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Critical Analysis #1

A Childhood Path of Ten

thunderstruck9
Junior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 11

0 posted 1999-12-04 12:56 PM

There's a path in my backyard.
By the woods the way is barred.
Used to be, the way was clear.
Thats before I got the fear.
My friends and I made that trail,
As a path to our own jail.
We were ten and liked to play.
We loved the woods 'til that day.
Going home was our main goal.
Under a bluff there was a hole.
It was glowing, like from a light.
My friend was looking like he might,
Go crawl right in and check it out.
I'll tell you, I wasn't about
To poke more in than just my head.
It was enough to smell the dead.
There was a thump and then a growl,
The light went out, we heard a howl.
We both stood up and ran like hell.
I'm surprised neither of us fell.
I never went back there again.
Never again, since I was ten.

------------------

From the darkness arose a man.

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

1 posted 1999-12-04 12:07 PM

Some parts are a little muddled (Only to me thought) But I love the idea of a child hood memory. Is this something that really happened toy you or is this just a fantastic idea?
--A Little Fairy--

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

2 posted 1999-12-04 02:11 PM

i think that this would be better if it was more clear what happened to you and your friend. the rhyme sounds forced, so it might be easier to try a looser rhyme scheme.
ex:
there's a path in my backyard
it used to be the way was clear
that's before the fateful day
when my friends and i got the fear.

do you see how it's easier to do? the improvised lines are only a suggestion, but i do think that there is a great dela of potential here. good luck.

thunderstruck9
Junior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 11

3 posted 1999-12-04 02:49 PM

Thanks for the thoughts you two, and no it's not based on a real experience.

------------------

From the darkness arose a man.

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