poem off.

EX: the line-I looked to the east, and I looked to the
west,
Covering my eyes so the sun wouldn't blind
me

You get away from your rhyme scheme. It wasn't so bad here but if say you did it twice or more in a poem it just makes the poem jerky and you will not keep the reader's attention. So just watch out for that okay. That is all I got for you. Decent poem. I rather enjoyed it. Keep up the great work.

JFreak

elvira
Senior Member

since 1999-07-06

Posts 936
California

2 posted 1999-07-12 03:21 PM

this is the first poem you have ever written?...i do applaud you...keep coming back!

------------------
i never call a poem "nice" or such,
for that would not be saying much

Mark R.
Member

since 1999-06-25

Posts 113
San Francisco, CA.

3 posted 1999-07-12 11:03 PM

Thanks guys/gals, I really appreciate your support on something that I've been attempting to start for a very long time now.
Poetry, has always meant a great deal to me and to finally find myself in the company of so many gifted poets pleases me beyond imagination. I hope to continue to read and discover the many other poems written by the talents of the poets here at Passions and hopefully add my own as a go along. Thank you again.

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