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Nuts...:) |
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Clang Member
since 2005-12-15
Posts 222 |
Last October was the fifth anniversary of my diagnosis. I was branded with not one but two mental illnesses. It has been difficult to disseminate who I truly am from my symptoms. Imagine believing in a world full of inspiration and intuition and being told it is an illusion. I take upon myself great accountability for my words and deeds these days. I try to second guess my reactions and ask myself if they are appropriate. Invariably, I try not to get close to people, for I cannot trust even my own mind to guide me in the right direction. And, so, I often will remain silent. I am amazed that I can accomplish this. I never could before. Emotions, that elicited great feeling in my writing, were destructive to my ability to interact and communicate effectively with people. I was a loaded gun. One never knew what to expect and had to walk as if on eggshells around me. I never want to put anyone in that position again. Brave, outlandish and flamboyant personality traits were deemed manias. Poetry-clang. (I haven't written a poem in five years.) The great love of my life was an attachment disorder, although I think about him nearly every day. I now question my motives. I question my life. I try to figure out what was real and what was delusion. And I do the same with my life in the present. There is so much guilt attached to these illnesses. Things I have said and done. I was told never to apologize for being mentally ill. When I look back, I don’t think any amount of I’m sorrys would begin to cover it. If I could have one wish, it would be to repeat the past in my now sober (as in medicated) mind. There are so many things I would have done differently. At the very least I would like to try. I guess it’s the same with anyone experiencing some kind of recovery. I have learned much from my recovering addict friends. Take one day at a time and live just for/in this moment. If there is anything I have learned that I treasure from this it’s a greater understanding and tolerance of people…and patience, too. Sometimes being humbled and finding out you are not ten-feet-tall and bullet proof is a good thing. I am not ashamed. I’m in good company. Tipper Gore, Sylvia Plath, Sir Isaac Newton, Benjamin Franklin, Teddy Roosevelt, Winston Churchill and Ernest Hemmingway are just a few who share(d) my fate. Guess it’s a gift. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Well written!! I enjoyed this immensely. And am glad you feel free to speak about this issue..so many don't, thinking it's something to hide. Continued good health to you!  |
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Clang Member
since 2005-12-15
Posts 222 |
Thank you. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You've joined a large group of people who have decided to find out what it was that has caused their perceived problems. Good for you. That is a very brave thing to do. From my reading, you are taking some kind of medication to help you through this time. I am sure you realize that it is possible you will always be on some kind of medication. I am sure that you also realize that there will be a day when you don't want to be on your medication. On that day, come back to this post, and remind yourself of your feelings at this point in time. I know you can do it. It will not be easy, but you seem too intelligent a person to be swerved from your Passion. You will write again! |
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Clang Member
since 2005-12-15
Posts 222 |
Thank you for your encouragement Sunshine. I don't think I will ever want to go off meds. They make life possible. I hope towrite again. |
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