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Interstate Musings
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Interstate Musings |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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While struggling up an Appalachian hill my ’83 Toyota 4x2’s 2-barrelled, aluminum blocked 2.2’s whirring complaint prompts my pedantic muse to yank my drumstick/pen, against my will, from tapping out my grand accompaniment to Santana’s riff. An ATM receipt serves as my parchment and a chewed up, black-inked, PaperMate, my quill. As I breathe deeply, my lungs take their fill of engine’s vaporous, gasoline effuse (I forgot to change that gasket). Static subdues Ricky Martin’s “Vida Loca” and what ensues (a petty pleasure, I admit) is an evil thrill at the yawning ravine’s grand accomplishment. Laughing, I thank God. The temperature gauge needles to the red and I crank the heat higher still. One last swallow of lukewarm coffee swill, I toss my polystyrene cup refuse to the floor just as the radio spews “…skin the color mocha…”. I pay my dues For being cruel to Ricky and start uphill to seek a culinary establishment to staunch my stomach’s growl. An epiphany! Dunkin’ Donuts appears above the hill! Flea banishes static with his base’s thews as the Red Hot Chili Peppers infuse my drumstick/pen with new power to bruise the steering wheel. I pull off to refill on caffeine and, in contented wonderment, proceed to savor life. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, I'm at a loss for words???  warmhrt |
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
JIM... you've got it! that incisive knack for describing with utmost immediacy all the grandure of a moment! challenging read - and has kept me coming back for another breath of that frame of life. i will have to search for your posts of past...thoroughly enjoyed (even though your rhyming scheme prevents it from being free-verse ).Sherry |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
jim- is this the free verse? i think it has a very lyrical quality to it, which i appreciate and admire. i want to give a more indepth opinion on this, but for right now, just know that i think it's excellent. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- hey, what did ricky martin ever do to you? you got something against dance music??  this is a very interesting piece; i really enjoyed it! especially "evil thrill at the yawning ravine’s grand accomplishment;" an inspired line. a few criticisms, of course... i'd take another look at the first stanza. the sentence, in essence, is "while struggling uphill, my engine [or whatever a "4x2's 2-barrelled aluminum blocked 2.2" is, lol...you're such a guy, lol] my engine's complaint prompts my muse to yank my drumstick, against my will, from tapping out my accompaniment." i just think "to yank from tapping" is kind of awkward. the structure is quite complicated; no doubt you will educate us all on how it is a four-part petrarchean septima or something like that (probably with a spencerian hexagonal rhyme scheme, lol). four stanzas of seven lines. in each stanza, lines 1 and 5 rhyme, and 2-3-4 rhyme. not only that, but they are the SAME rhymes in each stanza. line 6 in each stanza ends with "-ment", and line 7 is different each time "riff", "God", "growl", "life." in between are two and one line mini-stanzas. and there ya go, ladies and gentlemen, a perfect bouderian quattroseptet. i think you're trying for iambic pentameter here though (at least in lines 1-6 in each stanza)? if so, there are a number of places where it stumbles a little (eg.: "as I breathe DEEP-ly, my LUNGS take their FILL" is the more natural way of reading that line; "as I breathe DEEP-ly MY lungs TAKE their FILL" is a little strained to my ear). overall, though, this is quite a provocative piece. your facility with rhyme is truly amazing; i recently wrote my first and only poem that will rhyme, and i have to say i am even more in awe of your talent than ever before, lol. very well done. your message here, too, is one that i espceially like, sort of an everything-always-works-out theme, as i see it. you're going along, everything's cool, then ya get some problems, and ricky martin for godsakes comes on the radio, you're climbin up some steep hill and the car's beginning to overheat, and then, from, like, out of nowhere, you're saved! by the simplest and most ordinary of things, dunkin' donnuts, in this case, and all you can do is sit back and be amazed at how life is sometimes. a perfect poem (for me, at least) to take into the new year. thanks for sharing it with us! keep 'em coming. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Geeze, ladies, must I explain everything? Actually, I'll hold off on the indepth explanation (Philip hasn't even been here yet, for crying out loud!).A Toyota 4x2 [four-by-two] is a compact pickup truck. 