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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
listening to the stars evolve in the sky bursts of light in the black abyss of night a milky mist of a waning moon shining on your wet lips kiss me and i will taste the heavens quiet my cries with your lips on mine own through each sob, will you press harder into me? with your force obliviate the madness of me. watching the bleak night become dawn cheap and fake like rouge on the white sky beads of dew woven into your hair a crown of rude light hold me to your tired body absorb my tremors with your flesh on my flesh each time will you dive back into me, and resurface? but never tarry too long above my sadness. ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane i changed the cliche. is it better now? [This message has been edited by roxane (edited 11-22-1999).] [This message has been edited by roxane (edited 11-24-1999).] [This message has been edited by roxane (edited 11-26-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
Such rich images. Love esp. the "taste the heavens" one. The only one that I would change would be the "curtain of night," which seems clichéd. Please give this one a name! It deserves not to be an orphan.  Pat |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Excellent work...I agree with DramaMama...Overall this is FANTASTIC WORK POET! |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
roxanne-- wow...this is simply beautiful. if you're still looking for a poem to submit in an application for a writing program, this is the one (although they might turn you down and ask you to teach the class instead). the more i read it the more i stand in awe of your talent. your imagery here is certainly stunning, but what really impressed me was the structure, two 9-line sections of perfectly parallel construction, yet with such variety within each part that it doesn't seem "structured" at all. thank you so much for sharing this with us. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
thank you all for your kind comments. i really appreciate them. often when i'm writing something free verse, i try to make the first half and second half similar in structure so that i don't distance myself from the person reading it. does that make sense? that's just the way that i've seen it. such comments! anyways thatnk you again, and happy thanksgiving. |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Truly beautiful. It seemed I could almost touch you. God I wish I had that kind of talent. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Yes Roxane this is another (among many) amazing poems, how you can produce them like this beats me! lol What really dominated for me was the imagery as the others have said. It was simply and palpably gorgeous..... Ahem having said that there are just a few small matters I would like to query if I may. First just to clarify, this is basically a poem about the speaker being comforted and being given succour by her loved one as they stand together in the night then into the dawn? I hope that is right? The speaker is both a little mad and quite a lot sad tho we are not told why .. but that doesn't matter. I thought everything worked fine except there seemed to be a bit of a conflict between the descriptions of the night. You refer to it as an "abyss" and "bleak" both of which are fairly hostile terms. However you also talk of "a milky mist of waning moon" and "the stars" both of which have more positive connotations - the result is that I was confused about whether the night was hostile or friendly or what? You may say it doesn't matter, but I would point out that essentially the poem is comprised of two main features: the lovers and their emotions, and the environment in which they stand. Both elements are described in some detail and I just feel that it is therefore important that there shouldn't be any confusion in either area. Secondly you are very "rude" (lol) about the dawn. "Cheap and fake like rouge" is pretty disparaging - it reminded me of a Paris harlot (and no Jenni I have no first hand experience LOL). Was this intentional? If so I couldn't see why you did it? Surely the dawn ought to be friendly if you are there being comforted by your lover? Or maybe the dawn heralds a parting? Is that it? However if the dawn is unfriendly for that reason then surely the night should have been portrayed as a friend? Two small points - I couldn't find the word "obliviate" anywhere in Websters, did you mean obviate? Is there any chance you could explain the line: "hold me to me to your tired body"? I wasn't sure about the two "me's" .. The last two lines were masterful and memorable. Oh yes - one last thing (really addressed to Jenni). Why do you (Jenni) say that the two halves are "perfectly parallel construction", I can't see the perfection, the syllable count isn't the same for instance - I would be grateful if you could explain that comment oh technical wizardress (or something lol) All in all Roxane a lovely poem tho. ....... that's what I think anyway .. Philip |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
