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Critical Analysis #1
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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SnglDad Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 115Seattle area |
[This message has been edited by SnglDad (edited 01-15-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Bale me out here... what are IM's? Aside from that you have painted a very wide swath in a few lines. Necessarily that leaves impressions and feelings abound. Online / offline... love will find a way. So what are IM's? < !signature--> Kevin [This message has been edited by kevintaylor (edited 01-14-2000).] |
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SnglDad Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 115Seattle area |
IM`s are instant messages,you use them to chat with others on AOL,just like ICQ. Thank you for your input. [This message has been edited by SnglDad (edited 01-14-2000).] |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
sngldad: the sentiment is a beautiful one and one that i'm very familiar with (my girlfriend and i met online and have a solid and loving relationship despite the distance)... the only problems i see are slight technical problems... most of the poem has no obvious problems at all, but a few of the lines and rhymes seem forced... part of achieving a poetical effect is twisting sentences and phrases to give them rhythm, but if you make them too awkward then you destroy the effect... the first line could use some restructuring (from my point of view -- remember, i'm only one mind) because it sounds awkward and forced... perhaps something like "We met months ago on the internet"... also, i might suggest a revision of the 6th and 7th lines to something more like "Soon I found myself on my way,/ Flew thousands of miles to a place unknown"... in line 9, you might make it a little less awkward by eliminating "a mess was still" and replacing it with "catastrophe was"... finally, you might consider making "okay people I have learned" into something smoother like "this, my friends, is what I learned"... I hope you dont take offense at any of my suggestions, for they are only that -- suggestions... you take and leave whatever you want according to how you want your work to be... i hope that i've been of some help though  hope to read more of your work online soon... sincerely, **jerome the boy with no brain |
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SnglDad Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 115Seattle area |
No offense taken I like the input that everyone at AC has to offer. Thank you for your reply. Im still learning so I can always use some feed back. |
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