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Wish You Were Mine
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Wish You Were Mine |
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Lee Benthin Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 19Marysville, WA USA |
I remember Words like no pressure, Love you can not measure. I wish you were mine. Take tomorrow, Spare you my sorrow. Love you can not borrow. I wish you were mine. And I wish until day turns to night. And I dream until the morning light. And I realize my love is not right. Still it seems the battle's over long before the fight. Who's mistaken? Hearts are for breakin', Love that is not taken. I wish you were mine. What's forever? Dreams held together. Lovers you remember. I wish you were mine. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Lee Benthin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
BY GOLLY I DO LIKE THIS LEE.IT IS WELL BENT ON RHYME |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
"And I wish until day turns to night. And I dream until the morning light. And I realize my love is not right. Still it seems the battle's over long before the fight." I really like this stanza...I do suggest to take out the "and" at the beginning of each of the 3 first lines of it and in the third line of this stanza use love's instead of "love is" it improves the flow. That stanza is so well done it can almost stand on its own and in fact seems somewhat out of place with the rest of the poem. I'd like to see it developed into a poem of it's own. I'm not sure of the meaning you are trying to portray with this line "Words like no pressure" possibly something like.. Words without pressure.. would be more effective. I think changing a words within this poem could bring out you meaning loud and clear. This is an example of one thing that could be done with it...merely a suggestion. I remember Words without pressure, Love without measure. I wish you were mine. Take tomorrow, Spare you my sorrow. Love you can't borrow. I wish you were mine. I wish until day turns to night. I dream until the morning light. I realize my love's not right. Still it seems the battle's over long before the fight. Who's mistaken? Hearts aren't for breakin', Love can't be taken. I wish you were mine. What's forever? Dreams held together. Our love I remember. I wish you were mine. |
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Lee Benthin Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 19Marysville, WA USA |
Hoot; Last night when I was posting these poems, I was so excited. That's why there were so many typos in them, and after I had submitted them, I was reading this one and I totally agree with you about the and's. I was thinking the same thing myself. These poems are ones from a long time ago, some as far back as 1978. I was so excited when I found this forum that I just dug out my box of poems I've been storing forever and started typing. I could hardly wait until I got home to see what people had to say. Strange and wonderful things have been happening to me lately and this is one of them. |
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