Child Within (still needs a lot of work)

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Critical Analysis #1

Child Within (still needs a lot of work)

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

0 posted 2001-11-12 02:17 PM

Child Within (revision #3)
I don’t know if you can hear me,
My voice has faded into the dust
That covers this floor of ice.
Why did you imagine that my room
Created in whispers would be warmer?
Not even shadows exist in the dark
Without some light for them to distort.

I don’t know if you can hear me,
I’m buried in the closet of your mind.
And the pounding of your heart beat
Echoes in my head as I cover my ears.
Have you found what you sought?
Or did you find that life was simply
Empty images in the picture frame.

I don’t know if you can hear me,
The purple chalk you left behind
Is almost gone, and I need more
To create a Hope-scotch board
That will bring you back inside.
I will protect you from the monsters
That you hid under bed when you left.

I don’t know if you can hear me,
But I’ll keeping talking.

Why is it that in silence the mind screams?

Jericha Satchel
Junior Member

since 2001-11-04

Posts 11

1 posted 2001-11-12 03:26 PM

Ditch the Hope-Scotch. Credit the reader with enough sense to "get it" or strengthen the idea elsehow.

If you want to go on using Hope then change the Scotch thing too. Try Hope-Sketch.

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

2 posted 2001-12-23 03:26 PM

Dear Silent
I find this facinating. Having read it over three times slowly to savor it all. And that is what must be done with this type of poem. It is heartfelt and deep.. the hope-scotch didnt so much get in my way,, but I am thinking on another line,, maybe saying something like,
,
I need that chalk to finish a picture
that you started and left undone.
This might bring you back inside me,
which I most welcome, as I miss you,
My child within..

just some thoughts here for you to work on, don't put yourself down so much. These are good thoughts and inner feelings that you bring out.
And when you post, don't first say, " needs a lot of work" that is negative, you will get good feedback from some poets here and will continue to write and learn. hope this helps you. I understand this poem so much. I hope to see you re write it and post it so I could see what you have done with it. strbbux

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