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Cool Universe XIX
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Cool Universe XIX |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Cool Universe by mirror man Chapter 19 Then it was Christmas Eve. Christmas at Abnorman’s house wasn’t the kind of Christmas most dudes associated with Christmas. For one thing, they weren’t a religiously Cool Family Group. It made them nearly unique in an age when almost all other Cool Family Groups were still going to church at least at Christmas and Easter. Thus where a religiously Cool Family Group might go to church and then break or bend a few admonitions and commandments, creating, in effect, their own Cool religion, Abnorman’s Cool Family Group hardly ever went to church, so they had no religion to coolify. It had the advantage of relieving a lot of religious guilt, by cutting it off at the source, but the disadvantage of leaving the door open for a lot of heathen guilt. It also had the disadvantage of creating a lot of ignorance. Where a religiously Cool Family Group might squabble over the true meaning of Christmas, Abnorman’s Family Group had no such discussion because, as far as they were concerned, it was Christmas because...well...because it was Christmas. There was the tree, for crying out loud. Sheez. It also said so in the Big Book of Cool Family Tradition. As for Santa, well, he was a heathen too. And just as cool. Because Santa Dude didn’t bring gifts to Abnorman’s house, Santa Scrooge did. And Santa Scrooge wasn’t fat and jolly, he was skinny and mean. And he wasn’t an elf who spent his spare time making toys, he was a tax accountant who had a firm down on 2nd St. The only reason he gave anyone anything was because he could deduct it from his taxes. Abnorman knew this because Daddyo said so. “Hey Daddyo,” Too Cool said happily, pulling Abnorman into the front room. “You gotta hear this. Ha, ha.” Daddyo was putting up the Christmas tree. “Ouch!” he said, and “Lousy tree!” and so on. He was tying a wire to the middle of its trunk, and Maximum Cool was helping. After they tied the wire around its trunk, Daddyo would tie the other end of the wire to an eye screw in the wall so the tree wouldn’t fall over. He had just bought it that day from Grampa Guido’s Used Tree Lot for half price, and he and Maximum Cool would spend the rest of the day putting it up and stringing the lights, complaining all the time about how much it cost and what a pain it was. They went through this every year. After Daddyo and Maximum Cool finished putting up the tree, everybody else would put on the ornaments and tinsel, complaining about what a drag it was. Daddyo complained about the price of ornaments and tinsel also, but not so much, because these were saved each year, stowed away in boxes in the attic. They had ornaments that Gramma and Grampa brought over on the boat during the Early Cool Era, which would have made them antiques, except that they were plastic and nobody could explain how they were three hundred years old and plastic. The tinsel was tied in little bundles with rags, and it was wrinkled and broken and the strands would stick together and knot, making that a chore also. The tinsel would have been antique too, Abnorman supposed, but whoever heard of antique tinsel? Thus, everyone got to complain in their own uniquely cool or uncool way, making Christmas in his house a time of mutual misery. It was one of the few times when Abnorman actually felt like they were a family. “Go away,” said Daddyo. “I’m busy.” “But Daddyo,” said Too Cool. “You gotta hear this. This is good.” “What is it?” Daddyo said. “It’s Abnorman,” said Too Cool. “He still believes in Santa Dude. Ha, ha.” Daddyo stopped and looked at Abnorman. “You believe in Santa Dude?” he said. “Maybe,” said Abnorman. “Ha, ha!” said Too Cool. “Hahaha! You believe that?” “So maybe I do,” Abnorman said defensively. “So what’s wrong with that?” “What’s wrong with it?!” said Too Cool. “It’s stupid, that’s what’s wrong with it.” “Now wait a minute,” said Daddyo. “If