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Vers Librist
Junior Member

since 1999-11-10

Posts 16

0 posted 1999-11-10 10:14 PM

I'm new here and have been enjoying
reading the poetry I've found here.
Now I'd like to share one of mine.

Painting Lies

She's become
more
masterful in her mind
At painting lies.
The more complex the story,
The more believable, she thinks.
Her tongue is her paintbrush
Picking up colors
And smearing them on the rough canvas
of truth,
Each brush stroke an attempt to smooth
it out.
What she doesn't know is that
Even though we can't see the canvas,
We know it's there.

[This message has been edited by Vers Librist (edited 11-10-1999).]

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

1 posted 1999-11-11 05:05 PM

i liked this, a lot. i think that especially the message was good. the only suggestion that i could make is not to change the tense from third person to first person. i know that it really doesn't change, but it seems so awkward to go through 90% of the poem as she she she and then talk about we. maybe say their. i don't know. i really liked it though. i hope that you'll post some more soon.

Vers Librist
Junior Member

since 1999-11-10

Posts 16

2 posted 1999-11-11 09:43 PM

I hadn't looked at it that way before. Thanks for the suggestion, roxane!

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 1999-11-12 04:11 PM

using her tongue as a paintbrush???? ewwwww, yuck.

other than getting that little mental image, i liked this poem, lol. well done.

Vers Librist
Junior Member

since 1999-11-10

Posts 16

4 posted 1999-11-12 07:22 PM

Thanks. Sorry for grossing you out!

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

5 posted 1999-11-13 09:38 AM

I agree with roxann's comment about tense. I don't think I've ever heard lying being refered to so uniquely as " Her tongue is her paintbrush" I do like that line a lot.
Over all, I thought this to be well written.
Ruth

------------------
Alis volat propriis
(She flies with her own wings)

Vers Librist
Junior Member

since 1999-11-10

Posts 16

6 posted 1999-11-13 12:54 PM

Thanks. I'm starting to look at this poem in a new light (regarding tense).

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 1999-11-17 12:20 PM

I like this poem. It shows a strong sense of self-deceit that you see so little of in most poetry. However, I think the last three lines could be said with more subtety (don't change the metaphor; I like that and I generally am not a big fan of painting, canvas poems; there's a lot of them). 'What she doesn't know is that' -- there's gotta be a better way to say that and still get your point across.

Thanks,
Brad

Vers Librist
Junior Member

since 1999-11-10

Posts 16

8 posted 1999-11-18 12:50 PM

Thanks, Brad. I think that everyone who's commented on this poem has had that same thought (regarding the last three lines). I wrote this poem three years ago and hadn't really done much with it since. The last week, I've been contemplating on HOW to change the end of the poem to get the same message across but more subtly and in the same tense. I don't have it yet, but I'll get it. That's the challenge in writing poetry!

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