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Triumph
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Triumph |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
On thing before you read: Sere is pronounced "SerEE" "Stars." Sere's voice trumpetted into the thick night of Ian's wandering mind. "Pardon?" He asked. "Look at the stars," Sere said. "Aren't they beautiful?" Ian and Sere had known each other since childhood. They both played on the highschool soccer team. "Yes," Ian said. He was at a loss for words. He never really could carry on a good conversation while staring at the sky so beautiful. Commander Christopher Michaelson watched the tactical display intently. The enemy was falling right into his hands, quite contrary to what his fellow advisors had told him. "Sir, we have the target in range," Lt. Phelps reported. Michaelson looked about the tactics room. Everyone watched him intently, as though he were some perverted magician from Hell. Michaelson paused, like a lion looking over her kill. "Take em down." Was that a slight tinge of triumphant emotion in his voice? Ian and Sere watched as the aurara Borealis unfolded above them. For the first time, Ian reached for her hand. She accepted it gladly. She'd wanted so much for him to return her subtle love. Sere turned and they embraced each other. She saw his face slowly approaching to kiss her, and then nothing. All plunged into darkness, and the war continued, minus 2 million people. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Fractal - I think this is an interesting idea with a good line there at the end. However, from my point of view, I don't think you did it justice at all. This is less even than the sketch of an plot. You've given us a few lines that might as well have been taken from a napkin in a restaurant (where I pen some of my ideas... gotta take em where ya find em). Hopefully I'm not coming off as harsh. I wouldn't put this much effort into "criticizing" it if I didn't think that the idea at least, was attractive. Play with it, expand it. You're only limitations in this media are yourself and the words needed to tell the story. I don't think you told it here, rather I feell like you just threw enough at us to make us wonder. Give us more, then repost it! Christopher |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hm. No problem with the harshness. I agree with you about the shortness. It was meant to be a bit of a scene. However, I did just write it off the cuff. It's based on some of the story ideas I've been coming up with lately. I would expand it a little, however its a component of a story which spans 10 years. I do not think I will try to post from that world again, lol. It is a little too big for me to make posts here about. Although I might post some of its ancient literature here, like mythology and the such. That might work out a little better. I apologize if I'm sounding a little bit overcritical of myself. I just floated this to see how it would do. I would be happy to hear what others think as well. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Very short and too the point, but I liked it. Defenitely throws a little bit of humanity into the idea of war, something that can sometimes be lost in the modern era when you can kill someone without haveing to look them in the eye first. Well done. Keith every day is a new day with which we can change the world |
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