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Critical Analysis #1
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Missing You
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Missing You |
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DJ_Husker New Member
since 1999-10-21
Posts 2Lincoln, Nebraska, United States |
When I think about our love and how it went away. I try to make sense of madness that rages inside of me. How I long for your touch and your love in every way. You made me want to be all the man I could be and now it's I and not We If I could make you see inside my heart If you would just try to feel the love I have for you I always thought that we would never part I want to say I don't love you but I can't help it, I do Now as I get on my knees to pray and as I shed a tear and cry I pray to God to make you see And I ask God what I'm supposed to do now and also I ask WHY Why love isn't enough and why she wants to leave me All I have to offer is my undying love and my true devotion Through everything you've done to me...doesn't matter I just Miss you I'm a huge ball filled with love and emotion Can't you see I just want to be yours, what am I supposed to do I miss you. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This seems more like a letter to a lover and as such, not sure what to do here. Is there anyway you can shift from telling us what your feelings are to showing us the reasons you feel this way. Let the reader into your life and show what is special about this woman. Show us why she might have left you. Idea: The line "want to be all the man I could be" just made me cringe with military images (it is a cliche); yet, why not consider expanding that image and seeing the woman as a type of soldier or as a general image of the marine corps? That might lead you down an interesting path. Just an opinion, Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
This one needs a bit of work. Although it is free verse, it still needs to have some type of flow to it to keep the readers attention through out. I suggest removal of some words here and there and some different breaks than what you choose. Here is a quick example, far from anything perfect(Brad don't critique  ), but maybe it will give you an idea of what I'm saying.When I think about our love, how it went away; I try to make sense of the madness. Oh, how I long for your touch, your love in every way. You made me all I am. Now it's I and not We Can I make you see inside my heart? Won't you try to feel this love I have for you? I always thought we would never part. I want to say I don't love you but, I do. I get on my knees to pray, shed a tear and cry, "God make her see!" I have to nothing to offer but my undying love and true devotion. Can't you see I want to be yours, what am I supposed to do? Nothing else matters... except I miss you. |
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