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Siddharthian Travels
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Siddharthian Travels |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Siddharthian Travels There used to be a river we would visit in the days before you found something more and chose to move on. The one that began high in the slumbering peaks to the west and drained out into the endless ocean somewhere east of the sandy Carolina shores we always said we'd visit one day. But in those grassy plains where we roamed for so many years, it was simply one more winding country road that never went anywhere, but at the same time, always ended up somewhere. I remember the day we built a raft like two lonely Twainian characters searching for freedom and then ended up floating past the pyramids of our very own Cairo. That night we camped out next to the river and tried to listen to it's Nirvana preachings, but never heard anything more than the pain of the cities it crossed through to reach us. I fell asleep to the Buddha songs of the nightingale that evening, but you must've heard something more. You always did here more than me. Maybe that's why I wasn't surprised the next morning when I woke up and you were gone. The only things you'd left behind for me were an empty sleeping bag and a set of soft footprints, headed north, imprinted in the moist morning ground. They were seemingly in search of something you couldn't find along these shores. Vasudeva's river has grown soiled and worthless, and you have left it behind. I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ryan: I think you may have gone over a few heads with this one.  I suspect many of your references are to the story of Siddhartha's (Buddha's) search for enlightenment and his eventual success when he heard the sacred "ohm" spoken by a river. (Hermann Hesse's version maybe?).The first two lines read almost musically and then the following lines take on a sporadic meter. I like the feel of those first two lines and would have liked to see some continuation of that rhythm. Just my opinion, though. I have no problems whatsoever with the story line. The last several lines, picking up where the speaker remembers waking up to notice his friend had gone, leaving his empty sleeping bag, left me with an odd thought. Perhaps the speaker mistakenly assumed his friend could hear more than he could. Perhaps Vesadeva's River had not become "soiled and worthless" but, rather, the friend set out on a journey similar to that of Siddhartha's in his [Siddhartha's] early life. Just a thought. (I hope the friend didn't try to find enlightenment with the Sikh's ). Thanks for the good, thoughtful read, Ryan. I appreciated it. P.S. I think "Like lonely Tom and Huck" might work better than "Twainian". Just didn't sound right to me. Maybe it seemed unnecessarily obscure. Just a thought.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-21-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey there Ryan, How ya doing? "There used to be a river we would visit in the days before you found something more and chose to move on." Great few opening lines, gave a warm "better days" feel to this poem. One suggestion however, is that you consider ending the third line with "more" instead of starting the fourth line with it. Personally I didn't like the pause mid-thought. "The one that began high in the slumbering peaks to the west and drained out into the endless ocean somewhere east of the sandy Carolina shores we always said we'd visit one day." Another great grouping of lines. Once again though, I will suggest line changes. Consider making the last two lines one and finish the thought as a whole. Or perhaps end the second last line with "said". Dunno, just thought the ending of this section seemed "klunky". "But in those grassy plains where we roamed for so many years, it was simply one more winding country road that never went anywhere, but at the same time, always ended up somewhere." Liked the beginning of this section but the ending of it seemed "off", I think it was the lack of impact of "anywhere" and "somewhere", perhaps try to be more profound with this paradox and at the same time remain humble with it as well, did that make any sense. "I remember the day we built a raft like two lonely Twainian" I'm all for messing with words and such but I think "Twain" would fit just fine....even though I hate references this one seemed to slip by easily without making mild manner Dr. Bruce Banner a green raging HULK. "characters searching for freedom and then ended up floating past the pyramids of our very own Cairo." I dunno about this section. I know it fits the second half of the story but it just seemed out of place. "That night we camped out next to the river and tried to listen to it's Nirvana preachings, but never heard anything more than the pain of the cities it crossed through to reach us." I liked this section though I felt the last few lines could have been worded to make it a little "smoother". "I fell asleep to the Buddha songs of the nightingale that evening, but you must've heard something more." I know the "Buddha" fits with the theme here but it still "felt" out of place. I really liked the idea of your friend hearing something more. "You always did here more than me. Maybe that's why I wasn't surprised the next morning when I woke up and you were gone." Consider condensing it a bit, maybe something like: "You always did hear more, maybe that's why I wasn't surprised when I woke up and you were gone." Just an idea.... "The only things you'd left behind for me were an empty sleeping bag and a set of soft footprints, headed north, imprinted in the moist morning ground." Thought this section could have been condensed as well, maybe something like: "The only things you'd left behind were an empty sleeping bag and soft footprints, heading north, imprinted in the moist morning ground." Once again, just an idea. "They were seemingly in search of something you couldn't find along these shores." Personally I would have liked to have seen the end of the poem here. This to me said it all and wrapped up the meaning of the poem. "Vasudeva's river has grown soiled and worthless, and you have left it behind." This seemed like an unnecessary afterthought. All in all you've written a good poem with a really nice theme. Perhaps a few turns of a wrench are needed but either way I enjoyed it a lot...especially the part that I thought you should've ended it with. Anyways, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
ryan: awesome... i love it... of course, i also am a huge fan of hesse's sidhartha (not to mention kerouac... On The Road is my favorite novel)... but even detached from all of that, this is a very good poem... i hope i get to read more of your work on here soon... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Ryan, I really enjoyed reading this. It seemed to be a search for Nirvana though it had a very American feel to it. I could almost sense the return to that time (in no way distant) when I was continuosly searching for some deeper truth; some meaning in the world. But eventually we all allow those unknowable questions to drift to the back burner in search of "something more". Beautiful sentiment, wonderful poem. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Thanks everyone for responding. I appreciate the feedback. jb: Yeah, most of my references are to Hesse's story. You bring up an interesting point about the ending. After reading through the poem again, I can see how that would work. My original intentions were for the river to represent a river like that which Siddhartha found enlightenment near. However, the friend in my poem, isn't able to do that. There is too much pain in the river from the cities it has passed through. So, to him, it has become "soiled and worthless." Still, I like your idea though, that the narrator doesn't know his friend as well as he thinks he does. Thanks for the input. Trevor: Hey Trevor, I'm doing fine. How about you? Thanks for the ideas. I'll go back and use them to make some changes. I do think I'm gonna keep the last three lines though. They serve, in my mind, as an overall explanation of why the events happened. They help show why he left the river, why he couldn't find what he wanted, etc. It also completes the symbolism (aghhh, I've always hated symbolism and now I'm using it?? *grins*) between the river in the poem and the river in Hesse's story beside which Siddhartha finds enlightenment. I called it Vasudeva's River for two reasons. One, and most importantly, I couldn't find the name of the river anywhere in the book, and two, Vasudeva is the name of the ferryman across this river. He is also the person who most helps Siddhartha find enlightenment. Still, thanks for your input. Hope I didn't make Hulk too mad. *grins* Jerome: Glad you liked it. And "On the Road" is one of my favorites too. Kerouac just has a way with writing books. J.L.: Thanks for the compliments. And that's an interesting idea about letting "those unknowable questions to drift to the back burner." Maybe that's why the friend left. When I originally wrote this, I didn't have a concrete idea in my mind on why the friend left. I like leaving things open like that. I'm liking all the different ideas I'm getting. Thanks again to everyone. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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