The Sirens (Greek Mythology)

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Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

0 posted 1999-12-11 01:43 PM

I based this poem on Homer's story called The Odessy and used his caracters as the subjects in my story. This is my first real poem and I know it's not very good, but I want some suggestions and I figured I would get some here.

The Sirens

I saw the Sirens
From afar
While sailing from the shore
They sang a song
That enchanted me
And by their music I was lured

Their voices echoed mystically
The sound tempting to the ear
The harmony enraptured me
And the melody calmed my fear

The sunlight shone so brightly
Showing the form of those ancient creatures
By outlining every curve
And outlining every feature

With the faces of beautiful goddesses
And the bodies of beautiful birds
A hypnotic power they did possess
To whomever heard their chiming words

But the sailor knew the sirens well
And of the evils they would do
They cunned all sailors with a musical spell
Disguised in a lyrical hue

To the rocky island
They were forced to go
Where they crashed their ships
On the treacherous shores
An evil death these brave men knew
And how precious the lives that were lost in rue

But Aphrodite who loved mw true
Would not let them seal my fate
Their melodic voices she would subdue
And my course she would reinstate

And as my ship went sailing past
The sirens they could not believe
That now this day was to be their last
And no others shall they deceive

For if a ship would ever pass by
At that moment a siren would perish
And they plunged themselves into the ocean nigh
For that was a sirens sentence

But the voices still enchant me
And my heart the song still allures
And still I feel blessed I hear the Sirens
Who sang from their rocky shore.

Mya15
Junior Member

since 1999-07-19

Posts 16
Sunrise,Fl,33351

1 posted 1999-12-12 12:12 PM

I think that this is okay for your first poem, but I think that it's lacking something. Maybe transitions. Other than that I think it's pretty good.

Aegis
Junior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 28

2 posted 1999-12-12 04:03 PM

Our opinions differ, I think this is outstanding for a first poem. Included are strong descriptions, alluring environment and background, nice job of rhyming, beautiful ending. I like it because it's based on mythology....
as for bad parts, I see none.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 1999-12-12 05:52 PM

There's a typo in "But Aphrodite who loved me true" -- we all do this but here you can change it.  If you're not sure how yet, go ahead and e-mail me or ask here.

I saw the Sirens
From afar
While sailing from the shore.
They sang a song
That enchanted me
And by their music I was lured.

--This is a tricky first stanza and I've certainly been accused many times of the same lackluster start. My first instinct is to say I already know the story but certainly there may be others who are not familiar with it.  I would say I see a couple of problem with pronoun agreement here -- some punctuation would probably clear that up.  Notice the period I added here.

Their voices echoed mystically
The sound tempting to the ear
The harmony enraptured me
And the melody calmed my fear

--here, you're putting an interesting twist on the myth that I remember reading for the the song itself is supposed to create an irrational passion in the sailors, not a calming effect.  This creates problems for you later but it's something worth pursuing.

The sunlight shone so brightly
Showing the form of those ancient creatures
By outlining every curve
And outlining every feature

With the faces of beautiful goddesses
And the bodies of beautiful birds
A hypnotic power they did possess
To whomever heard their chiming words

--I wonder if you might want to combing these two stanzas.  I'm not sure how much the top stanza really adds to the poem.  Also, I think you might want to add to the description of the sirens themselves. Maybe describe the faces and describe the bodies without actually telling the reader what it is that they look like.  It might create a certain explosion of thought in the reader.  Then again, it might not.  You never know.

But the sailor knew the sirens well
And of the evils they would do
They cunned all sailors with a musical spell
Disguised in a lyrical hue

To the rocky island
They  were forced  to go
Where they crashed their ships
On the treacherous shores
An evil death these brave men knew
And how precious the lives that were lost in rue

--I would try to show the feelings of wanting to go to see the sirens (which doesn't 'fit' with the above calming effect as I see it.  It can fit, I think, if you try to show a certain drug like effect but again I would stop telling up about and try to show us.

But Aphrodite who loved mw true
Would not let them seal my fate
Their melodic voices she would subdue
And my course she would reinstate

--sounds to me like you've been reading a lot of the Romantics recently (Coleridge perhaps?)

And as my ship went sailing past
The sirens they could not believe
That now this day was to be their last
And no others shall they deceive

For if a ship would ever pass by
At that moment a siren would perish
And they plunged themselves into the ocean nigh
For that was a sirens sentence

But the voices still enchant me
And my heart the song still allures
And still I feel blessed I hear the Sirens
Who sang from their rocky shore.

