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Season Jubilee
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Season Jubilee |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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Season Jubilee New life bursting forth, refreshed from Winter's slumber; morning songs of birds awakening in the misty dawn; the sweet smell of a yellow daffodil; rejoicing in Spring. Sun toasted tourists; lover's caress upon a sandy beach; the sun's golden rays leap madly across the crystal blue ocean; bitter heat rivals children's laughter on the carousel; sweating out Summer. Whispers of crisp air dancing through the trees; scattered falling leaves abound, gleeful children skipping through the grand colours; birds-a-plenty board the first train to Southern skies; visiting Autumn. Snowflakes fall gently upon little tongues; sly frost captures all the senses; glistening icicles seduce the eye; icy Northern winds do blow; merciless Winter. by * Melissa Honeybee * |
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| © Copyright 1999 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Excellent! The metaphors and imagery you used were so well done. Keep up the good work! warmhrt |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Very good portrayal of the seasons. As warmht stated, good use of metaphores. Once more, your imagery is great. I've got to do this here for you because I'm not sure if it was you intentions or if anyone else noticed this but me, but if you take the first and last line of each stanza...it makes a whole other poem in itself, with very much the same feel. Just thought that kind of neat  New life bursting forth rejoicing in Spring. Sun toasted tourists; sweating out Summer. Whispers of crisp air dancing through the trees; visiting Autumn. Snowflakes fall gently upon little tongues; merciless Winter. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ahhh! To have Ruth's discerning eye. That is a very interesting effect the good Moderator pointed out. As the others have pointed out already, the imagery is impressive. One point ... I've never heard the word "bitter" used to describe "heat" before. Perhaps a different word would better contrast the "heat" with the "children's laughter" since you do mention that there is a rivalry between the two. Perhaps something along the lines of "oppressive heat" rivaling the enthusiastic laughter of the children. Just an opinion. Nice job here, MH. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Thank you to warmhrt, Hoot Owl RN (Ruth) and jboulder for reading and replying to my poem. Originally I named the poem Changing Seasons, but, that title seemed so boring to me, so I changed it to Season Jubilee, because I feel that although the seasons have negatives and positives about them, there is still beauty in all the seaons and they should all be celebrated like a jubilee. I hope everyone likes the final title. If not, please give me suggestions. I am very glad that my use of imagery impressed all of you. It actually came very easily to me. I am the type of person who can't just sit down and write poetry, especially if it's a class assignment at university. I have to wait until the moment hits, and when it does (usually at the strangest times), I write non stop, sometimes I even have to wake up in the middle of the night to write thoughts down for a new poem; that's just how I am. Does that sound silly? Ruth: Once again, you have a keen eye for things, you are very bright. Actually, I originally started Season Jubilee exactly the way you rewrote my poem, and then I added more lines in between to add more depth. So, yes, in a way, I did intend it, and I was aware of it. Jboulder: Thanks for your comments. Yes, I will consider changing the line "bitter heat rivals children's laughter on the carousel." I already really like it, but, your point does make sense. But also consider why I choose "bitter heat": I know that a lot of people feel that the Winter is very bitterly cold, but, summer is the opposite extreme of Winter remember, so it too is bitter in a hot sense. I live in Ontario, Canada (near Toronto), and it is very hot here in the summer, and in my opinion, the heat can be very harsh, and hard to bear, which is in my opinion "bitter." Also, the reason why I choose bitter to describe the heat, was because I wanted to be different, to add a uniqueness to the line, as in a rivalry between the sweet sound of children's laughter versus the harsh boiling heat, which is bitter. maybe the new line should be "bitter oppressing heat rivals the sweet sound of enthusisatic children's laughter on the carousel" (or is that too much to say in a line, it seems too crowded now) OR IT CAN BE: "bitter heat rivals the sweet sound of children's laughter on the carousel" please reply jboulder or anyone else for that matter, and let me know if that is better, or should I keep the original line just the way it is? * Melissa Honeybee * |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Melissa...I like the line bitter heat as it is....the heat of summer can be very bitter. As for the title, I find it very appropriate. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't have any problems with the title nor do I with 'bitter heat'. Overall, this seems like a fine nature poem with a few twists hears and there ( liked 'loves toasted tourist'). So what's the problem? I think you're trying to do too much here. With the above line just mentioned, for example, you sort of leave it hanging there. You tease me with the hope that you're going to make fun of tourists (a favorite pasttime even when I am a tourist) and then nothing. Expand some of these ideas, look at them from different angles, shoe me sides that haven't really been explored yet, and you'll have a more exciting poem. A few more things: I think the use of children twice is repetitive and the line 'glistening icycles seduce the eye' bothers me because (as do some of the other lines) you're telling me what you're feeling but you're not doing anything to seduce my eye. Come on, seduce me, seduce me! Sorry, this too so long, Brad |
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