philip- i think that the contrasts add to the feeling of madness. the speaker is not necessarily happy to be out with her lover, but she wants to be. i was kind of inspired by a line in "the age of reason" where one of the characters says "hold me closer to you. make me feel that i love you." the twist is this is that she does love him. she wants to be held in order to forget herself, she believes that he can suffocate the impurity of her. the night is bleak, the stars, the moon, they are not, especially shining on her lover's lips. the "rude" dawn refers to a sort of cheap happiness that dispells the comfortable depression that the speaker had. one of the things that i find interesting about depression is that it is a known fact that people who are severely depressed revel in that sadness. the only comfort she has is her familiar sadness and the lover she hopes will make her not need it. does that make any sense?? obliviate- i thought it was a verb form of the word oblivion. i might be wrong that peculiar line was a typo. thanks for bringing it to my attention. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Roxane Your explanation is excellent and thanks for taking the trouble. I especially began to see what you were doing when you mentioned the mentality of a person in depression. My problem is (and it's a sad shortcoming .. lol) that I haven't had much experience of depression first hand - not good background for a poet eh? "obliviate" I still can't find this. I didn't know that there was a verb form of oblivion. Perhaps someone else can help?? Philip |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
syllable count schmyllable count... to answer your question, poertree, here's how i see the parallel construction (roxanne, please tell me if i'm wrong on any of this, or if i'm missing anything!): lines 1 and 10: each part starts with a single word, describing the speaker's relation to the world, what she is doing. (listening and watching.) lines 2 and 11: the next line in each part describes the world around the speaker, what the speaker is listening to or watching (the stars in the sky, the sky becoming dawn.) lines 3 and 12: the next line describes some quality of the world around the speaker, about what she is listening to or watching, from, of course, the speaker's viewpoint. in both parts, the speaker's perceptions are rather bleak. lines 4-5 and 13-14: the next two lines in each part describe the person she is with, in both instances solely in terms of how the world is acting upon the lover in some rather positive way. (the mist of the moon is shining on his lips, or the dew in his hair gives him a kind of crown.) lines 6-7 and 15-16: in the next two lines of each part, the speaker, perhaps seeing how the lover is favored in the world, seeks from him comfort and escape from what she perceives as the bleakness of HER world. kiss me, quiet my cries, she says; hold me, absorb my tremors. (note the parallel construction of her pleas.) lines 8 and 17: in each part, the second to last line is a question, almost a rhetorical question, directed to the lover. each question implies that the lover, in fact, has done or is doing what the speaker has asked: he has kissed her, and is quieting her cries with his lips on hers; he is holding her and is absorbing her tremors with his flesh on hers. but each question really seems to say, this is wonderful, but can it last? will you continue to give me this comfort and escape? as much as i need? lines 9 and 18: and finally, the last line of each section is a statement of what the speaker desires: someone to "obliviate" her madness (and let me say here i like this word, even if roxanne made it up, lol) and yet, paradoxically, join her in it, and simply BE with her. yes, poertree, the syllable counts per line are not exact, but so what? each line is roughly the same length as the corresponding line in the other section, and has the same "feel". and there is such variety in the lines: from single word lines to more and more complex sentences, to questions, for pete's sake, lol. to sustain that kind of structure for 18 lines, to have each 9-line part make sense, with motion and complexity, and with such feeling -- such longing, such joy, and such sadness -- and to have it all work together and make sense in the end, lol... that's a pretty great achievement, if you ask me. |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
Perhaps a word you could use is "obviate"--to meet and dispose of; clear out of the way; dispose of? Or "obliviate"--to remove all traces of; wipe or blot out; destroy; efface? Don't you just love words! |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jenni .. Ok just testing (lol) I knew you'd come up with the right answer! No .. being serious, I can't believe I missed all that, now you point it out its so obvious and so neat. Sorry Roxane for being so dense I'm wearing myself out tring to write something as good as you . Meanwhile Jenni thanks for taking the time to spell it all out so clearly, I appreciate it, and in case you forgot its Philip (not Poertree I hate that screen name lol) Jennifer . |
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