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Not today
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Not today |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
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Hey.. I haven't written in awhile, but I thought I'd give this a try. Just for the record, it's total fiction  I'm thinking there will be a second part to it though. ------------ It’s funny how things start to be bad. Nobody’s life just ends up bad. It’s little by little, kind of like a frog who jumps into a pot of water. If it’s boiling right away, of course he will jump out. If you warm it up bit by bit, however, he will stay until it’s too late, until he is gone. That’s how I feel Larry was always good to me at first. He told me how nice I was, how smart and how beautiful, how lucky he was to have me. I was a senior in university, and he was working at the local glass factory. He was two years older than I was, and always talked about how much better I was than him. I was quick to disagree: college didn’t make me special, I wasn’t really that smart, anyone could be an accountant. Really, I think this is when it began... I started it. I put myself down to make him feel better, and then he started doing it himself. By the time I graduated and we were married, I felt so inferior.. I wasn’t pretty enough for him, I wasn’t experienced enough to be a good wife... and while he didn’t agree with these thoughts, not at first, he didn’t disagree. So you see how even this was my fault. I started it; I started the pattern of degradation, so who else is there to blame but myself? So you can see how the next step was my fault too. He didn’t like to be left alone.. He liked having his wife home when he was home, and home waiting for him when he wasn’t home. I went to work and came straight home, because thats what I thought he’d like. How quick I was to please him! And now, I am almost 30 years old. We have been married for almost 6 years, and I feel like a prisoner. I don’t know if I love him anymore, and I’m even less sure about his feelings for me. It seems like all he cares about is controlling me. It’s really my fault, though. As you know, I started it all. My day starts at 5:30 am, when I get up to start breakfast for Larry before he leaves for work at 6:30. “Morning, baby” “Hey... these eggs are awfully cold” “Im sorry, I’ll warm them up” “I don’t want any reheated eggs! Forget it.. Just forget it. I’ll go and buy something decent to eat. Too bad I don’t have a wife that can cook” Sometimes I dream about how I thought it would be, how it was at first. We woke up at the same time in each others arms. He whispered how much he loved me, how he didn’t want to get up and face another day at work, not being able to see my face for twelve whole hours! We finally got up and shared a small breakfast of cereal while we held hands like schoolchildren, before we left for our destinations. But now, my only goodbye is a sneering remark. That is how I start my day. It’s my fault, really. Why can’t I even learn to cook some damn eggs? My refuge is work. If I wasn’t enthusiastic about my career, I would enjoy going to work anyway. That is the one place where I can excel, sort of like a secret treehouse for a bullied child in grade school. I could feel good here, feel safe here. I don’t really have any friends, but my co workers are so nice, it almost seems like they are lifelong pals. I know I am a good accountant.. That’s the one thing Larry can’t take away from me. I used to stay overtime, but I willingly gave that up earlier in our marriage, because Larry didn’t like getting home without dinner on the table and without seeing my pretty face at home. Now, I think he just wants the dinner. I look up at the clock and see that it is already 4:45. I’ll have to leave in 15 minutes. I’ve finished the days work long ago, but I work on some extra things to try to keep my mind off of what waits for me. I’ll walk in the door and start fixing dinner. Larry likes the regular American man meals: steaks, hamburgers, things of that nature. I never cared for red meat, but he doesn’t like that I don’t eat what he eats, so I’ve had to eat tons of the stuff over the years. I’ll throw two steaks on the stovetop grill, and change out of my suit into what Larry likes to see me in: sweatpants and a t-shirt. Ah, that’s surprising, eh? That’s something I don’t understand either. I figured he’d want me in some short dress, or some tight pants, so he can lust after my body. I guess I’ve gotten too ugly for him over the years. I sigh, looking at the clock. 5:00 pm. Time to go. I stand up and gather my things as Seth, a co-worker, comes towards me. “Hey Holly, heading home?” “Yes Seth, gotta get things ready for my husband” “You sure are anxious to get home to him” I think of what waits for me.. Of mistakes I know I will make, and the response that will come. I sigh “Oh.. Doesn’t sound good” Damn, Holly! Another mistake. I’m usually careful about this sort of thing, after my best friend made me choose between her and my ‘abusive’ husband. I chose Larry, of course, but since then I’ve been careful to act happy around people. “Oh no Seth, I’m fine. I’m just tired... thats all” Seth doesn’t look convinced, so I make a hasty exit. I sit in my car and look at all of the professional people making their exits. I wonder if this is really the life I deserve. I start the car and start heading towards the house. How does this happen to a person? I know I’ve done a lot of bad things, but I know, deep down, that Larry is abusive. It’s taken me a long time to realize that, and I’m still afraid to even think the word, but it’s true. He’s never hit me, but he tears me apart with words. I wish he would hit me sometimes... then I could go to the police and yell “Look at what he did, take him to jail!”... but I can’t do that. I can run away though... That’s a shocking thought.. I’ve never thought of that. I guess I could though. I could get some money together, this car is in my name, I could go to some old friends, I could always find another job.. I see my house looming in the distance. The small white cottage looks like a dream, but within is my nightmare. The road beyond though.. It’s freedom. But I turn into my driveway... Not today. Oh, make me Thine forever And should I fainting be Lord, let me never ever Outlive my love for Thee |
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| © Copyright 2005 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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The One & Only Member
since 2005-01-26
Posts 58Kansas USA |
to start its not you fault, this man has been the way he is from the start. i have been there and i loved that man, but now almost 30 i have a new life and you can too. if you ever need to talk feel free. keep in mind that you are a person just like me and change is not to hard! |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Hey, thanks for the reply, but this is fiction. Nothing of this is about me or even really relates to me, but I wish you the best of luck! Oh, make me Thine forever |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I like it...but I'm going to give you a good critique.. Let's see MORE in this first part about how bad Larry treats Holly. I think you need to establish the abuse with more than just the 'eggs'. I'm interested to see where this goes! Good job!  |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Thanks for the critique, Sharon! I thought that the abuse would be evidant in her entire persona, the fact that her life is based on her fear of him, but I guess it should be more clear. Thanks! Oh, make me Thine forever |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I think you made the point clearly that a spouse starts to dread going home if the welcome home is going to be criticism, verses acceptance and appreciation....James |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Erica, Such an emotional topic. I worked with a few abused women when I did social work. It was unbelievably draining. Just when it appeared that they had broken free they would go back. It was the only part of social work that I was unable to deal with. I'm sure PdV is right though I would not be able to read it then. You write well. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Thanks James and Larry, thanks to everyone, you all rock my world! It is an emotional topic, and I love the challenge of it. It's kinda funny, when I was single, I mostly wrote about happy couples.. now that i'm in a happy couple, I write about things like this. It's more challenging. I also really only write things that I want to touch and move people.. so the fact that so many of you were so moved really is satisfying. Thank you. Oh, make me Thine forever And should I fainting be Lord, let me never ever Outlive my love for Thee |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
See! Now I'm all choked up.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Allright! I confess to being a brat. Erica, I know what you mean about the rewards of writing. And I do respect both you and you're writing. I just couldn't help myself. Sorry.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Larry, thank you so much... it means a lot to me that you enjoy my writing, and I enjoy yours a lot too! Oh, make me Thine forever |
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