--Okay, the sirens are no more but it seems strange to call the speaker 'blessed' with this memory.  Like seeing Heaven and returning to Earth or like a heroin addict, it seems to me it would be more painful than you describe.  I could be wrong of course but that's always been how I've seen the story.

I would drop the rhyme scheme and try to make the speaker speak a more natural syntax and diction or clean up the meter and try to get a  more rhythmic feel.  There's a lot more to play with here.  All in all, a very strong first poem but now it's time to think about where to go to next.

Brad

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

4 posted 1999-12-12 06:37 PM

Thank you Aegis for the compliment. I'm actually really pleased that you liked it but as Brad said, it needs some work. Again thanks

Brad: I knew that something was missing from my poem but I honestly couldn't figure out what. I'm going to go ahead and make the changes then post this poem again and hope it will be much better. Thank you for the much needed comments and corrections.

--A Little Fairy--

idream2dream
Junior Member

since 1999-11-30

Posts 15
bessemer

5 posted 1999-12-12 07:33 PM

i liked it. i thought it rolled off my tongue in a nice rythmn

Aegis
Junior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 28

6 posted 1999-12-12 09:14 PM

I couldn't figure it out either. Brad knows what he's doing.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 1999-12-13 03:34 AM

If I know what I'm doing then why did I make all those stupid typos in the above post.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

8 posted 1999-12-13 02:50 PM

Fairy Colours:

I cannot add much to Brad's analysis, I'm afraid.  All in all I think this is a very good and promising start.  I love Homer and Greek mythology.  But I agree with Brad in that, while this poem shows a great deal of promise, a little bit of cleaning up would certainly help.

There were times that the rhyme seems a bit forced.  Brad's suggestions, I think are good ones: Either drop the rhyme scheme or work on the meter.  The easier of the two would certainly be to drop the rhyme scheme but, this being a relatively well known topic, good meter, I think, would make it seem less like I am re-reading a story I already know.  Well worth the extra work, ya know what I mean?

And one more thing: Never listen to Brad when he claims he doesn't know what he is doing.  The guy has a serious problem accepting compliments.

Seriously, paying close attention to his comments would be the best advice I could offer.

Again, good poem. Maybe you can clean it up and email me. I would love to read the finished product.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

9 posted 1999-12-20 05:49 PM

This is the new and hopefully improved version. I tried and I tried to drop the rhyme scheme but I almost died so I kept it (I'm weak

)

The Sirens

I saw the sirens from afar
As I was sailing towards the shore.
They sang a song that enchanted me
And by their music I was lured

Their voices echoed mystically
The sound, a tempting work of art
The harmony enraptured me
And the melody, enticing to the heart

With the faces of beautiful goddesses
And the bodies of colorful birds
The power of passion the did possess
To whomever heard their chiming words

But the sailor knew the sirens well
And of the evils they would do
They cunned all sailors with a musicall spell
Disguised in a lyrical hue

The sailors lost their senses completely
While listening to their song
The lyrics of "Lust" compeled them to go
Despite the journey seeming endlessly long

To the rocky island
They would go
Where they crashed their ships
On the treacherous shores

An evil death
These brave men knew
And how precious the lives
That were lost in rue

But Aphrodite who loved me true
Would not let them seal my fate
Their melodic voices she would subdue
And my course she would reinstate

And as my ship went sailing past
The sirens they could not belive
That now this day was to be their last
And no others shall they decive

For if a ship should ever pass by
At that moment a Siren would perrish
And they plunged thhemselves into the ocean nigh
For that was a Sirens sentence

But their voices still enchant me
And my heart the song still allures
From the memory of those mystical creatures
Who sang from their rocky shore

I know it still sucks but if you have any more suggestions or if you have an idea for a paragraph tell me.

--A Little Fairy--

haze
Senior Member

since 1999-11-03

Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA

10 posted 1999-12-20 05:55 PM

it does not suck...it is a beautiful poem...even the rhyme doesn't bother me...The rich imagery rolls lyrically from the tongue...A very nice work...KUDOS!

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

11 posted 1999-12-20 08:03 PM

For a first poem, this is a great piece of work. If you're anything like me, you will keep going back to it until it seems just so, that there is nothing more you could change or add. That is always a satisfying feeling. Congratulations.....warmhrt

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

12 posted 1999-12-20 08:53 PM

Thank you for the comments guys and I'm not very good at critiquing my own poetry so I let you guys do it for me. Though I find it very odd that I can critique everyone elses

Just let me know if I need to make any changes to this okay?

--A Little Fairy--

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