»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
For My Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
For My Love |
|
|
~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
(You might have seen this posted in the open forum, but I wanted critical analysis on it.) “For My Love” Please don’t let me fade ceaselessly in to long-suffering. Watch over me while I lay asleep. Don’t let me fall buried beneath nonentity. Stay within the shadows of my keep. Fly with me in to oblivion. Soar with me up to the moon. Never mind the pain and emotional carrion. Lover, just keep building my heart to swoon. Oh, my Angel, love me invariably. Cleanse my soul of all it’s grief. Forbid my sorrow to restrain me, and might your kiss be sweet relief? From the Darkness you have come to me and you enrapture me with grace. My Dear, you’ve undiminished me; You’ve made my earth a better place. ©1999 ~onevoice~ ------------------ ~onevoice~ "I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart." |
||
| © Copyright 1999 ~one voice~ - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
ummmm...is it that bad? yikes? not even 1 comment yet.... hehehe ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." |
||
|
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
I see two lines that are bulky, out of balance to the rhyme scheme. "Please don’t let me fade ceaselessly in to long-suffering." "Never mind the pain and emotional carrion." The number of syllables to these two lines don't match the rest of the piece, it makes them out of balance. ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© |
||
|
~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
do you have any suggestions on how to shorten them up a bit? ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." |
||
|
~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
yoohoo? anyone? ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hi, there, one voice. The problems seem to be the variance of syllables and where the accents fall within the lines to promote easy reading and speech. I could go through line by line but let me just show you how I would write it and you can look and try to understand my changes: Don't let me fade into long-suffering Watch above me while I lay asleep. Don't leave me covered by non-entity Stay within the shadows of my keep. Fly right here with me into oblivion. Soar along with me up to the moon. Forget the pain - forget emotional carrion, Oh, Love, just build my lonely heart to swoon. My Angel dear, just give me love invariably, Help cleanse my aching soul of all its grief. Forbid my present sorrow to restrain me And, with your kiss, please grant me sweet release. From out the Darkness, love, you have now come to me And you enrapture me with tender grace My Dear, I mean to say you've undiminished me; Your love has made my earth a better place. There are still some changes that could be made but I think you will find this smoother flowing. The 7th and 8th lines do not do much for the poem (I'm still looking for my first swooning heart) and think they could be improved. Other than that, it is a very worthy poem. Hope I've helped a little, friend. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You're welcome. |
||
|
~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
Balladeer, thank you. I just finally got to the replies on this one, and I regret not seeing them sooner. Your help is greatly appreciated! ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||