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City of Whispers--First real attempt, appreciate input
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City of Whispers--First real attempt, appreciate input |
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Deranger Member
since 2000-05-10
Posts 498Somewhere, between here and there |
***Note***: There are "bad words" in this, nothing really "bad", but tell me if it needs to be toned down. But remember, i am going for realism here, and people cuss in real life. City Of Whispers Prologue I remember a time, long ago when life was simpler. All I ever wanted was a stable job, loyal friends and a pretty girl to love. Deep down, I think that’s what every man really wants. But life has a way of confusing everything, teaching you things you never wanted to know. One day, you wake up and realize that you lost sight of your simple goals, you’re doing thing that’s ten years ago would make you vomit, but now you can’t remember why. My name is Matt Jones, I’m twenty-seven and my profession is a little less than kosher. I have a knack for stumbling onto things that people would rather other people not find out. Black mail. It’s not a glamorous job, but hell, the world’s an ugly place. In my line of business, you don’t make many friends, but I have a few. Nick Nathers, the person that discovered my little “knack” and got me talking to the right people. Chase Gehr, a physically imposing hot-headed German, but generally a nice guy. Our little quad wouldn’t be complete without Samantha Clark. She’s the last anchor of sanity in our group, we’d would be rotting in some cell if it weren’t for that girl. I loved her from the second I met her, but have been too chicken-**** to do anything about it...story of my life. We play a dangerous game, always one step ahead of the bullet. But we all knew, we could trip at any moment. July 19, 2000, that moment came. Chapter One: The piecing rings of my phone tore my from my much needed sleep. Painfully, I opened my eyes and searched the headboard for the phone. “Hello?” I managed. “James, how fast can you get over here” Samantha’s voice sounded good even at four in the morning. “What…why?” I responded groggily. “Just get over here!” She hung up. ****… where the hell were my keys? -------------------------------------- Ok this is the first part, so maybe (depending on repsonses), i will put up the rest Thanks for reading. [This message has been edited by Deranger (edited 07-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Alexander Crino - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Deranger: My suggestion would be to use the first part of your story as an outline for the rest of your story. The problem I see with it is that you give away too much too soon about the main characters of the story. One of the hallmarks of a good story is character development. YOU know who the characters are, YOU know about their history and their special talents ... but WE don't all have to know so much about them all at once.  Like the idea ... I look forward to seeing it fleshed out. Jim P.S. I am not a big fan of profanity in writing ... sure people use it in real life but in writing I think it is usually inserted more for shock value then for the sake of realism. My second suggestion is that you rethink incorporating the profanity into the story ... IMHO, I think it detracts from the narrative. Just an opinion. |
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