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Sixty Three Hours In Darkness
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Sixty Three Hours In Darkness |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! 
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This is my first attempt at writing a short story of pure fiction. Any feedback you could give would be greatly appreciated. All my love, Jeffrey Sixty Three Hours In Darkness Memoirs Of An Earthquake Survivor It had turned out to be quite a wonderful week. In spite of being trapped in an elavator for two and a half hours during one of the worst blackouts in California's history. Power outages were reported from Sacremento to Los Angeles. In spite of all of that it was still turning out to be a wonderful week. After all, I had just gotten a promotion ( which came with a nice fat raise in my salary. ) I had all my Christmas shopping done three weeks early, and I had gotten engaged to the love of my life. I'd say that was a pretty good week. Little did I know that life as I knew it would soon be over.... I was in a rush so I thought I'd take the LA Expressway home. It was four thirty in the afternoon so , of course , traffic was jam packed. It was almost like the scene you always see in the movies where everyone is trying to leave town at the same time. That was when my life started to change. There was a sudden rumbling vibration in the air. At first I thought it was my old Volvo about to leave me stranded again. Until the guy in front of me slammed on his breaks. My life flashed before my eyes for the first in a long line of times to follow over the next sixty three hours. I stopped literally inches short of giving this guy a Volvo enima. All I could say was "Thank you Jesus." That is until I looked in my rear view mirror. There was the biggest, ugliest monster I have ever seen. To be continued...... |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jeffrey D. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WolfsMate Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 121New York |
A good beginning. I do think that if you fleshed this out a bit more it would help. Try to be more descriptive in what was happening around you, what the day was like,etc. Anxiously awaiting the rest of this!  "You never have to worry...Never fear for I am near" |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Sounds like you are on the road to an exciting action packed story. Jeffrey "Being trapped miserably in an elevator during one of the worst blackouts in California's history was not exactly how I had planned my day. I knew power outages had been reported from Sacremento to Los Angeles, yet, without thinking I squished myself in with the people already in the elevator. The elevator's doors slid shut and it started climbing upwards like it always did. Then it stopped, the lights went out and I could hear the different reactions piercing the air. "Oh God! "Crap!" And my own, "Oh, man why didn't I take the stairs?" Many of us started talking about how long it would be before we were rescued and soon we started sitting on the floor. I sat there feeling nervous and a bit suffocated, stuffed in with the rest of the unfortunates,I was glad there was air, yet disgusted with its staleness. The man on my left smelled of cigar smoke and the woman on my right gagged me with her strong perfume. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more - I woke up from my dream and threw the blanket off my head. ---)heheh It was a very long two and half hours before we were finally were rescued. In spite of that lousy start to the week, things were picking up -- (raise) (engaged) Then to the traffic jam ---) Just some thoughts, what you are starting out with is great Jeffrey, but does need some description ----) The reason I took the time with this one is -- when you start out something you want to flow with it leaving your reader in suspense -- in your traffic jam you can tell you have already been saved because of how you are telling it. Got to make your reader feel like they don't know what happens to you --) Only do this kind of critiques for friends and since you asked for help -- you got it ----- hugs from netswan |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
Wow! Are you sure that this was your first short story? I'd say a very good beginning! I look forward to the rest of it. "Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying." Harry Anderson, "Night Court" *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Teresa, I want to thank you for some very insightful advise...I really do have alot to learn. Again , Thank you. All my love, Jeffrey I lie awake in a world filled with dreams, but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Good ideas for the start of a story, I Agree. It could be very interesting to see where you take this! Netswan seems to have the right idea, if you flesh it out this could be excellent! Good start though, keep writing! Abrahm Simons "...Watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose" - Trent Reznor, "We're in this Together" |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Jeffery, First of all, welcome to the club of short story writers. I have read many of your poems and found them exquisite. Now I see this venture in to short stories, a bold step, and may be a very wise one. On the other hand I started writing short stories first, and then moved towards poetry and have been crissing and crossing between the two. Now, that I have successfully managed to brashly talk about nothing important (ah, my ego), I would switch to what you have started out with. I hope you do not mind me passing so many comments and I hope I manage to encourage to explore this realm ever more... Firstly, the choice of the title: I would not put the line Memoirs of an Earthquake Survivor, since this cuts out a possible suspense. The reader already expects the end, and maybe midway would skip to the end just to reassure himself. Secondly, the topic you have