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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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First timer here..... |
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AbbyNormal New Member
since 1999-11-24
Posts 1Memphis, TN USA |
I've never let anyone read any of the things that I've written before but since I like this site so much I thought...What the heck? So....here goes....... Perfection Dear God...Help me... His touch brought me back to life... His smile was the sun that lit my world. His voice was my comfort and passion all at once. His body was my ideal..Hard and soft in all the right places. But..oh God..his mind...his mind is unexplored territory. He has been used for his beauty for so long that he has forgotten. He has forgotten that he has a mind that delves and then rises. Only to question again. Why must women always try to seperate one from the other? He is much more than a mere male physique. He is warmth and laughter and fears and tears... He is confident and yet he is scared. He is funny...he is serious. He is intelligent...he is a good ole boy. He is every man and yet he is his own man. He is a father...he is a lover. Am I the only one that sees all this? Can she really appreciate all that he is??? He left his for her She left hers for him... Does this pattern really give them any confidence in where their Relationship will go??? What do I do...What do I do to make him see me as a woman first And THEN as a friend? Do I change myself physically?... Do I broaden my mind...or do I narrow it? How do I become what he thinks he needs and yet Still be what I am??? I'm no beauty...and yet not exactly Quasimodo I'm intelligent and yet no Einstein... I'm loving and yet no Mother Teresa... I'm funny and yet no Lucy... I'm all of these and more And yet I'm all of these and less. I will not reach perfection on this earth... But for him... For him...I would try to be his definition of it. But how does he define it? Do I have to be the perfect mother to his children? The consummate lover? What is it God...that will reach him? I long for his touch... But I yearn for his love. What did I do to deserve this exile that I'm in? Perhaps...I love too much and too well... Perhaps this is a problem brought on of my own accord... But still... He defines Perfection... For me. |
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| © Copyright 1999 AbbyNormal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
hi, welcome to passions.  i think that this poem is pretty good, and it shows a lot of potential. i guess we just have to see what you post next.as for my criticism- i didn't really like the third stanza. it sounded like a psychiatrist just stepped in there and consoled you with some words of wisdom of something. my point being, love has no reason, no logic. you clearly show that in the rest of the poem, which is excellent, but then, the third stanza creeps up, and beccomes the voice of reason, adding this thrid person, the other woman. really, this voice spoils the fun of longing for someone. if you think about it that way. i can see though where it sould be your self-doubt, or maybe something that you've said to yourself in order to think less of him, or her, but i don't like it in her. don't worry, it's jsut my opinion. one thing more, you seem to make a transition from talking about his imperfections and how women don't see him the way he is to talking about how you want to be perfect for him, and how he is your ideal. i wish that you would put a stanza in here that illustrates your thoughts shifting from him to you, a transition i mean. anyways, i think this was pretty good. i especially liked the first stanza, there is so much lines in those simple lines. |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Abby: As a man, I must confess that this poem helped me enormously to understand a woman's feelings about love, and I want to thank you for posting it. Although I'm sup- posed to present impartial critique here, I cannot bring myself to dissect this gem of highly personal art like one might do to a live frog in a biology class, to see what makes it a frog. I'll leave that to cooler poets... Willem |
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