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His Fates Path
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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His Fates Path |
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Jared New Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 1 |
His Fates Path How many times can fate be chanced the dice be rolled. Never sought and rarely taken. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. Shocked and dismayed at how he left his mortal mold. Love him now, he lives no longer, his earthly bonds forsaken. How many times can fate be chanced the dice be rolled. His life lived short, our friend found his way from the cold. The tales of the times we shared, far from forgoten and never shaken. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. Together now we mourn the loss of a soul to evil never sold. May his memories never fall mistaken. How many times can fate be chanced, the dice be rolled. Gathered in respect, we give praise to a heart of gold. From a soul tapped as a source of inspiration, our love was taken. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. On this friend who never found his righteous path, his legacy comes to fold. Love him now, love him forever, for eternity his spirit runs untaken. How many times can fate be chanced, the dice be rolled. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. [This message has been edited by Jared (edited 01-17-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jared - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello and welcome to CA, I liked the theme you were trying to convey but I thought the poem itself was muddled a bit. I think it was the repetition of lines. Perhaps consider shortening the number of times you repeat yourself and combine some of the stanzas, ie. "How many times can fate be chanced the dice be rolled. Never sought and rarely taken. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. Shocked and dismayed at how he left his mortal mold. Love him now, he lives no longer, his earthly bonds forsaken. His life lived short, our friend found his way from the cold. The tales of the times we shared, far from forgoten and never shaken. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. Together now we mourn the loss of a soul to evil never sold. May his memories never fall mistaken. Gathered in respect, we give praise to a heart of gold. From a soul tapped as a source of inspiration, our love was taken. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold. On this friend who never found his righteous path, his legacy comes to fold. Love him now, love him forever, for eternity his spirit runs untaken. How many times can fate be chanced, the dice be rolled. Is there no path of least resistance for the bold." Dunno, just a thought, personally I found the frequency of repetition too distracting. Perhaps if you decide to change the style a bit you might have to tighten the meter as well. What I got from the message of the poem was that it was about a kind person who lived their life in a good manner despite the situation at hand and ended up paying with his life because of that very fact....a modern day martyr type of thing. Anyways thanks for the read. One last thing, since you are new here I will offer a suggestion. Take the time to read and critique other people's work and they will usually return the favour. Take care, Trevor |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jared: i love some of the lines of this poem, but i can't help but note that a few of them come directly from one of my favorite songs... you do a good job of basing your poem around them, but i'm sure that you could take the sentiments of the Dropkick Murphys and put them into your own poetic language... it's obvious that you have some talent (being able to write your own verses to compliment Rick Barton's & Ken Casey's) and i would love to see some of your original stuff... also, you might note that sing-songy writing doesn't always make the best poetry... as trevor noted, repetition in poems is not usually effective unless it is done strategically... welcome to the critical analysis forum and i hope to see more of your own work posted soon... sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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