Abnorman here wants to believe in a fat guy dressed in red tights flying around in a sleigh, squeezing down chimneys at night and bringing toys to all the little kiddies everywhere...well, ha ha, I guess he can.” “Ha, ha,” said Too Cool. “Okay,” said Abnorman, “so what’s wrong with that? Maybe he just likes what he does. And anyway, he doesn’t wear tights, he wears a sleighing suit.” “What’s a sleighing suit?” said Daddyo. “Well...uh...it’s a suit you wear when you go sleighing,” said Abnorman. “Ha, ha!” said Too Cool. “He doesn’t even know what Santa Dude wears. What a dope.” “I know he’s big,” said Abnorman, “and happy.” “Well, if he’s big,” said Daddyo, “then how’s he squeeze down the chimney?” “I don’t know,” said Abnorman. “I just know he does.” “Well if he does,” said Daddyo, “then how’s he get in here? We don’t have a chimney.” Abnorman looked around. Daddyo was right. Not only didn’t they have a chimney, they didn’t even have one of those fake fireplaces with the lighted logs. “I don’t know,” said Abnorman. “Maybe he chops a hole in the roof. He used to be a firedude, you know.” Daddyo thought about this, looked up at the ceiling, and said, “He better not.” “Santa Dude wasn’t no firedude,” said Too Cool. “You just made that up.” “Did not,” said Abnorman. “Cousin Jesus said so.” “He’s Jewish,” said Too Cool. “What would he know about Christmas?” “I don’t know,” said Abnorman. “Ask him. Anyway, if we leave the back door open for Santa Dude, he won’t chop a hole in the roof.” “I’m not leaving the back door open at night,” said Daddyo. “I’ll wait up for him,” said Abnorman. “Santa Dude ain’t coming,” said Too Cool. “He ain’t for real, you block head. You might just as well wait up for Mr. Twiddly.” “Mr. Twiddly ain’t real?” said Abnorman. “No,” said Too Cool. “So how do you know so much?” Abnorman said to Too Cool. “Santa Dude isn’t coming this year, anyway,” said Daddyo. “I talked with my tax accountant, Scrooge and Sons on 2nd St., and it’s all figured out. Every gift is tax deductible. So is the tree. So are all the ornaments and lights, and all the electricity to run it. Everything is tax deductible this year. Even you.” “Me!” said Abnorman. Then, “I’m tax deductible?” “Sure,” said Daddyo. “Every thing and every one is tax deductible. Everything’s worked out to the last penny, and I don’t want some weird, do-gooder elf coming in at the last minute and giving you stuff I can’t deduct.” Maximum Cool, who had been stringing lights on the tree and listening to all this, stopped and walked over to hear better. “But I’m your male dude pseudo-progeny/offspring/descendent/dependent,” said Abnorman. “How can it hurt you if Santa Dude gives me a gift?” “You are not my male dude pseudo-progeny/offspring/descendent/dependent,” said Daddyo. “I’m not?” “No,” said Daddyo. “Your name is Manuel Gonzalez, and you’re a San Sierra del Guanoan orphan with tuberculosis.” “I am?’ said Abnorman. Everybody looked at Abnorman. It was the first time they had seen an orphan with tuberculosis from San Sierra del Guano. “That’s right,” said Daddyo. “Hahahaha!” said Too Cool. “Hahahaha! That’s rich. Manuel Gonzalez from San Sierra del Guano. Hahahahaha!” “And Too Cool isn’t your fraternal Other Dude,” said Daddyo. “I’m not?” said Too Cool. “No,” said Daddyo. “Your name is Chin Ho, you’re a Chinese beggar, and you live in Hong Kong.” “I am?” said Too Cool. Everybody looked at Too Cool. It was the first time they had seen a Chinese beggar from Hong Kong. “That’s right,” said Daddyo. “Wow,” said Abnorman. “And Maximum Cool isn’t your taller Other Dude,” said Daddyo. “I’m not?” said Maximum Cool. “No,” said Daddyo. “Your name is Hadji and Agnes, and you’re Siamese twins and you live in a hole in the ground in Calcutta.” Everybody looked at Maximum Cool. It was the first time they had seen a real live Siamese twin. Chinese beggars and Guanoan orphans aside, this was something else. “Wow,” said Abnorman and Too Cool. “So you can all just forget about getting anything from Santa Dude this year,” said Daddyo. “He’s not deductible.” Abnorman