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Down by the creek
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Down by the creek |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Down by the creek where black crows nest You see a grey homestead in the west You feel the lonely silence speak While the moon is watching from the creek. Behind the window's crucifix A gas jet hisses bright With whitely burning tongue it licks The cold cheek of the night. And round and round the burning light With blindly beating wings A beetle glitters circles bright In awful golden rings. Smaller, closer, grow the rings Around the naked light. Sizzle, crackle, golden wings, Golden, still, and bright. Down by the creek where black crows nest You see a grey homestead in the west. You feel the lonely silence speak, And Christ is walking by the creek. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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| © Copyright 2000 John Foulstone - All Rights Reserved | |||
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
John- I get it! I get it! A little bit at a time. So, perhaps not the whole picture, but at least the part that rhymes! I see the first and last thingy match, in scheme, with the thingies inbetween alternating patern (makes me think abab, bcbc, cbcb...although this is probably not how you "say" it). Every piece I'm veiwing now is such a thrill to dig into. I'll start with structure and go from there! And by the way, I thought the following to be musically delicious: "with whitely burning tongue it licks the cold cheek of the night" Now I can share with you a verySHERRY compliment, JUAD, which is what this piece caused me to do! Enjoyed the lightbulbs this one helped set off!  Sherryoh...JUAD? Jump up and Down! |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Ok..this will officialy be my first attempt at actual critism, though you are by no means the first deserving, I just have been so enthralled by all the poetry, I have been a bit blind to form. Anyway...the last two lines of the third stanza seem to me to be a bit too descriptive (back to back adjectives I find are sometimes distracting,and "golden" twice in such close proximaty I think stands out) Other than that...this was wonderful...it painted a great picture for me and the meaning is as brilliant as it is elusive. Hawk |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
john-- a very intriguing piece! but i must confess i've read it about a dozen times now and simply don't understand it, lol. or maybe i'm trying too hard? are you saying we are all unworthy creatures (i.e., beetles) who can be transformed by the light of christ into something golden, still, and bright? i don't get the significance of the black crows' nest, unless it's to help draw a picture of the grey, dreary, beetle-like existence we live, until christ walks by our creek? (crows are actually pretty interesting birds, btw, lol, and they do eat beetles, no?) your meter seems a little rough in the opening and closing stanzas. i love the change in meter in the fourth stanza, to an emphasis on the first syllable (SMALLer, CLOSEr, etc.); very dramatic. am i way off base here? look forward to hearing from you on this one (even if you do continue to ignore my poem for you, "qantas", lol). thanks for a very interesting read! jenni |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
First, shamefaced, thank you jenni, though I don't know if I'm flying Qantas yet. And if I have overlooked any other wellwishers, thanks to you all. My only excuse is I'm a bit unhinged at the moment! And what does it all mean? First stanza, a simple picture of a peaceful country scene. Next three, a somewhat sketchy attempt to portray the mindless futility and ultimate doom of city life, the bright lights, so to speak. And finally, a re-stating of the theme of peace from the first. The Christ image merely to emphasize the mood, without any special religious significance. As a general rule, I'm fairly literal. If you find more, that's a bonus. Lastly, while the Tucson series is very here and now, some of these poems were written in my late teens, some thirty-five years ago. This one, and The Beach At Normandy (originally just called CHAPLAIN), are from that period. Over the years, a word has been changed here and there, but mostly the man is pretty happy with what the boy wrote. And thank you all! It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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