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blackbirds
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blackbirds |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Love was hunted, but she wasn’t found In a land where the size of snow cones matters. Sing a song of sixpence, sing a song of lust-- It was a good screw, he thought to himself; Not quite the flavor of the month, but good enough. How quickly blackbirds take flight. Is that all we have to know? Will it be on the test? Alas poor Yorick, I knew him too, Horatio He drew pictures of me And extolled my imagined four-letter virtues on a bathroom wall. With a mighty “Yawp!” he bit into life But frankly, my dear, who gives a damn now? From a height above, the blank face of Bob Costas Smiles and says, “Weep bitter tears, ladies and gentlemen, Nothing are you, or will you ever be.” [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 jenni - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed this except for two lines: sing a song for sixpence; sing a song for lust -- either develop this image more or leave it out altogether. 'Sing a song' seems a bit cliched to me. The other point was the strange phrasing of Bob Costas (funny, I have a poem in my notebook that uses him as well. I wonder if I'll ever finsh it now  ). Don't see him ever saying it that way. If he did, like to see a little more context there.Can't wait to see what people say about the Hamlet and Gone with the wind variations. I like the way they fit together but others may not be so kind. See them as an attempt to integrate learning (the test) or literature with 'real life'. Are the pictures on the bathroom wall art as well? The tone of the piece seems one of defiance or a sense of 'so what'. Am I mistaken? Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- thanks for your comments. you don't remember your nursery rhymes, do you? lol yes, "sing a song" is a bit cliched, but it comes from the old nursery rhyme "sing a song of sixpence". i'm glad you liked the hamlet and GWTW references; i was a little unsure about "frankly, my dear [etc.]". as for the strange phrasing at the end, well, lol, that was quite intentional. the poem is of things turned upside down, or inside out, however you want to look at it, of the loss of innocence, of the way that society has of turning something good and beautiful into something cheap, artless or ugly. to me, bob costas is the epitome of success in our play-it-safe, homogenized, dumbed-down society, and i wanted readers to be jarred by the quasi-oracular, omniscient voice here attributed to him. as for the tone of the piece... well, i think its all over the place, lol. (reading this over, i think i sound a bit harsh about bob costas, but i kind of like him, actually. do you think he ever cruises the forum? hope he doesn't, lol.) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I did enjoy this, Jenni. I agree with Brad in that developing the image of the blackbirds would be better than leaving it as it is. The familiarity of the nursury rhyme did, I think, complement your communication of the poem's purpose. I stumbled a bit over the Hamlet quote. The problem with being a layman is that I often have to pause and think such things as "Who on earth are Yorick and Horatio? Oh yeah, that's Hamlet!" If your audience happens to be the person who would readily know the context of the Hamlet quote then I would leave it as it is. If you are aiming for a more general audience I might elaborate a bit on the quote's context (Or you could do so out of kindness to those of us dragging ourselves little by little out of the quagmire of our homogenized, dumbed-down society, lol). I liked your variation of the line from GWTW. I agree with Brad on the Bob Costas line, though. Again, a little more context might be helpful. I saw the "so what" that Brad saw in the tone but I expect it was a very surface "so what" covering up "bitter tears". Disappointment, regret, humiliation and the last line communicates a bit of despair. Thanks for bringing my attention to this one Jenni. You gave me a "good read" and a "good think". ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
jenni, I've been reading through the poems, and this one I had to surely comment on. It took me 2-3 readings to get the context at first. I liked the first 6 lines and the context to which sing a song of sixpence alluded to. It made me think...... rachi |
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handbagsatfiftypaces Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 12 |
don't think i totally got it all, i have never cared to watch all of gwtw ( it bored me senseless) and i hven't read hamlet ( i saw it once in a catrhedrel but the echo was so bad i couldn't make anything out and it put me off) so i can't really analyse it |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim and rachi, this in many ways was an experiment for me, trying out a new "voice", so to speak; sorry for its obscurity, lol. it's quite a compliment that you both say the poem made you think (it probably made both of you think "oooh boy, what a stupid poem!", but it DID make you think!). thanks!  no-one seems to like my oracular bob costas, lol, even friends i've shown it to outside the forum here, so in the rewrite i'll start there and work backwards. thanks for your comments. handbagsatfiftypaces, what can i say? sorry to hear of your hamlet experience. thanks for giving "blackbirds" a read. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-03-1999).] |
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