thought about this and said, “So who’s Mama Cool?” “Mama Cool, of course,” said Daddyo. “And who are you?” said Abnorman. “Daddyo,” he said impatiently. “Who else would go to all this trouble to help out San Sierra del Guanoan orphans, Chinese beggars, and Siamese twins around the universe?” They had no answer to this, so Abnorman, Manuel Gonzalez, Too Cool, Chin Ho, Maximum Cool, Hadji and Agnes all walked away in silence to contemplate their situation. At supper, they were given lessons in Spanish, Chinese, and Siamese, respectively, and then they were given their green cards. Maximum Cool looked at his. “What’s this for?” he said. “In case anyone asks questions,” said Daddyo. “What kind of questions?” said Too Cool. “Your name, what you’re doing here, how long you’re going to stay, that sort of thing,” said Daddyo. “Can’t we just tell them?” said Abnorman. “No,” said Daddyo to Abnorman. “Your coolish is lousy, see? So you just hand them your green card every time they say something.” “But my coolish is good,” said Abnorman. “In fact, my coolish is great. My coolish couldn’t be better, even, that’s how great my coolish is.” “No, it’s not,” said Daddyo. “But---” “Just do it!” said Daddyo. “Ohhhhh...Okay!” said Abnorman. “And don’t say okay,” said Daddyo. “Say si.” “Si?” “Si,” said Daddyo. “Okay,” said Abnorman. “Say si! Si!” “Si!” said Abnorman. “Sheez.” There was a moment of silence in which Daddyo frowned at Abnorman in exasperation, and then Daddyo said, “You’re really something else, you know that? Getting you to do anything is like pulling teeth. Why can’t you be like Maximum Cool here? He’s already learned how to say hello in Siamese.” Everyone looked at Maximum Cool. “Well, sort of,” said Maximum Cool. “Go on,” said Daddyo. “Tell ‘em what I taught you.” “Well, okay,” said Maximum Cool reluctantly. He looked up at the ceiling, crossed his arms, and said, “Hey, good looking G.I. Five bucks, me love you big time. Find out.” Nobody said anything for about ten seconds, and then Too Cool said, “That’s Siamese?” “Yeah,” said Daddyo. “It doesn’t sound right,” said Maximum Cool. “Work on it,” said Daddyo. Then Too Cool whined, “What about me? I don’t know a word of Chinese.” “Just hand ‘em your green card,” said Daddyo. “Hand who our green card?” said Abnorman. “Whoever asks,” said Daddyo. “Asks what?” said Abnorman. “Where’s your green card?” said Daddyo. Everybody handed Daddyo their green cards. “What’s this?” said Daddyo. “That’s our green cards,” said Abnorman. “Si?” Daddyo handed all the green cards back and said, “Nice try,” and he went back to putting up the tree. Later that night, when they were alone, Too Cool pulled Maximum Cool and Abnorman aside and said, “It’s not fair.” “What’s not fair?” said Abnorman. “Why do I gotta be Chin Ho in Hong Kong?” he said between pouts. “Why can’t I be John D. Rockefeller, Jr., and live in a penthouse in New York City? Why do I gotta be some poor beggar kid in a Hong Kong hovel?” “Because Daddyo can’t deduct charity to John D. Rockefeller,” said Maximum Cool. “And anyway, Hong Kong’s not such a bad place.” “Yeah?” said Too Cool. “Yeah,” said Maximum Cool. “Dudes go there for vacation all the time. It can’t be that bad.” “That’s not what I heard,” said Too Cool. “I heard that’s where they keep that big gorilla.” “What gorilla?” said Maximum Cool. “That big gorilla,” said Too Cool. “I saw it on TV. They keep him behind a big wall, and every once in a while they pick out somebody they don’t like and tie him to a post. Then the big gorilla comes along and eats him.” “They do?” said Abnorman. “You bet,” said Too Cool. “And who do you suppose they’ll pick out for his next lunch?” He pointed to himself. “They wouldn’t do that,” said Maximum Cool. “Wanna trade?” said Too Cool. “Nnnnnn...no,” said Maximum Cool. “See?” said Too Cool. “It’s true. I’m telling you, the more I think about this, the more it looks like a set up.” “A set up?” said Abnorman. “Yeah,” said Too Cool. “Daddyo changes our names, see, and then he tells us we’re somebody else, and then he gives us green cards