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The Beach At Normandy
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Beach At Normandy |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
The darkness spoke to the sea, and the men listened. In the dancing light of a burning tree, blood glistened On the sand among the twisted faces. I took the soldier's hand, While his dying memory scanned Forgotten times and places. "Padre, will you ...", whispered, soft, "Take this to ..." the soldier coughed, And more blood glistened on the sand And on the picture in my hand. Sharp red blossoms burst like rain And red blood rained around And as I prayed I saw with pain The deathmask on the ground. Somewhere soft-bellied leaders planned This cruel waste As I slowly placed Some nameless girl in a dead man's hand. |
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| © Copyright 2000 John Foulstone - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jennifer B New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 6 |
John, This poem was very touching. Excellent imagery. I think you are very talented. |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
I feel your poem conveys very well the essence that seems to emerge from all wars: a feeling of loathing and sadness that emerges when the reality of war is confronted, when feelings of glory are replaced by a wiser, sadder understanding. In particular the contrast of the aloof leaders and the nameless girl with the very personal and real waste and sadness. I feel your poem captures in short a truth contained in volumes of history books. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
If only the world could be run by poets instead of politicians. John, you have told the real story of war in very powerful imagery. I particularly liked the way you varied the rhyme scheme. And, I don't know enough to tell why but the varying line lengths seemed to add something to this poem, for me at least whereas that is not often the case. Thanks for sharing this. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
John, This is an excellent, eloquent piece of work. It captures the mindless atrocities of war so vividly, and conveys the emotion felt within one who is truly "in the middle". It is no wonder why there are so many with PTSD! I'm sure many had it after the World Wars...it just wasn't recognized till after 'Nam. Let's have some more of your work... warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
John: This is a very good poem. My grandfather was a medic at during the D-Day invasion and I am well aware of the horrors that those men experienced on those beaches. Your rhyme scheme is interesting, by the way: aabccbddccefefcggc. Couldn't make out a pattern ... was there one? Thanks for the read. Pete: If the world was run by poets, nothing would ever get done ... everyone would be in Passions all of the time. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
john f.-- a very powerful piece indeed. your first and last lines are incredible. i think you might strengthen the poem a bit more if you could avoid the repetition of "blood glistened on the sand" in lines 2-3 and "more blood glistened on the sand" in line 9. the lines "Sharp red blossoms burst like rain / And red blood rained around" also troubled me a bit; anyone who can write lines as beautiful and interesting as "the darkness spoke to the sea, and the men listened" i KNOW can avoid saying "rain rained," lol. about the rhyme scheme.... why? the piece would work much better, i think, without rhyme at all; i found it a little distracting. after the opening two lines (a couplet, i guess), the poem is essentially four sections of four lines each. in the first and last such sections, the first and last lines rhyme, as well as the middle lines. in the second four-line section, the first 2 and last 2 lines rhyme; in the third section, the rhyme is first and third lines, and second and fourth. the meter varies throughout; as i read it, only the couplet and the second four-line grouping (lines 7-10) really have any regular metrical pattern (although even they are different from each other, lol). i'm assuming you intended all this but again, i have to ask, why? to show that war is chaos and destruction? i don't think a poem this short benefits from four quatrains of three different meter and rhyme schemes, all preceded by a couplet. (getting rid of your rhyme scheme would also free you from resorting to the repetitions of "hand", "sand", "rain", and even "blood", although i recognize that word is a little different in this piece.) overall, though, i agree with Jennifer B, this piece has excellent imagery and ultimately is quite touching. thanks for sharing it with us. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
Powerful and moving. "Sharp red blossoms burst like rain" Dark imagery. Good piece. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Some excellent imagery evoked here. Really liked the last four lines a lot. The only suggestion for improvement I might have is what Jenni already talked about, the repetition of some words. Also I was curious to what was meant by "a burning tree", was it a biblical reference (the killing of one's child, I'm not quite up to date with my bible studies??) Loved the story of a priests perspective of a bloody event. Anyways, I enjoyed this poem, thanks for the read. BTW thought the rhyming scheme was excellent. [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this is excellent. too often when people write about the atrocity of war, they are trite. this poem is so original, and refreshingly poignant. it's a great piece. |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Thanks all. This child was written quite a few years ago; each year I change a word or two, and usually end up going back to the original. Trevor - Nothing biblical. I'm not that religious, or that obscure. Just a tree, set on fire by an exploding shell, casting a flickering light over the beach nearby. Jenni - Must admit I'd never analysed the structure of this piece in detail. Was just striving for a dramatic effect to express a gut feeling. Technically flawed, yes, I admit, and one day maybe I'll find the elusive words that will fix that without totally stuffing up the impact. Again, thanks. |
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James Woods New Member
since 2000-01-05
Posts 2 |
Very moving. I've been in the blood too, and you've captured its essence. The vision of "soft bellied leaders" is sharp. Maybe give them rank, and say "Generals?" Wow. And the close of placing the "nameless girl in the dead man's hand" can make a Sgt. weep. I'm moved. |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Welcome, James Woods! That this managed to move a vet makes me very proud. Re "Generals", I don't think so. That would exclude the politicians who have the most to answer for. Thanks. |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
A powerful poem. I loved the somewhat random rhyme scheme; it flowed naturally and beautifully. |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
This is a very vivid poem...it is tragic in its truth... I like the addition of a voice within "the voice"...this works really well here. As for the rhyme..I would say there is as much as there needs to be, whether intentional or not, it fits perfectly. Great work! Hawk |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You have a killer first line here but I would drop the rhyme because I think it detracts from the full force of the poem. I would also think about dropping some of the more 'telling' lines here ('This cruel waste' for example). I think the picture you portray is strong enough without them. I like the use of dialogue in the middle part and would have enjoyed a bit more. Still, I was wondering if you might take that first line and write a whole new poem around that theme. What did the darkness say to the men? Why is the darkness talking to the sea? Maybe it can go in a whole new direction. Maybe not. Brad |
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