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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA 
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He wanders with her, a prodigal heart without rhythm or rhyme. He dreams of her. Her face reflected in every mirror of obligation. He feels her breath on each tattered dawn. He longs for ocher and red, to taste sunset from the eastern shore. He pauses, chin to fist. Face pressed to pane tracing the shallow frost, listening without breath. Sensations drip as water flows to the sill, shimmers and falls, listless, to the floor. He skins his knees to touch the tear and kisses his own. The continental divide is drawn wider, in furrows, plowed fields of land mines to be tilled. He drags his blade, his legs, indentured servants to the cause. Blue static, hoed in waves. The wooden phone lies dead in his October-beaten hands. He rattles in the cold and wishes for spring to rise from the east, bringing her to him on steady hooves. From his window he watches dawn caress the breast of St. Helen. Purple smoked tendrils writhe in the wind. The cows bear witness. He hates the crisp autumn air, he loathes the forlorn cries of the wild on the ranch. He considers leaving. The earth lies fallow at his feet. Arlington airport whistles in the stream of jets breaking yonder and he wonders if they have homesteads in Philadelphia. ~haze 11/02/99 |
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| © Copyright 1999 Haze McElhenny - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this is a very moving piece. the imagery in it could not be better. it was also an intersting topic, one we don't see much of here. oh well, i just thought that i'd let you know that i enjoyed the read. |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Thank you Roxanne...It means much to me. I wrote this out of pure (life) inspiration, and that is always hairy ground.... I just figured out how to reply...so I will look for your work...Thank you much...~haze |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I really like this poem. You've got some great imagery and the tone matches the theme quite well. I was particularly moved by the second and third stanzas -- very well done. My only suggestion would be to change 'jets breaking yonder' into something more in line with the rest of the poem. Found that a bit jarring. This a poem I plan to read again. Thanks for the read, Brad |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Thanks Brad... I used "breaking yonder" as the natural language of the "he" in this poem...an indigenous phrase to lend the tone of sincerity. I will rethink it... perhaps "breaking the shaded horizon" (?) I appreciate your praise as well as critique..Thank you again. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Just so long as the jets don't break wind! My apologies for the levity. Now on to the Critical Analyses... This Critic gives it two thumbs up.. October beaten hands... who'd have thunk it? How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it. -Marcus Aurelius |
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