»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
shadows in poetic recess
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
shadows in poetic recess |
|
|
Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
shadows in poetic recess the pain sears, the anguish rips the soul, it need be shut away quickly, and that's that. And carelessly it is buried. Today, to breathe, to exist without this pain is all that matters. But a shallow grave means that simply the tug of a heart string a stirring in the breeze a song in the wind and there they are again painfully impeding all forward momentum is lost, and I sit, tearfully, bleeding all over again. But what if I want to take one out and embrace it hold it close and drink its essence learn from my pain and write on my heart all that is important and all that is not? Memories need be cared for properly, examined and mended the tears worked over, with thought filled stitches and then carefully, in poetic form, saved away. A slice of time a version of the pain, saved, unchanged, for future reference. For when the wound is deep the mind in an effort to paint the past pretty, can deceive. I have discovered that I care for my poetic recesses dearly for you see… I learned the hard way. ------------------ ©1999 Iloveit |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Iloveit - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
I'm not ashamed to admit this one struck a chord with me... I can deeply relate. Most powerful was: "Today, to breathe, to exist without this pain is all that matters." The whole poem flows smoothly and touches accurately on emotions many of us feel when dealing with life and the lost loves of our past. The only thing that caught me off guard was the last verse...it's nearly out of place but i understand how it concludes the thought...and expresses the poets intent and ties the the whole thing in with the title. I can't honestly suggest a better way, though. Excellent work! |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello there, Now I'm just going to try and be as honest as I can and give you a the best critique possible, so sit back and relax, drinks are at eight and the in-flight movie is "Bridges of Madison County".... "the pain sears, the anguish rips the soul, it need be shut away quickly, and that's that." The first two lines are very cliched. Perhaps consider changing them. "it need be shut away" I couldn't tell if you were trying to say "it needs to be shut away" or "if need be, shut away". "and that's that" I didn't find to be a very effective or strong line. Perhaps consider removing it all together, it might improve the flow to the next line without it. "And carelessly it is buried. Today, to breathe, to exist without this pain is all that matters." Not a bad four line combo. I found nothing wrong with it but still it didn't pull on me either. "But a shallow grave means that simply the tug of a heart string a stirring in the breeze a song in the wind" Very cliched again. These have all been used many times before. Perhaps consider line changes. "and there they are again" Awkwardly worded, maybe consider "and they are there again", or ,"and they are again" "painfully impeding all forward momentum is lost, and I sit, tearfully, bleeding all over again." Last two lines are a little cliched. The second line seems a bit redundant and maybe it would help to leave it out. The "and" in the third line could be left out without changing the meaning. The "all over" could also be chopped without taking away from the meaning. "But what if I want to take one out and embrace it hold it close and drink its essence learn from my pain and write on my heart all that is important and all that is not?" Pretty good stanza....the only thing that struck my as maybe needing change was "essence". Seemed a little flat. "Memories need be cared for properly, examined and mended the tears worked over, with thought filled stitches and then carefully, in poetic form, saved away." I thought this was an excellent stanza and the meat of the poem. "A slice of time a version of the pain, saved, unchanged, for future reference. For when the wound is deep the mind in an effort to paint the past pretty, can deceive." Another really good stanza...however I thought it could maybe be worded a little better. "I have discovered that I care for my poetic recesses dearly for you see… I learned the hard way." Good stanza and a fairly strong ending. One suggestion I do have is consider spacing the last two lines instead of "..." I'll give you my version of the poem in a quick re-write to help explain my line suggestions. I don't want you to think that I think this is a better version or that you should change it to this, I only want to try and suggest and maybe inspire some changes. "Pain, anguish, of a crossed soul needs to be shut away and buried quickly. Today, to breathe, to exist without is all that matters. But a careless grave means a simple tug of heart beats a familiarity in the breeze wind-song chills and they are again painfully impeding and I sit, tearfully, bleeding again. But what if I want to take one out and embrace it hold it close and drink its form learn from my pain write on my heart all that is important and all that is not? Memories need be cared for properly, examined and mended the tears worked over, with thought filled stitches and then carefully, in poetic form, saved away. A time slice version of pain, saved unchanged, for future reference. For when the wound is deep the mind in an effort to paint a past pretty, can deceive. I have discovered that I care for my poetic recesses for you see I learned the hard way." Anyways my version definitly isn't all that strong and echos a little cliched as well (I'm very guilty of cliches too in my poetry, it's a hard battle fought). Anyways I hope that I have been at least a little helpful with my critique. I did enjoy the poem, more so the last half than the first. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
||
|
Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
thanks both of you for reading and commenting. and trevor, I knew it wasn't quite right that's why I posted here, most of my poems come from the heart and rarely would I change them after completion, even after time and going back to read them, I don't say well, I could have or should have written it differently, but this one was different. The thought came to me, but I struggled to write it, so I do appreciate your ideas, think I will combine what I learn here with my poem and your ideas and see if I can get one last version  |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
iloveit, Just thought I'd say I appreciate the effort you're putting into this forum. It's very important for some of us here to make this a different (even slightly intimidating) forum and not simply a place where you post because less poems are being posted here. Please keep up the good work. About the poem: I think you're talking around what you want to say. What motivated you to write the poem? What specific emotions are we talking about? Yeah, I must sound like a broken CD but so many people (not necessarily you) seem to think that poetry is something that allows you to hide what you want to say, not to say it. If you have the time, please think about where this poem is coming from and write a poem specifically about the cause, not the effect, of this poetic outburst. On cliche: the problem with cliches is that they lose all impact and literally mean nothing. They may be true; they may be false but they don't make the reader feel that truth or that lie. Again, not really trying to single you out here (but the poem does have quite a bit of phrases that are overused), just a rant. The more detail you have in a poem, the more you say what happened, the more you concentrate on the cause, the less you have to worry about this problem. Enough for now (I'll probably have to say this again you know), Please keep up the good work, Brad |
||
|
Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well, will agree with you on this one, I did sorta skirt the reason I wrote the poem, and that is probably why I struggled with it, if it comes from my heart it just pours out and then just takes a little rearranging before I am happy with it, I will try today to write one about the reason, and see how it comes out......thanks for your input! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||