Victorious Night (??? title unsure of)... a long story being worked on... part 2

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Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

0 posted 2000-09-01 03:59 AM

A little after 10 PM and we had gathered in the dark dingy dungeon of a bunker where even a breath of fresh air seemed to charge a vast amount of rent. Five of us stood there almost like fierce guards preventing the entry of rabid dogs at war. Armed with handguns with a shooting skill matching the worst amateur bunch of hunters there ever was to shoot a static target from a distance of five metres! But that must do, that’s what gave us the motivation, between today and tomorrow, tomorrow seemed to have better hopes. Tomorrow promised the end of the war, and a cease-fire to bring things back to their funny and merry ways, with routine happenings and questions of life, death, hunger, disease, joy, emotions and love ruling instead of meaningless hatred. Yet all the five of us were glued in a stare transfixed upon the hatch of the bunker we called Haven Underground with ears upright to hear the faintest of a footstep treading towards the bunker. All this against a backdrop of deafening explosions of bombs going off.

Paul, (Paulie, he was called and he hated the name) was very angry with all that was happening. He screamed foul at almost everybody. The only ones he spared were the ladies and a few others, for he could never blame the mothers for the mistakes of their children. Paul's brother, James (nicknamed Jim as was most common) was quite the opposite. A saint in disguise of a very hard working man. Four years senior to Paul, he was a devout follower of the Murphy's axioms. To him, war was thoughtless, but then destined to happen. The foul that comes with war is simply the result of the thoughtlessness. This was his sincere belief. Robert (fondly and teasingly called Rob a short form derived from Robbie, ever since he stole a kiss from one of the pretty young things at school) was Paul's classmate in school and friend since they were four years old. He was a typical self-made guy, most adequately equipped for all kinds of tricky situations. He was an adventurer at heart and an escapist to form. To him, Paulie's friendship was God's writ. A rule that he had vowed never to break. Often in the past, He had proved his friendship on many occasions for various reasons. The last man there was also the most introvert and non-charismatic personality a bit worse off than I was, in that department. Named Anthony at birth, we had changed it to Tony, a beautiful name with music in his name. His name was the most flamboyant part of his personality. But that is exactly what gave his the edge. Silent and calm at the most dangerous of situations, he was cool as a cucumber, a man to be trusted to keep us alive as long as he could by force of sheer wit and wisdom. He was everybody's friend since he antagonised no one. He had no enemies; till three weeks back. My job in the group was to crack meaning less 'jokes' and half them laughing them like nuts after getting them sufficiently drunk. I was an expert in making cocktail drinks and that was the only part of my profile worth to be included in my resume. They called me 'Nuts' and I didn't mind.

Three weeks back, we all had jobs, but with the war having been declared, all jobs were meaningless to be attended for the offices were gutted to be marked as the first victims. Our enemies were clever. They wanted to systematically destroy us. We were lucky, we had the day off, but there were about 15 workers working and all of them but one lost their lives. The sole soul who survived, Samuel (affectionately known as Uncle Sam because that resembled a great country, as was he) committed suicide as he was left with no arms or legs and no colleagues. All his closest friends were also his colleagues. He had been working there for more than 35 years. He would have retired in three months' time. Unfortunately, the war retired him earlier!

sweetcollege_girl
Senior Member

since 1999-12-03

Posts 872
just about where I want to be

1 posted 2000-09-01 10:57 AM

Great story, Sudhir! About the great Uncles Sam no less! Truly great work!

~*~SCG~*~

"Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

2 posted 2000-09-01 02:40 PM

Last part was

Sud-mon: I'd like to see you develop the characters a bit more.. perhaps giving them their own paragraphs. Also, with Uncle Sam, maybe talk a little about him before hand, THEN enter his demise. Give the readers a reason to REALLY feel sad about his death!

Just my op.

Chris

Rosebud1229
Senior Member

since 2000-04-05

Posts 1813
North Carolina

3 posted 2000-09-01 02:58 PM

I for one think this part is fabulous how you describe and go so into detail, which shows they all have there unique style, can't wait for more your doing excellent
I love the part where you wrote a sole soul thats way cool. As far as the characters go I to long to hear more about them which I'm sure you will entail as time goes by.

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

4 posted 2000-09-02 07:38 PM

lavada, you are so sweet and kind... thank you...

Chris, I am already rewriting the stuff already... I will put it up tomorrow... been a busy saturday... Thank you for your great inputs.. I will be pleased if you can check the revised version tomorrow... Thanks

Rosebud, Thank you so very much... I am fighting hard with time to do this... I will be gifting this to a friend of mine as he wanted me to write one on war etc... I hopeI do a good job at the end...

regards,
sudhir.
I will post a revised post (as a new topic) tomorrow, so if you need to, please go ahead and lock this thread, dear moderators... Thanks

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