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A Child's Arena
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Child's Arena |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
She crept down silently, softly; Trying to keep out of sight. To the place they fought often; Where she watched lovers die each night. J.L.H. < !signature--> We all go a little mad sometimes... --Alfred Hitchcock [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
So much power, so few words. Nothing here to criticize. |
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Renee Junior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 18langhorne, PA 19047 |
Very good expression and emotion put in such a small amount of words. This is difficult to do, and you have accomplished it well here. Linda Renee |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I can't believe how very much you've said with just a few well-chosen words in a well constructed four line piece. Very well done! warmhrt |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Thank you all very much for the vote of confidence. When I first wrote the lines they seemed uncomplete, so went into my "untitled" section. Then the title added the needed clarity of thought. J.L.H.  We all go a little mad sometimes... --Alfred Hitchcock |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
This is great!!! I have often tried to express an idea with only a few lines, but I have never come close to the power you have created here. This one left me thinking... Hawk |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed reading this the first time around and, like everybody else here, I realize how difficult it is to write in this manner. However, the last line leaves a vague feeling for me; I don't really understand what you are trying to portray with 'passion die each night'. If they're fighting, that would be passionate, wouldn't it? You have such a superb build up to that final line, I would think about reworking just that part. Just an opinion, Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
j.l.-- very, very well done. very effective! i agree with brad, though, on "passion" in the last line, although i think he's being a little obtuse in saying he really doesn't understand what you're trying to say, lol. as i see it, it's the parents' relationship, their love, that is dying each night. really nice work here; in four short lines the reader has a complete picture of the frightened little girl, and the angry parents. nothing else matters. i was thinking about this piece when i was writing "post-modern romance" a few nights ago; you (and haze with her "ten windows") show us all the value of paring things down to their essence. thanks for the reminder! |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Thank you all for your compliments and comments. Brad and jenni if you'll notice I changed "passion" to "lovers"; before something is said about this choice think along these lines: If loving makes lovers, absence or termination of love kills them. Better? I think so. Thanks again for pointing the "passion" thing out. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
what about simply "love" in the last line? She crept down silently, softly; Trying to keep out of sight. To the place they often fought; Where she watched love die each night. just a suggestion. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
jenni, I thought about that one. In fact, trying to come up with another word was where I found "lovers". The thing about using "love" in this particular piece is that "love" is a vague and overused term in poetry. I wanted something that produced a clear and powerful image. The tragedy is that there was once love there; now constant beration is deteriorating the relationship. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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