2-barrelled refers to the carburetor and my engine block is aluminum. "2.2" [two-point-two] is short for "2.2 liter" (refers to engine size)[Jenni -- thanks for the "such a guy" complement, by the way]. The "yank" and "tapping", btw, was a memory from elementary school days (tapping on the desk with a pencil, the pedantic, old teacher sneaking up behind and yanking it away, reminding you of its "better" use ... need I say more?). If you are talking about "reading" awkwardly, what do you think of parentheses instead of commas?: "While struggling up an Appalachian hill my ’83 Toyota 4x2’s 2-barrelled, aluminum blocked 2.2’s whirring complaint prompts my pedantic muse to yank my drumstick/pen (against my will) from tapping out my grand accompaniment to Santana’s riff" I am not trying for iambic pentameter throughout the poem ... lets just say, for now, that this is an experiment, of sorts, in metrical verse.  Thanks all (and especially Jenni for trying to figure out this thing -- sorry if it made your nose bleed). < !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hah! i was right! it IS a bouderian quattroseptet! (now, if i only knew what that was....) my problem with the "yank" part was that you are saying the muse is prompted "to yank [the] drumstick/pen ... from tapping out my grand accompaniment[.]" to yank the pen from your hand, yes. to yank the pen away, yes. to stop the pen from tapping out the rythym, yes. to prevent the pen from tapping out the rythym, yes. to YANK it FROM tapping out the rythym, i think is awkward, parentheses or commas. just my opinion. now i'm trying to figure out how engine size is important here... you really are a guy, lol. i look forward to the explanation of your "experiment". [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jenni: A 2.2 leaves plenty of room for engine-envy, Jenni, you smarta**. Gotcha on the "yank" thing. I'll see what I can do after I get some other opinions (you would advise me in this way, would you not counselor?) < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Glad that Jenni's done the hard work, it's a difficult piece to analyse, and I'm pretty lazy. Did end up enjoying it tho', finding echoes of T. S. Eliot. Journey of the Magi? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, Okay....I found some after all! Though I was perplexed as to structure(knowing now it was a bouderian quattroseptet...talk about a signature to your work!  ), your words and phrases were, as usual, resplendent, imaginative, and extaordinarily descriptive. Though I am of the female gender, I knew what the second and third line was all about, and could see you driving your truck, tapping your pen on the steering wheel, chugging your way up the hill. I also make a connection between caffeine and the savoring of life. "Smooth", Jim.warmhrt |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Wow! Great poem! I can't really anaylze why I liked it too much, other than to say the free verse worked really well. I found it amusing, lively, and fast paced. There was no section that seemed forced or awkward or boring. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Jim, I guess I have to be the bad guy here and be honest in saying this poem didn't tickle my feathers ....what can I say, I'm a bastard...first I insult your occupation and now your poetry Why does honesty sometimes leave me feeling poorly? "While struggling up an Appalachian hill my ’83 Toyota 4x2’s 2-barrelled, aluminum blocked 2.2’s whirring complaint prompts my pedantic muse to yank my drumstick/pen, against my will, from tapping out my grand accompaniment to Santana’s riff." I liked the second half of this stanza, however the first half I couldn't help but picture a Car and Truck ad and Bob Seger singing in the background. An ATM receipt serves as my parchment and a chewed up, black-inked, PaperMate, my quill. "As I breathe deeply, my lungs take their fill of engine’s vaporous, gasoline effuse (I forgot to change that gasket). Static subdues" Actually liked this part a lot. "Ricky Martin’s “Vida Loca” and what ensues (a petty pleasure, I admit) is an evil thrill at the yawning ravine’s grand accomplishment. Laughing, I thank God. " Perhaps it is just my contempt for Ricky Martin's music showing through but I thought it would have been more interesting if you had described the music instead of refering to a specific song and artist. The temperature gauge needles to the red and I crank the heat higher still. "One last swallow of lukewarm coffee swill, I toss my polystyrene cup refuse to the floor just as the radio spews “…skin the color mocha…”. I pay my dues For being cruel to Ricky and start uphill to seek a culinary establishment to staunch my stomach’s growl." Damn that Ricky Martin!!! Personally I have come to realize that I have a certain amount of distaste for poems with musical or literary references....sorry buddy, we all have our afflictions Probably has something to do with culture envy...Canadians can only quote Celine Dion or Brian Adams, so we rarely bother "An epiphany!" Seemed unneeded. "Dunkin’ Donuts appears above the hill! Flea banishes static with his base’s thews as the Red Hot Chili Peppers infuse my drumstick/pen with new power to bruise the steering wheel. I pull off to refill on caffeine and, in contented wonderment, proceed to savor life." Once again your honor I would like to point out the defendants blatent use of references rather than describing the actual thingymobobers. Once again just my personal distaste for the use of references. I would much rather have a donut shop described to me then to just be told that it was a Dunkin Donuts. I appreciate your efforts at trying something a little different. I thought the concept and format was great, ya just didn't grab me with the word usage though. Anyways that's just my opinion and by the looks of the rest of the critiques, I am alone on this one. