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¤Moon Storm¤
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¤Moon Storm¤ |
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Swamp¤Faeryie Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 393fairyland....of course;) |
Pyschodelic weather maps appear on my tv screen. Flickering phosphorus and crimson clouds travel over the midwest....we might be in for a real storm.This is the spring of the year,this is the season of fertility and destruction.Something like the flowers of evil....The rain brings life,and the wild wind rips it from the earth. Where i live,we have at least one tornado visitor every year,it's been that way since i was a child. I used to look forward to spring storms every year,hoping one of those storms might blow down the sky for me.My hands were always reaching for the sky,and pigtails hanging to hell,if i ever beleived in it....I remember sitting on the steps,watching warty clouds gather overhead,expecting the sky to fall,"if only" i prayed "it would fall far enough!!". I wished it would,even though i wondered if bad things would happen,should the sky fall?But i didn't care really,i just wanted the sky to lower so i might finally touch the face of the moon. Well the sky never fell,and even though i've grown a few feet since then,i still can't seem to reach the moon and stars,oh well. Maybe this time?For now i'll just be content with catching her tears and cradling them. Do i contradict myself?Very well i contradict myself.I contain multitudes.~walt whitman |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
Wonderful story. touching the moon is something i've dreamed about so much. i loved the ending. nicely done. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other course, no other way... No day but today" ~Broadway Musical RENT~ *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Swamp Faeryie, Hi there. I really liked this. I thought it was well written - poetic, emotional and descriptive. I've actually never thought of touching the moon, but it's a neat and imaginative idea. One criticism: I would suggest working on some of the punctuation (and I think two words are spelled wrong). Hope you don't mind me taking liberties, but you said you'd enjoy being enlightened and I didn't know how else to demonstrate what I meant. The main thing you did often was use a comma instead of a period, something a lot of people do, but that distracts me, because I start focusing on punctuation. Also, I took out the "..." because I think it's overused and the same effect can usually be achieved by starting a new paragraph. Here are my ideas, with explanations in square brackets. I hope you find them helpful. Let me know if you have questions. Thanks for the read in any case! =) Psychadelic weather maps appear on my tv screen. Flickering phosphorous and crimson clouds travel over the midwest. We might be in for a real storm. This is the spring of the year, this is the season of fertility and destruction. Something like the flowers of evil. [ Maybe reword the previous sentence. I don't know that I understand it. ] The rain brings life, and the wild wind rips it from the earth. Where I live, we have at least one tornado visitor every year; it's been that way since I was a child. [ The previous sentence can't have a comma in it because those are two separate thoughts. You could use a period, but I put a semi-colon because the thoughts are related.] I used to look forward to spring storms every year, hoping one of those storms might blow down the sky for me. My hands were always reaching for the sky, my [this makes it seem more symmetrical here] pigtails hanging to hell, if I ever beleived in it. [This is an entirely new point, so I put in a paragraph break.] I remember sitting on the steps, watching warty clouds gather overhead, expecting the sky to fall. [Same comma thing here.] If only, I prayed, [You need commas here but you don't really need the quotation marks because you're paraphrasing] it would fall far enough! I wished it would, even though I wondered if bad things would happen should the sky fall? [This should be a period, but I would suggest saying "if it did" instead because we already know what you're talking about.] But I didn't care, really. [Really is an interjection, so you need a comma] I just wanted the sky to lower so I might finally [be able to] touch the face of the moon. Well, [Interjection again.] the sky never fell, and even though I've grown a few feet since then, I still can't seem to reach the moon and stars. Oh well. Maybe this time. [Period again instead of question mark. Or take it out entirely because you're resigning yourself to doing the following.] For now I'll just be content with catching her [If you mean the moon, you should say only the moon in the sentence previous. Otherwise, you're referring to "the moon and stars" as her.] tears and cradling them. |
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Swamp¤Faeryie Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 393fairyland....of course;) |
ooooh this critique stuff is pretty cool....thanks alot!! I will try to remember your pointers,thank you thank you thank you!!  sammo |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Well, you're very welcome! I'm glad I could help! =) |
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