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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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riding through heart's turbulence, corrosive fears, loneliness overwhelm, attempt to cripple, disquieting quiet accords thoughts free reign to stampede across wildflowers. as daylight crows, you slowly fade into shadows with elusive edges, and I exclaim no longer abstruse elaborations, extraneous explanations, good-byes have now been said, and felt within. at last you will not insinuate, or perpetrate my will. living on will I go, again woman. warmhrt  [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-30-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I really like this, warmheart - I do. I'd edit the spelling of loneliness - and possibly change your little i's to capitals - it just seems to read better - easier on the eye. The flow of the piece may be jarred by the little i's as the reader tries to accomodate the adjustment from capital to little. I love the image of stampeding through flowers - fantastic juxtaposition of destruction versus delicate: echoing your theme of a destroyed relationship. And the end two lines - wonderful. Just one other thing I would mention - accords thoughts: the two plurals seem to jar just a little. I'm not sure if accord thoughts is acceptable (dictionary wouldn't tell me...!) great freeverse - lots of passion and excellent word choice - I like it!!!  K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 12-28-1999).] |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Hey, you really write the kind of poetry I love. I especially like these lines to stampede across wildflowers. as daylight crows, you slowly fade into shadows Isn't it wonderful how such beautiful poetry comes from the pains of life. Wonder what life would be like without pain? Maybe we wouldn't want to know? |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
This is a very well written poem warmhrt.... I would have to agree with the latter statements about the "wildflowers", very vivid. Everything must happen for a reason, though it seems elusive at times....I would write a sequel if I were you, only cause yuorself to live the paradox....make it happy....just a thought I would like to read something from you that could inspire warm and feelings of love...I think you could do it....I'm still working on the critical analysis part....and I'll get back to you. Good work. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Severn, I am so glad you liked this piece...I did take your advice, except about the two plurals, as (the) quiet accords (the) thoughts. I thank you for taking the time to read and critique the poem, and, again, glad you enjoyed it. Septsong and Hawk, I dearly appreciate your kind and generous comments. Perhaps I will write a sequel when the time is right. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wh - hehe, well did you notice how I murdered the word relationship before? I was just curious about accords. Whether it was one of those verbs that didn't require a plural - still like it!!! And the capital I's definitely work better - the whole thing is as smooth as a still lake now. K...I am not a painter, I am a poet... F. O'Hara |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Severn, Never had one of my poems described as "smooth as a still lake". Sounds nice... thanks a bunch. Hawk, Try reading "Envisioning", which is a sonnet attempt, and "I Want to Dance" (free verse), both love poems written within the last 5 days. I'm interested to see how you like them. Let me know, OK? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: I really enjoyed the substance and language of this poem. Perhaps, though, you meant "abstruse" (difficult to understand) or "obtuse" (insensitive) instead of "abtruse". Either of the two possibilities work, in my opinion. Your word choice throughout was excellent, btw. I disagree about the "smooth as a lake" description in one respect. The format had me stumbling over some of the phrases. I had to work, at times, to figure out which words were being modified by adjectives. For example: "... corrosive fears, loneliness overwhelm, attempt to cripple, disquieting quiet accords thoughts free reign to stampede across wildflowers." I assume (I think correctly) that "corrosive fears" and "loneliness" are what "overwhelm" and "attempt to cripple". It took me a sec to figure out that "thoughts" was a possessive (or am I wrong). I wouldn't reword it that line, necessarily (once I got over my mental speed bump it read fine) but it would have been helpful to my first reading if the idea of "disquieting quiet" according the "free reign" of the narrator's "thoughts" was more obvious (okay, I'm lazy ... so what!). Thanks for the read. Sorry it took me some time to get to this. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-29-1999).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, I forgive you, but you really didn't have to apologize for not being able to read through it, and understand it immediately. It may have been my choice of words (I did spell abstruse wrong, thank you), or the construction of the poem. Thoughts was not a possessive...should read: (the) disquieting quiet gives (the) thoughts free reign to stampede... You were right about the first two lines. Sometimes free verse takes a bit of getting used to, but the punctuation, or lack of it, is usually somewhat of a guide. That said, I'm glad you did enjoy the words and meaning of the poem. warmhrt |
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