»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Epworth (Africa)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Epworth (Africa) |
|
|
russelle Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 21Chicago, Il. USA |
Epworth (Africa) From the van I see the paths, lined with corn leading to the hanging clothes which add color to the makeshift homes they surround. I see the people flying by, heads lifting, eyes a blur, and then they are replaced. From the van I hear the statistics, ninety percent are unemployed, fifty percent are suffering from aids. The news is shocking but the lifting heads, the eyes, are still blurry from the Van. The van stops and my vantage point shifts. (I begin to walk the streets) From the Road the clothes no longer mask the make shift homes. I watch the women washing cloths, I hear distorted voices flowing from somewhere beyond the corn. The make shift homes, the distorted voices, the washing women, They disturb me, but the eyes, the eyes are still blurry from the road. From the wall of corn a waving hand beckons. It calls me down a path guarded by maize. As I pass the cloths line the make shift house stands naked before me. A woman waves from her washbucket, as the voices become clearer My eyes scanning the scene for the source of the voices, are arrested, not by sound, but by silence. There before me, legs spread, face uplifted, nose running, hands grubby, stomach exposed, hat hanging, head sweating, stands a child. Throat full, stomach wrenching, heart raging, mind drowning, face twitching, hand shaking, I bend down, and our eyes met... And his eyes, his eyes became clear even as mine began to blink and blur. Mind fighting body I smiled through blurry eyes. I rubbed his head, waved at the washing women and fled. back, back to the safety of the road. Even as I fled my mind shouted down the corn lined path Maker of the falls Where is your power now? Planter of Big Tree Where is his shelter? Clother of the Peacock, Where are his feathers? Feeder of the Lion, Where is this child’s food? Seer of all, What of his eyes, What of the questions they are shouting out to me? And as the wind whipped through the leaves of corn, there came the clear voice of one who said, There I AM. I looked through salty eyes and saw the maker of the falls hanging helpless. I saw the planter of big tree, stretched out upon a limb. I saw the clother of the peacock, Naked and bloody . I saw the feeder of the lion, becoming an eternal food. I saw the seer of all, and in his eyes I found my answer. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 russelle - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
I really enjoyed this poem alot. It really caught my imagination and I was able to see my interpretation very clearly. I did think that perhaps the third verse could mabey be written more clearly, but this is just most likely a personal preference, I did enjoy this poem very much. |
||
|
doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
This is wonderful, really! Echoes of one of my favorite poets, Carl Sandburg. I would venture to guess you like him, too? From the verse where you meet the boy to the end of the poem... well, that's written VERY well... very succinct and gripping.... quite vivid.... disturbing and human. The first few verses start slow and I'm thinking maybe if you rewrote with only one verse before you meet the boy and see how it reads, you might like it better. I'm always one for writing very long poems, myself (ask Brad... hehehe... always his first comment... it's too long)... so I understand the problem of trying to cut away anything. I've found, though, that when I do go in there with my big poetry hatchet and start chopping the fat out, I have a much better poem when I'm finished. The other day I woke up to NPR and someone was interviewing a singer/songwriter. I thought I recognized the voice... they just played bits and pieces of some songs I wasn't familiar with throughout the interview. Anyway, all of a sudden I realized it was John Prine they were interviewing. He said something really cool about writing during that interview. He said, "Writing to me has always been editing. I get my best poems when I just take away everything that doesn't belong". For what it's worth.... these are my comments. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Well done!  dp |
||
|
russelle Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 21Chicago, Il. USA |
doreen thanks for your critique, you hit on my biggest problem, writing way to much, of course your also right that its so hard to know what to cut out and what to leave in, and of course it hurts to cut stuff out, I will try and shorten it up a bit but i am glad that you liked the part from the boy on, that is my favorite part to, the rest is just setting the scene but i can work on doing that faster, thanks and thanks jamaicabradley for your responce |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't have any problems with longer poems but I think you have to be careful the longer you make them. You can say things you've already said without realizing it. A poem should have impact on the reader in a one time setting (which is one of my problems with Ron's freedom poem). The longer you have a poem, the more of a narrative and the less of a lyric you have to make it. That's a guide, not a rule. Nevertheless, I think you've made this poem too lyrical. I tell someone a poem's too long when, at some point, during the reading, I sigh and think, "You've already told me this." I think, here, there is too much of an emphasis on the inner voice. That just may be personal preference of course but I felt that you were building up to a powerful epiphany that never quite happened. Don't get my wrong. I like this poem and it's definitely different from what you usually read but I want a stronger 'moment' at the ending: "and in his eyes I found the answer' -- isn't there a way you can describe this without telling me this is what happened. What's interesting for me is that, as far as I know, corn comes from America. For me, it just shows that as different as you try to make the contrast, we all are connected. Just wonder if you might try to bring that theme out more. Think about the second to the last stanza, thought it was a bit overdone. As for editing, nobody knows. Just think of any one poem as a process instead of a point, and with a little work, your can try a variety of different things with a variety of different themes. Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||