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks, everyone, for your comments. This was a bit of a departure from me. Trevor: Words, in poetry, should be used to evoke a certain response or to call into the reader's mind a particular image. As a general rule I think you are right. Musical/literary references should be avoided and one should strive to describe the music/literature rather than spouting it's title. But I think when a song or poem is so common that it immediately brings the image of what it is to mind, just by its title, then one's use of the label IS describing the song. "Vida Loca" is sooooo overplayed (and cursedly catchy) that just by hearing/reading the title you can almost hear Ricky's "...vida loca...". I admit that the "Flea" and "Red Hot Chili Peppers" reference was a little more obscure, but any modern rock music enthusaist knows of the base playing genius of Flea. He is a bit of a freak, though, which is probably why so many people know about him (how many OTHER base player's names/pseudonyms do you know?). I suppose that it is a matter of taste, though. I do offer my sincerest sympathies regarding the Celine Dion/Brian Adams thing. How do you live from day to day? John: Nice try with the T. S. Elliot shot but ... nope ... never seriously read Elliot. Sorry. Glad you enjoyed it though.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Jim...Since this has already been sliced/diced/desiccated and desalinated...let me just say you should depart from your traditions more often...I truly enjoyed this jaunt!!!! |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
and now the illustrious review of......me!!! so, i explained in pete's post why i am just now getting this to you, jim. let me start by saying that whatever little fault i find with it, it is a great poem, and i am honored that you sought my opinion on it. While struggling up an Appalachian hill my ’83 Toyota 4x2’s 2-barrelled, aluminum blocked 2.2’s whirring complaint prompts my pedantic muse the intricate, and technical description of the toyota makes one wonder whether it is a sarcastic throw at the "pedantic muse", or just what you wanted to write. i hope it's sarcastic. i like it better that way. An ATM receipt serves as my parchment and a chewed up, black-inked, PaperMate, my quill. i like this part a lot, a whole lot, just thought you should know. thanking god for a ravine? doughnuts as an epiphany? the overstatement works here. the thing i like most about this poem is its simple, endearing quality (except for that toyota part). the narrator is a normal guy, hence his atm receipt parchment, his pen as a drumstick/quill/pen. that's possibly the best thing about this poem. anyways, it was a good read, and i hope that your pedantic muse will someday allow you to write a formless, rhymeless, free verse. that should be interesting. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Everyone: A quick explanation for those of you sitting on the edge of your seats. This was originally intended to be a sonnet (the reason for the iambic feet in much of the poem) but I scrapped the idea when too many of my lines (such as Jenni's favorite "at the yawning ravine's grand accomplishment") just didn't work for me.I then tried to turn it into a work of free-verse. But as I mention in the first stanza, my "muse" is quite pedantic. She is quite the anal retentive, as a matter of fact. So I started piecing some things together. First my line format, then my rhyme scheme, beats per line, etc. It all had to be neat and tidy (again, see "pedantic muse" above). I messed around a bit with differing metrical feet just to see what kind of effect they would have on mood and flow. Some of it was inspiration and some (mad) scientific. And voila: Dr. Franken-Jim creates the Bouderian Quattroseptet (thanks for the label, Jenni). Roxanne: The intricate description of the Toyota was actually a sarcastic shot at myself (I suppose "I" am the "pedantic muse" after all). I have been described as overly analytical/contemplative in my day (I know that comes as a shock to everyone). Overdescribing the Toyota was just as you suspected. Don't expect "formless, rhymeless free-verse" from me anytime in the near future, though. Its right up there on my "things to do" list next to "death". Haze: Thanks. I'll try "jaunting" from sonnets more often but you'll have to expect some measure of form from me. I'll do my best to keep it interesting. Everyone: Thanks again.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-05-2000).] |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Ok...not much to say that hasn't been said...but I would like to say that I at first appalled by this...it was too real for me to swallow, I'm not really used to that in poetry...However,upon a second reading I began to see (dare I say it)genius in this writing. There are few who can pull off what you have done in this one and I think it would be a folley on your part not to keep the experiment alive...its different and refreshing. I may try one of my own now...though I seriously doubt I'll ever have the cohonas to post it. Nice work. Hawk |
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