chosen is brilliant and is actually suitable for a mid-sized story, and thus more expansive than a short story. All you have to do is sketch a character and show the things happening around him. Thirdly, you have chosen first person here, so have to be careful not to overdo the I and Me and mine. But this gives you enough to add converstions with colleagues, other people, recollections from the past and so on... Fourthly, Check this out for a starting paragraph: "What a wonderful week it was!" I thought as I was recollecting the happenings of the week so far. It was Friday and a beautiful friday too. "Fridays are always beautiful", many people would say and agree with me there. Looking forward towards the weekend with the love of my life. As the events of the week started coming back to me. Monday saw me having an appraisal meeting with my boss. Tuesday was the best day of my life. I had finally got engaged to my dearest angel after waiting for 3 years, patiently, in love and in the ever-present hope to see that day. The moment was so pleasurable. I will treasure it for my entire life, I promise myself time and again. Thursday was a day when the results of my meeting from monday, gave me a reason for champagne and celebration. I was promoted and this meant a fat raise in my pay packet. My future married life was secure. I could finally buy a new car, and set a target for a house soon. "Thank you, God!" I repeated again. Moreover, I had even done my Christmas shopping three weeks in advance! It was an excellent week. Personally, my life had taken a new dimension. Professionally, my work had been recognised. Undoubtedly, the best week of my life. Except for a glitch this day when I spent two and half hours, trapped in a lousy, smelly elevator. .... use ideas like netswan just to add some spice and variation, instead of haivng a monotonous description from the narrator himself... and then continue Any other week, I would have been huffing and puffing and thinking very hard of suing the power company, swearing all the slangs that I could come out with. But this had been a great week, so I did not mind so much. Other moments of the week managed to suppress my misery and anger of the time wasted in the elevator. Soon, it was a half past four, and time to get away from work and towards my darling angel. We had to be at a celebration dinner, amongst friends and I was quite eager to be there on time and properly dressed and decked up. I was imagining, 'a nice warm shower, a splash of my ever so handy Old Spice, a touch of Armani', when suddenly I braked my old volvo to a screeching halt. Traffic was horrendous, as one has begun to expect and accept at the time of the day. ........ and so on. The idea of the dinner and the people the character had invited should help in bring out his nature, and help him spent the 63 hours. A sublime idea of hope, love, friendship, scenes of worried people around etc... will help in making this completed in style that is naturally yours. Jeffery, if you feel this as an intrusion, please say so. But the topic, I reiterate, is enough material in to making into a book, if you life. Now, it is upto you to set yourself a target... I hope that I have been of help. Cheers to a budding new story teller and writer... Regards, Sudhir < !signature--> In any moment of decision, The best thing you can do is the right thing, The next-best thing is the wrong thing, And the worst thing you can do is nothing. - Theodore Roosevelt [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-08-2000).] |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Jeffrey, This is really good for a first-timer. You have a great start. Heed the advice of the writiers who have replied ahead of me, and hurry up with that conclusion! "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Here comes Marilyn pulling up the rear as always..lol. You have received some good advice here Jeffrey. I hope that it can be of some value to you. Being descriptive is very necessary when you are trying to get a readers to identify with the main character. Remember that you are trying to make the events of this person's life come alive for them. When you have finished writing a paragraph...re-read it and ask yourself if there are any unanswered questions. Now in a suspense you want some questions to remain but you also want the reader to be clear on who the main character is. (hmm am I making any sense here?) In order for a reader to be transported into the life of the character we need as much information as possible without giving away the plot line. It is a game of enough information but not too much. I will be looking forward to reading what you come up with. This was an excellent plot line to begin with. When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep; How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face... William Butler Yeats |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jeffery: I like your idea too and agree that fleshing out the beginning a little bit may give the reader a chance to get to know the poor, unfortunate sap. Pulling off a short story in the first person can be challenging. For some ideas I would recommend you pick up a few books by Robin Hobb (the Assassin books ... the Farseer Series I think). I enjoyed your story and look forward to future installments. Jim |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Just wanted to thank everyone and let you all know that I have started to work on this again thanks to the encouragement of a friend I hope to post a revised edition very soon |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
just as i was starting to get into it those three little words that i didnt want to hear popped up on the screen. this first part is very well written.i hope to see the next part soon. ~IF YOU WANT SOMETHING VERY BADLY~SET IT FREE~IF IT COMES BACK TO YOU~ITS YOURS FOREVER~IF IT DOESNT IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO BEGIN WITH~ |
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