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Twisted Reality
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Twisted Reality |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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Woo boy, this is a strange one, I'd love a critique on this, or some opinions. I wasn't totally pleased with the ending, but I can't do much with this one! Dang, now I scared you all away... The sun falls upon the endless field of glistening white, its weak rays carry no heat but seem only a mockery of the darkness in my soul and the coldness of my heart. The only blemish in the snowfield is a single set of footprints leading from the distant horizon to my feet. The stark whiteness that surrounds me as far as the eye can see contrasts with the writhing torrent of dark thoughts manifesting in my tortured mind. I think of a day when I was not like this, when my feet did not carry me until I dropped in the cold snow and raging nightmares took over my mind. I remember a day when I had a home, when my heart was filled with love and I was not damned to wander these snowfields. I keep walking, my thoughts raging in my brain until I find my legs weakening beneath me. I tumble headfirst into the snow and as I lay there completely drained of energy the nightmares begin to take over my crippled mind again and the hell of sleep enveloped me. ********** I placed my quill back in the inkwell as another reverie of my wife came upon me, for she often comes among my thoughts. I saw her before me, beautiful flaxen locks fell about her shoulder. I see her round face and how the passionate red lips turned up into that alluring, mischievous smile. I could almost see the green eyes reflecting a fiery soul and happiness… “What are you smiling at?” snapped an arrogant, white-robed scholar. “Nothing, sir,” I replied weakly, quickly snatching up my quill and scratching furiously at the parchment in front of me. “Good, now I better not see you day dreaming again,” the scholar huffed, already walking away, his nose high in the air. “Damn him,” I mumbled after I know him to be out of earshot. I hate arrogance and the arrogance of a scholar is a tremendous thing indeed. “Oh well,” I muttered complacently and continue my incessant scratching as I copy from a great leather tome onto the inferior pages of the book I was given. My thoughts quickly began to wander again from my assigned menial task and to my true purpose here and my aspirations. The arrogant scholars keep all the knowledge to themselves, saying how dangerous it would be in the hands of the layman. I don’t believe in such and will take what I learn from the tomes and teach it to my fellow citizens becoming not a scholar but an educator… Breaking free of my reverie I began to concentrate on the tome before me, but not so much on the transcribing as in the words within its pages… ********** My eyes slip open to reveal blank whiteness and I feel my raw skin rubbing against the burning cold of ice and snow. In a daze I withdraw my exposed arms and clamber to my feet, looking dumbly upon streaks of crimson in the snow. I glance about and turn to put my footprints behind me and begin stumbling on again. I trudge onwards stiffly, stumbling and tripping as I make my weary and slow trek through the barren wastelands. I keep my eyes fixed upon the horizon, a hazy line where the blazing white of the snow meets the dull gray of the sky. My mind again wanders differently from the body, images half form before my possessed eyes only to fade and swirl phantastically into oblivion. A woman’s face appears and fades as visions of buildings appear and crowds rear up in my head. Voices raised in hatred and rage assail my mind and then fire! God! Not the fire! Scarlet flames licking the buildings and engulfing screaming figures twisting in agony. I let loose an ungodly shriek and I lift my hands to my face, “Stop,” I scream as I claw in desperation at my face. I feel blood trickle into my eyes and down my cheek, I scream again and fall into the snow. ********** Soft candlelight illuminated the cozy room and I surveyed it in detail as I took a deep breath of the air and waited for my guest to arrive. Curtains of an emerald green clung to the window edges, like ivy growing on it’s frame. Deep plush carpets woven in an intricate design of unnamable hues covered the floors. The dark rosewood table stood centermost in the room, its surface polished and repolished until it had a mirror-like cast. I had looked over this room so many times in the past hour I began to think that I was obsessed with its perfection! Now the simplest but most trying part was before me, the waiting. Only half an hour and she would open the door, and I would escort her to her seat and treat her to a delicious meal and romantic evening the like of which she has not experienced since our courting days! My mind lingers with a smile upon that thought; anything for her… anything for Elizabeth… I threw myself into one of the overstuffed, ancient armchairs that are so comfortable, but Elizabeth so loathes, and picked up my book, a pilfered tome from the library, and attempt to pass the time until she arrives. Upon opening the tome a passage immediately appealed to my eyes. Written in verse and in golden ink it stands out in splendor and upon reading it’s words I found it beautiful to say and to hear. It was but the work of a few moments to imprint those words upon my mind and I think that now I will say these words to my love when she should come. The words beguiled even me and I wished to share their beauty with my wife. It was then that the door was thrown wide and my heart skipped a beat as the radiant, flaxen haired beauty that is my Elizabeth stepped through the door. I hesitated for but a moment before I fell quickly to one knee and raised her hand to