that say we’re however he says we are so he can deduct our gifts on his taxes, and then he calls the Green Card Guys who come in and ship us off to Shanghai, and he deducts us too.” “Daddyo wouldn’t do that,” said Maximum Cool. “Anyway, it’s Hong Kong.” “Wherever,” said Too Cool. And then he started to sweat. “We gotta do something,” he said. “I don’t know what, but we gotta do something.” “What?” said Abnorman. “I don’t know,” he said. “We gotta get help.” “Who’s gonna help us?” said Abnorman. “We’re just a bunch of third world orphans.” “Are not!” said Too Cool. “I’m Too Cool, you’re Abnorman, and you’re Maximum Cool.” “Oh, yeah, I forgot,” said Abnorman. “Now, what we gotta do is figure out who it is would help us. Got any ideas?” Abnorman thought for a second and said, “Super Righteous Dude.” “Super Righteous Dude!” said Too Cool. “Super Righteous Dude ain’t real. Get real.” “Super Righteous Dude ain’t real?” said Abnorman. “No,” said Too Cool. “Okay,” said Abnorman. “How about Dudeham Lincoln?” “He’s dead,” said Maximum Cool. “Matt Dillon,” said Abnorman. “Get real,” said Too Cool. “Matt Dillon ain’t real?” said Abnorman. “Right,” said Too Cool. “Okay,” said Abnorman. “Willard Fillmore.” “Who’s that?” said Too Cool. “That’s Millard Fillmore,” said Maximum Cool, “and he’s dead too.” “Both of ‘em?” said Too Cool. “How about Mr. Twiddly?” said Abnorman. “No,” said Too Cool. “Captain Happy.” “No.” Then suddenly, it came to both of them at once: “Dr. Nutz!” “This is crazy,” said Maximum Cool. “You’re going to ask Dr. Nutz for help?” Dr. Nutz, as everyone who was even slightly cool knew, was the host of the famous local Friday Creature Feature. It was a TV show where Dr. Nutz would play all the terrible old horror movies that everyone forgot were so horrible, and in between commercials and the movie, he would talk to the audience about the movie or read fan letters. If he liked your letter, he’d send you a free box of toe nail dirt or nose hair, and if he didn’t like your letter he’d flush it down the toilet. It was ultimate cool. Everyone watched Dr. Nutz. “He’s nuts,” said Maximum Cool. But Too Cool and Abnorman didn’t think they were crazy, so they ran to the phone and called Dr. Nutz. Unfortunately, Dr. Nutz wasn’t in at the time. However, they did get a recorded message: “Hello, you have reached the end of the line. Ha, ha! This is Dr. Nutz. I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m off on vacation to sunny Shanghai---” “That’s Hong Kong,” said Too Cool. “Oh, no,” said Dr. Nutz. “That’s where they keep that big gorilla.” “SEE? What’d I tell you,” said Too Cool to Maximum Cool. “Where was I?” said Dr. Nutz. “Oh, yeah. I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m off on vacation to sunny Shanghai. However, if you leave your name and address at the tone, I will send you a free sample of toe dirt or nose hair---” “We don’t need nose hair,” said Too Cool. “We need help.” “This is a recorded message,” said Dr. Nutz. “Beep! Whirr! If this is a gift for that special someone, I also have my new line of Dr. Nutz’ Holiday Ear Wax Candles---” “Oh, come on, Dr. Nutz,” said Too Cool. “We know it’s you.” “I’m not here!” yelled Dr. Nutz. “I’m off on vacation---” “Please,” said Too Cool. “We need help.” “You need help!” said Dr. Nutz indignantly. “I’m the one who needs help.” “You need help?” said Too Cool. “Why do you need help?” “I can’t tell you,” said Dr. Nutz. “Why not?” said Too Cool. “I can’t tell you that either,” said Dr. Nutz. “He needs help alright,” said Maximum Cool. “Why do you need help?” said Dr. Nutz. “Our Daddyo’s gonna send us off to Hong Kong,” said Too Cool. “And Calcutta,” said Maximum Cool. “And San Sierra del Guano,” said Abnorman. “Why?” said Dr. Nutz. “For tax credits,” said Maximum Cool. “He can do that?” said Dr. Nutz. “I guess so,” said Too Cool. “He’s doing it.” “Thanks kid,” said Dr. Nutz. “I’ll have to remember that. Let’s see. Where was I? Oh, yeah. If this is a gift to that special---” “Don’t start that again,” said Too Cool. “Okay, okay,” said Dr. Nutz. “But I can’t talk