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Wendy
Junior Member

since 1999-09-10

Posts 16
Vermont

0 posted 1999-10-13 02:52 PM

They'd evolved as far as they could;
Tailess and erect
Imprudent,careless
Too much in heat
Too much in themselves.
Deaf and unarmored,
Wasted cranial space,
Incisors dull as eyes.
No sign of a slither
A croak or a reach.

The Andes and the Rockies
Bristled like shoulderblades
And shuddered the people
Annoying as fleas;
Brushed them off
With a gale sweep
Into extinction.

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

1 posted 1999-10-13 11:03 PM

this sounds like some of the things that my us history teacher used to say about america. i really liked the part about the mountains being shoulder blades, unique metaphor

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-10-14 05:56 PM

Wendy,

The great and wonderful poetess has traveled far and wide to grace us with her attendance at our humble forum (I kneel down and kiss her ring) and pray most profusely that she continues to post poems here and comment on others.

Except, this poem isn't quite up to your usual level of excellence. Great moments in a lackluster theme if I may say so (and I say so all the time but lightning hasn't struck me yet)

Unless I'm missing something, I think the first stanza really slithers, croaks, screams for some development. For me, if you just worked more on fewer traits with more detail, I think it would come off better (and just because your published don't think I'm going to let up on you. I think same thing about poems at Poetry as I do here). 'I like too much in heat/Too much in themselves' line but for some reason it reminds me of the Bonobos in Africa. However, I do like the heat/energy double play.

If the Andes/Rockies are annoyed, is there anyway you can bring that out more? Why are they irritated by fleas -- I know why but maybe I would like a little more tension here, a build up of itching, rashes and irritation would be nice. I like the shoulderblades image but it makes me see the world lying down for some reason. I suppose the 'natural' image would be spine.

I'll stop for now but I realize I haven't talked about my biggest problem with this poem -- why encourage this extremely popular notion that we are as important to the Earth as fleas are important to a dog? Are we really up to that level yet?

Brad

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