my mouth for a kiss. “My darling,” I nearly cooed, “tonight I will treat you to a night of fine dining and romance you have never experienced the like of,” I finished with a glittering smile, escorting my giggling wife to her chair and seating her. From the oven and stove in our kitchen I removed our meal for the evening, a delicacy from some far away country that I managed to pilfer from the library. I quickly arranged the still steaming food artfully on silver plated dishes and brought forth the savory food with a much-practiced gait. Before my wife I place one plate, and in my empty spot the other. From beneath my seat I produced a bottle of wine, an antique vintage of some value and famed flavor. I smiled at her little gasp of shock as I remove the cork and poured us two brimming glasses of the blush liquid. Now I moved to take my seat and let the meal begin, but for one moment I held myself in check and lifted my glass up high for a moment, then said: “Let us partake of this wine that has lasted down through the years and has not turned bitter and foul, but has grown sweet and all the more precious, and let our love do the same, and grow all the more wonderful with age.” I raised my glass to her lips and hers to mine and we drink the wine and I begin to feel it overtake me but paid it no heed. Now the lull of eating sets in and I nervously reach for my fork and began to delicately eat my meal, giving my wife glances over the candles on the table. She smiled back and picked up her own fork and lifted it laden to her mouth. Her eyelids slid shut and an expression of bliss came over her face, she “mmm’ed” softly as she daintily chewed the delicacy. She began to eat more assuredly now and I followed her pace. When she set her silverware upon the dish she looks at me and smiles that devious little smile that always sped my pulse. “Now what little surprise do you have for me?” she asked with a little hint of mischief in her voice. “First I’m going to clear away these dishes, and then I’ll show you what I have planned for your night,” I smiled mysteriously, gently teasing. I stand up and carried the dishes to the wash basin and then come back out to find my wife lying on her chest on the couch. “Perfect,” I smile to myself. I walked quietly to her side and sit down gently upon the sofa’s silky cushions. I put my hands to her back and gently rubbed her, moving up and down her body. I could hear her sigh softly as my hands work away stresses and pains, moving fluidly upon her satin skin. “Now is the perfect time,” I think, recalling the gilded words of the old tome. With practiced precision and excellent rhythm the words spill from my tongue as silver waters tumbling from on high. The words floated on the air with an almost musical quality, but even though candles carefully perfumed the room, I smell some whiff of a rank odor as I uttered the words. From deep down in my soul I felt a wrenching and my hands faltered upon her satin skin… *********** A scream erupts from my hoarse throat as the horrors of my resting mind shattered and I was thrust into a frozen reality. A great drift of the crystalline blades had formed over my unconscious form and it was now with great effort that I oust myself from it. My eyes were blinded by the sudden shift from inky black to brilliant white as I burst from my barrow. I take in my breath in ragged gasps pulling in the chilled arctic air and beginning to work my legs in the now mechanical movement of running. I run and I run, ignoring the stabbing pains in my chest as I push on through the knee high snow, running away from the visions and voices in my head. I flounder on through the snow for what seems an eternity and when I think I can force my legs to move no longer I see not stark white, but consuming blackness stretched out below me. I stand at the edge of a chasm and its depth was impenetrable to my eye on account of the utter blackness of this fissure in the earth. I pause but a moment before I throw my weakened and despairing body over the precipice and into the final blackness. ********** “My God! What have I done?” I screamed in my mind as I watched the burning skeletons of the once proud houses of my village crumble and fall to the earth. As the chaos spun around us my wife’s grip tightened on my arm and I turned to look into her eyes, eyes gone wide and wild with fright. “Everyone’s safe,” I told her. I know this to be true, after the strange feeling in the house I picked up my wife and took her to safety and screamed to my fellow citizens of what I felt was impending doom. After my now disgruntled neighbors had been led from their houses smoke began to pour from the window and bright scarlet flames began to devour the many homes and life works of us all. Our friends and family were safe that was what was truly important. One and all saddened by the loss of our homes but solaced by the fact we were alive, we made to retire in the village square. It was far enough from the dying embers of our home to be safe and the summer air was fair enough that it should not be an unpleasant night. *** I awoke what seemed a short time later shivering uncontrollably as a cold wind scythed through my clothing. I cast off my blanket only to be showered by tiny blades of ice. I quickly stumbled to my feet my body shaking from the cold to survey the world around me. That world was incredibly changed. All around me were fields of white, stretching from horizon to horizon. Fields so perfect, so flat and lifeless that a shudder runs down my spine. There were no tree’s no skeletal remains of houses, absolutely nothing. It was then that I realized that there were no startled cries of fright, no shallow breathing of a person asleep. Only silence, dominating silence. I looked about frantically, running and calling for my companions, my neighbors. I was dashing