long. They’re everywhere.” “Who is?” said Too Cool. “Them,” whispered Dr. Nutz. Too Cool, Maximum Cool, and Abnorman all looked at each other and said, “Who?” “Okay, okay,” said Dr. Nutz. “I’ll give you a hint. They’re taking over the universe.” “How?” said Too Cool. “Okay, okay,” said Dr. Nutz. “I’ll give you a hint. They’re crazy.” Suddenly, there was a sound in the background, and someone said, “I heard that!” “What?!” said Dr. Nutz. “I heard what you said!” said someone in the background. “I didn’t say anything!” yelled Dr. Nutz. “Yes you did!” said someone in the background. “No! No!” yelled Dr. Nutz, and then “Yaaa!” and there was a loud crash and “Mmmmph!” and then silence. Everyone waited, and then a strange voice said over the phone, “Hello?” “Hello,” said Too Cool. “We want to speak to Dr. Nutz.” “This is Dr. Nutz,” said the strange voice. “Are not,” said Too Cool. “Of course I am,” said the strange voice. “If you’ll just leave your name and address---” “Is Dr. Nutz crazy?” said Abnorman. “Of course,” said the strange voice. “he’s...I mean, I’m---” “Hang up!” said Abnorman, and before Too Cool could stop him, Abnorman grabbed the phone and slammed the receiver down. “Hey!” said Too Cool. “Why’d you do that?” “It was Them,” said Abnorman mysteriously. “Them who?” said Too Cool. “Them,” said Abnorman with sudden comprehension. “And they got Dr. Nutz!” There was a moment of silence in which Abnorman and Too Cool stared at each other, and then Maximum Cool said, “Ah, you’re both nuts. And so is Dr. Nutz. Daddyo’s not going to send us away. It’s just some kind of tax dodge. And there isn’t any Them, and they aren’t taking over the universe. I got stuff to do.” And he left. Then Too Cool looked at Abnorman sheepishly and said, “Yeah, it does sound kinda nuts.” “But Dr. Nutz said so,” said Abnorman. “That’s what I mean,” said Too Cool. And he left too. But Abnorman wasn’t so sure. He spent the rest of the day wondering who “Them” were and then slowly forgot about it in his excitement over Christmas. Meanwhile, up in space: Kulaat and Grope watched it all on their space tube, and Kulaat was not pleased. “What’s this Manuel and Chin Ho and Hadji stuff?” said Kulaat. Grope blinked once, meaning I don’t know. “Well, it’s not right,” said Kulaat. “It’s Christmas. They ought to be enjoying Christmas.” Grope blinked twice, meaning Maybe they like being miserable. “I don’t think so,” said Kulaat finally. Grope blinked three times, meaning What shall we do? “I think they need a dose of Niceness,” said Kulaat. Grope blinked four times, meaning You don’t mean! “Yes,” said Kulaat with authority. “Ready the Nice Ray.” Grope blinked five times, meaning The Nice Ray! “Yes,” said Kulaat. “The Nice Ray.” Grope blinked six times, meaning But that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. “Yes,” said Kulaat. “I think this qualifies.” Grope blinked seven times, meaning Very well. He pushed some buttons, pulled some levers, turned knobs, pushed more buttons, and then blinked eight times, meaning All is ready. “Very well,” said Kulaat. “Set it for Level Eight.” Grope blinked nine times, meaning Level Eight! “Yes,” said Kulaat. “And quit blinking so much. It’s distracting.” Grope blinked ten times, meaning Okay, I won’t blink so much. “Ready,” said Kulaat. Grope blinked Ready. “Aim,” said Kulaat. Grope blinked Aimed. “Fire!” yelled Kulaat. And Grope pushed the button of the Nice Ray, and a blinding flash of Niceness lanced down to Planet Cool, covering everything Cool. It was their last ray of hope. copyright 1998, 2000 Author’s note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental. [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-30-2003 04:09 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 mirror man - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
To anyone reading this: Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Special note to teachers, educators: This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study. -- mirror man |
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