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lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

0 posted 2001-12-27 09:28 PM

Don't even tell me
;eh, she was pissing me off;
you've left me here. Strand
;she never meant too much,
you know that, right?;
me here with me again, didn't
you now. And when you get
;she was chewing her knuckles;
home, don't apologize. Don't join
;it was annoying;
me on the couch. Just go sleep in
my bed and don't you feel
;why should I care? It's
just her;
bad and don't you regret a single
glass word. I'm not trying to
;it's her own fault after all;
be dependant on you. but there's
;she asks, begs, [edited by mmoderator]
that we do;
some things I can't help.

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.

1 posted 2001-12-28 12:27 PM

lizzyluv,
This threw me for a couple of minutes. The punctuation especially. I like the use of the two different voices but the way they are presented is too distracting, I think. I'm not sure how this is supposed to be read but I had to read it as two seperate entities: the left registered lines first, then the indented lines. Perhaps this could be broken into two stanzas. It could even be expanded beyond that to further show what caused this internal(?) debate. You could alternate between the voices using italics to differentiate between the speakers.
Eh, it's a thought.
Ian

Sing while you may
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

2 posted 2001-12-28 04:33 AM

Dear Lizzy
This poem caught my attention. Is the indented lines the thoughts in the mind and the other lines facts? Or two different voices of partners?
Asif

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

3 posted 2001-12-28 11:18 AM

Although original in its concept, well I did read a few other poems within a poem, I found awkward sentence structures and other grammatical and punctual errors.

I did enjoy the subject matter and think this to be a good idea.

[This message has been edited by Opeth (12-28-2001 12:42 PM).]

rich-pa
Member

since 2000-02-07

Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana

4 posted 2001-12-28 12:34 PM

i took me areading or two befor eit dawned on me what was goin gon, we got two stream of conscious type voices tlaking over each other yet oblivious to the other, or that's how it seems o me, the third person..or i kinda get a pic of the of the guy in abr telling the story, playing both characters, i could go lotsa ways with that i'm sure..um, one guy addressed senetence sturcutre puntuation and grammar...i say f all that stuff, push the langug to the limits, besides i think it better portrays the human mind in a non proper form, we don't think in proper(i use that term loosely) structured language, we think erraticaly and improperly...the struture of the poem is good, it causes confusion , something i think is a big part of the speakers also, they are a bit confused and so should we be...hmmm. i'm done i dig this

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

5 posted 2001-12-28 07:47 PM

thanks for the responses. a couple thoughts;
1) the grammer, as far as i know was intentional. quotation marks break me up too much, i use semi-colons instead.
2) there are two voices here. the unindented, bitter one is supposed to be closer to a narrational point of view. the second is the subject the first addresses who is in another place. the second is a completely seperate entity f/the first and is oblivious to the diatribe aimed at it even as it cuts the first apart.
3) the jumps in narration are intentional and represent streaming the words/thoughts of buth as simultaniously as possible. parallel mental processes.
if there are real grammer errors or mistyped sentances, i apologize. but as far as i know, all grammer and structure errors were intended for their effect.
thank you all for responding.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

6 posted 2001-12-28 11:32 PM

This is interesting.

I'm wondering where this person was stranded, why, etc. I like the spontaneous, emotional use of language, and I can see how it would impede the disclosure of details.

Still, you've got me interested in these two, I would really like to know more about them. Maybe you could add some depth to the situation- like, add after-the-fact footnotes in parentheses between lines, for example:

you've left me here. Strand
;she never meant too much,
you know that, right?;
me here (something about where "here" is) with me again, didn't

I think something of this nature could take the piece to another level, give faces to the voices.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

7 posted 2001-12-29 12:31 PM

part of the concept is just being deserted. yes, i was actually stranded w/o the ride i needed by my girlfriend at the time, but as far as i was concrened, she had deserted me mentally as well. to break all the mystery away, the quotes are supposed to be her explaining my absence to the people we were going to hang out w/. here is a mental as well as physical place.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

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