forward when I caught my foot on something and fell face first into the biting snow. I dusted myself off and went to discover what in this featureless plain had caused me to trip. I brushed the snow away from the spot and found an arm, thin and feminine. I kept brushing away the snow and what lay before me was the most horrific sight of my life. There lay a body, blue from cold. Its flaxen hair flowing from her head like a starburst, not even cold and death could take the beauty out of her features. Her eyes though, those beautiful emerald orbs were locked into a gaze of utter horror and pain. I took one look upon them and flew from the place, running, floundering racing through the snow to put as much distance between that horrific vision and myself. ********** Into the darkness I fall. Blackness surrounds me at all angles and fills my vision with its wondrous nothing. As I fall every detail presents itself to me in horrifying detail, I can feel the blood running down my chapped, wind-burned lips to dribble down my chin, my lacerated arms throb to the pulse of my heart and ahundred more pains and discomforts burn and torture me. I close my eyes and distance myself from the gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach, despairing of the pain of my demise and what could possibly be after his tortured end. When my thoughts reached what seemed was their darkest point and utter despair had a strangle hold upon my heart, I felt a jarring impact and my teeth rattle in my skull. I take a moment to assess myself, a dull ache in my chest and a sore jaw seemed to be my only ailments. Slowly my eyes flutter open to reveal the soft pastels of the walls of my very own bedchamber with my wife bouncing enthusiastically on the bed, her golden hair flying and a smile on her face. “Time to get up, my sweet! You’ve been having bad dreams all night, it’s time you get up and face the day!” I softly pad after my wife as she quickly bolts from the room and heads off to the kitchen. Upon entering the room, I find it empty but a delightful aroma is rising from the stove. Cinnamon, how wonderful! I turned to thank my wife for baking me the treat of cinnamon rolls to find her lying crumpled in a heap, blood smearing the floor and walls equally. Behind me I hear a loud thud, as of a heavy object being dropped and spinning in terror I see that leather bound book resting upon the hard oaken floor. Upon it’s parchment pages was written in letters of scarlet: “Thou can not escape my reality.” < !signature--> In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn. -- Abrahm Simons [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
loved the story Abe...it pulled me in from the start!  ..i've been working on some prose things...I'm writing one now...it's gonna be long, more like a book instead of a prose..but i'll post it in parts..anyway..again I say good luck, and I loved the ending..nothing was wrong with it!  Cool Abe..very cool ~~Lavada "For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it For every love, there is a heart somewhere to receive it".--Ivan Panin |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Excellent piece of writing Abe. I found a few flaws in the punctuation (reader's point of view, flow wise). I am not sure if you want my take or not. If you do just ask and I will spend some time on it and e-mail it to you. |
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Ruby dagger Member
since 1999-08-01
Posts 76Wyoming, MN, U.S.A |
Wow! this is a great story, it kept me on the edge of my chair. Wow! I just love this story. Luv ya Kelly Love breaths when you're out of breath, Love sits by the bedside when you're near to death, and Love still feels it when the feelings gone, Love lives on and on. Love is the right place. -Bryan White |
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&dispose Junior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 18 |
**** Sorry if this is a bit incoherent, I am tired and want to get this out while I can remeber it.**** I would venture to guess this story hits home with a lot of people in serious relationships (or so they think). This is a great display of what happens when our minds are allowed to wander, showing a very descriptive world both physically and psychologically. While the ending was predictable, it fit. Some kind of final reminder that we are afraid to be afraid. We (as a race) don't believe ourselfs capable of thinking that way, and need an "evil scapegoat" to escape our guilty consience. Overall: Excellent, keep it up. And remeber, "Careful what you wish." It was once said: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, its yours forever, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be." What if its dumb? - &dispose |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Abrahm...I think your prose idea has come to a screeching halt stay cool ~~Lavanda~~  "For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it For every love, there is a heart somewhere to receive it".--Ivan Panin |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Critique?? Did someone say critique?? lol  Hello Abe! (may I call you Abe?) Disclaimer: I have a tendancy to ramble, and also to create very long replies once I get going! (just ask Chris!)  Paragraph breaks and such: I have such a hang up on this part, because I believe that they are so very important. One giant paragraph that is pages long has a tendancy to stress out the eyes of the reader, heck, stress out the reader in general! There has to be a certain amount of 'white space' to break up the length of prose. I think you've handled this marvelously!! Great breaks, and I like the way you've used italics to separate thoughts. Tense: You're switching tenses...and in spots, I can see where it's needed. During flashbacks and whathaveyou. Those tense switches are fine, but what I'm seeing are switches within sections and also within sentances. I'll give you an example: "The sun falls (You've begun this in the present tense) upon the endless field of glistening white, its weak rays carry no heat, but seem only a mockery of the darkness in my soul and the coldness of my heart. The only blemish in the snowfield was (Oops! Past tense here, should be 'is' instead of 'was') a single set of footprints leading from the distant horizon to my feet. The stark whiteness that surrounds me as far as the eye could (should be 'can') see contrasts with the writhing torrent of dark thoughts manifesting in my tortured mind." That though, friend, is an excellent opening paragraph. Very full of imagery and immediately catches the readers attention. You want them to see what you're seeing when you write...and you've pulled that off quite well! I think that the tense problem just needs a little re-write and tweaking on your part, the story line is great! Grammar: I saw a few errors in grammer in this...granted, not enough to completely confound the reader but enough to detract. I also see you doing something I'm absolutely 100% guilty of doing constantly. You really like commas. Believe it or not, they're not needed all the time and certainly not 3 or 4 within one very large sentance. (Trust me, I almost got into a skirmish with my college English prof when she told me to drop all my commas...I jus' love 'em so much!) Here's another example of what I mean:"I raised my glass to her lips, and hers to mine and we drink the wine, and I begin to feel it overtake me but paid it no heed." How about something like this: I raised my glass to her lips for a drink as she in turn raised hers to mine, paying no heed to the feel of it overtaking my mind. Here's another one: "“Everyone’s safe,” I told her, and this was true, after the strange feeling in the house, I picked up my wife and took her from the house and screamed to my fellow citizens of what I felt of impending doom." How about: "Everyone's safe," I told her. I know this to be true, for after experiencing the strange feeling in the house I picked up my wife and took her to safety while screaming to my fellow citizens of what I felt was impending doom. (Note that I've only used the word 'house' once...having that word twice, and so close together was a bit distracting.) Off the top of my head, and all suggestions are just that...I certainly hardly ever know what I'm talking about. The ending: Well, I can see what you mean. I can also see why you're not happy with it. It seems as if you cut this story off a little bit before it was ready to end. The ending leaves unanswered questions, that a little expanding could most likely rectify. I'd like to see more detail, expansion, on this story. Perhaps, make it longer. What was this 'tomb' that he was reading, and what significance does it have? It certaily had something, to contain that which could wreak so much havok. You see what I mean? Those are just some observations and suggestions, meant in the most helpful sense. I found this story to be extremely entertaining and captivating. I certainly look forward to reading more from you! May I never be too busy to help another's load, Then I'll be drinking from the saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. --Author Unknown |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Abe, you've outdone yourself here! This is phenomenal! Although I do agree with Saitate that some work on a few things she mentioned (especially the tense thing) would make this even greater than it already is. I love the idea of the twisted reality, of the man becoming consumed with his past. One question for ya though. What in the world else lays in that head of yours, my friend? *Krista Knutson* One lives in the hope of becoming a memory. ~*Antonio Porchia*~ |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Bigger response then I anticipated, thank you all! Lavada - Thanks for your kind words! Marilyn - Thanks for your comments and offer of help, I'll be sure to call on your worthy skill when I need it Kelly - Thanks sweety, always appreciated &dispose - Thanks for looking deep into the piece, you see things that even I don't see. I'm learning about my own mirror. Satiate - Thank you so much for your critique! I'm working on fixing it up like you've suggested, (They all seem like great suggestions). I think I'll also be adding more to the ending. Thank you again! Krista - What can I say? You've read everything I've written and given me support and encouragement enough to keep at it, and I must thank you immensely for that and your kind comments. Also, ask me about what's in my head and I can give you an earfull of the non-sensical stuff floating around in there. Again I want to thank you all for your responses! < !signature--> In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn. -- Abrahm Simons [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 02-12-2000).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Well Abe, sorry it took me so long to get to this! Seems Satiate took all my fun away!!! But in reality, I agree with all that she said. You have a very creative idea here and I like how youchanged perspectives, (not the one's inside the sentances, LOL, the one's you meant to do!) All in all, the good beginning to a possibly great story. And I must say, I think that's all it is... a beginning. There are by far too many unanswered questions. Why did it happen? Why him? Why is it a continuing nightmare? Why is the wife dead when they made it out of the building safely? And if they didn't, then why is he still alive? I know, I'm a pain, LOL, but that's what you get... I think it's got a lot of potential, so let's beef it up a bit and see where it takes us! |
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